Posts Tagged ‘babies sleeping’

Two of my neighbors and my best friend all had babies within just a couple of weeks of each other less than 8 weeks ago. All of them have commented on the sleep deprivation that goes along with having a newborn and one asked me when my babies started sleeping through the night. First, I always need to ask what that means to someone because, for some, they mean to have a baby sleep through the night, including feedings, and others mean sleep straight through 10-12 hours, with no feedings.

What does it mean to have your baby sleep through the night?

For me, “baby sleeping through the night” meant my baby sleeping 10-12 hours without feedings. It was around 4 months old, with both breastfed sons, that they started sleeping pretty much straight through with two feedings at night, so I couldn’t really expect much more than that. Sleep was not perfect (particularly with my eldest son because why else would I have a whole website about baby sleep?), but it was ten times better once I changed their sleep associations with needing to breastfeed to sleep or be rocked to sleep all night long. Of course, that’s the trickiest part of this crazy thing about getting babies to sleep and why it’s never a simple answer or silver bullet (oh how I wish it were! I’d e-mail everyone my silver bullet RIGHT NOW!).

One thing I know for certain is regardless of whether you think of “sleeping through the night” is with or without feedings, it can feel like your baby will never do it. If it’s not one thing it’s another. If it’s not a feeding, replacing a pacifier, or rocking her to sleep, it’s cold in her room. If it’s not cold, maybe it’s hot. If it’s not temperature, your baby is now teething. Later on, with your toddler or preschooler, it might even be night terrors or nightmares. You will think of a million reasons about maybe WHY she isn’t sleeping through the night and you might seriously start feeling like it’s a pipe dream that will ever happen.

When Will Your Baby Sleep Through the Night?

Obviously, I can’t really look into my crystal ball to tell you when YOUR baby will sleep through the night (I save the crystal ball for winning the lottery, but for some reason it’s on the fritz right now), but I can tell you that I’ve heard it all when it comes to doctors telling parents when their baby shouldn’t need anymore night feedings and should be sleeping all night. I can also tell you that parents who are skeptical that their 3-month old breastfed baby can go without any feedings for 12 hours per night, you should be. 12 hours is a LONG time, even for many adults and if your baby is breastfed, she will likely need to eat at night a bit longer than her formula-fed friends.

But, when I hear about 12 to 18-month old toddlers who still need a bottle (or 2 or 3) per night or aren’t sleeping all night, then I say there is action to take IF you want a baby who sleeps through the night. If you are fine with co-sleeping or feeding your toddler at night, then there is nothing much to worry about except the effect on the teeth without brushing and how it can lead to bottle mouth syndrome, in some cases.

The short answer is that NO ONE goes off to college needing a bottle in the middle of the night (at least that I know of), so don’t worry about it “never happening” (same for potty training, by the way, as I never saw anyone in the dorm still wearing diapers).

The not-so-short answer is that if your definition of sleeping through the night is with feedings, your baby can sleep fairly well through the night by 4 to 6 months, usually, on average. If you mean straight through without feedings, most can be night-weaned by around 9 months, sometimes as late as 12 months or beyond. The “experts” all vary:

• Dr, Sears (The Baby Sleep Book) says night feedings are normal up through 18 months or more.
• Pantley (The No Cry Sleep Solution) agrees.
• Weissbluth (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) says it’s normal for babies to need 1-2 feedings up through 9 months, and can then be night-weaned.
• Kim West (Good Night, Sleep Tight) agrees.
• Ferber (Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems) says a baby can go up to 8-10 hours without feeding by 3 months.
• Baby Wise agrees.
My pediatrician and yours would probably say something different, too.

This is why reading all of these different opinions made my head spin and I wrote my own book on baby sleep (to save other parents time and money). No, I don’t have THE answer. I actually keep the option open that YOU have the answer! Surprise!

If you think your baby or toddler is waking out of habit, then he probably is. Even if you think he is truly hungry, you might have the confidence that if he would just eat more during the day, he’d be able to sleep all night (I recommend at least an attempt at night-weaning once you feel this way). If you believe your baby or toddler “needs” to eat just to fall asleep and not because he’s hungry, then teach him how to sleep without eating. You know your baby best and the key is not to have the answer (believe me, there is not ONE answer for all of us), the key is to have the tools to teach your baby to sleep independently and when you have your tools, sleeping through the night will naturally follow when your baby is truly ready.

When did your baby/babies sleep through the night?

This topic “How long to cry it out?” has come up a few times in the last few weeks in one way or another, so I thought I’d talk about it this week. I always preface any discussion about cry it out by making sure that everyone understands that I’m not a “Cry It Out Pusher” and I’m very much NOT an extremist or a hard-core “sleep trainer”. I try to be realistic and just know that all babies are different and all family structures are different and what works for one won’t work for everyone. I even debated Pantley about this very topic, because while I think she has some good ideas, they simply will NOT work for all challenging baby types…at least in time before you go crazy from sleep exhaustion. I also don’t recommend cry it out for long-term co-sleepers, either.

If you are adamantly against cry it out, please do NOT do it! It probably won’t work and you’ll just feel bad about it. At all times in my sleep consultations, I work with parents on helping their baby sleep with as few tears as possible. Why? Because who wants their baby to cry? We all do what we can to limit our baby’s tears and as your sleep consultant, I understand that. My son’s sleep struggles are still very near and dear to my heart and I pretty much relive them every day in every consultation, so I very much remember where you probably are right now.

So, how long do you cry it out if you do choose that path?

First, make sure your baby is at an appropriate age for cry it out, he is no longer swaddled, and if you are feeding baby on a schedule that you have set a realistic schedule. One thing that I can’t emphasize enough is that my philosophy is that some parents might use cry it out to fix sleep problems, but please don’t make your baby go hungry if she still needs night feedings. One thing that really does make my skin crawl is hearing about letting a two month old cry throughout the night to avoid two feedings, which is hardly a “sleep problem.”

Another reason I recommend exhausting all other methods before trying cry it out is that you must be 100% committed to cry it out for it to really work. So, typically, I recommend that you feel like you’ve “tried everything” first. If you let your baby cry for a set length of time and then you “give in”, you have basically set a precedent and he will cry that long (or longer) next time (if there is a next time). Many babies respond well to non-crying methods (highly depends on your baby’s temperament) and only a small percentage of my clients really have to go full blown cry it out, so make sure you’ve truly given it your all on the other methods.

Once you 100% commit to cry it out, there really isn’t a length of time that you really stop, when you’re working on nights (though you want to limit nap time crying). The goal is for your baby to fall asleep without said sleep association and every parent will need to decide what is “too long.” I recommend deciding that before you start, if possible. Having a plan (do you visit or not, how long between visits, do you stay in the room, etc.) is of utmost importance so everyone is on the same page and will stick to it. Once you decide to stop said crutch, it can’t really be an option to change your mind, otherwise, you go backwards and might even make things worse.

Many people against cry it out will paint a picture that cry it out is cruel because a baby can’t communicate what she needs. This is true, to an extent, in that you can’t ignore all your baby’s cries and I would never recommend that. That’s irresponsible parenting. My argument is that if you give your baby a pacifier ten times per night and that’s all she “needs” then you know why she’s crying. Does that mean you give your baby everything just because she cries? Not to me. If it had, my son would not have sat in a car seat for his first year of life. Your baby only thinks she needs a pacifier to sleep because that’s all she’s known. It doesn’t mean she can’t learn a new way to sleep. Enter…the parent.

Down the line, after initial “sleep training” is over, does this mean you never go in to your baby at night? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! We all do pretty crazy things to get our baby to sleep, but when you’re ready to make a change, it’s important to commit to your plan of action. Whether you succeed in finding a no crying sleep method or try cry-it-out, babies are destined to change. Cry it out is NOT a cure-all and it doesn’t mean your baby won’t need you during an illness, when she’s getting new teeth, growth spurt, etc., so it doesn’t mean never go to your baby or use your instincts. It also doesn’t mean that cry it out “didn’t work.” because your baby needs you at night for something.

In my opinion, there is a right and wrong way to approach “sleep training”. If you’re doing cry-it-out, it might take you a few nights or a couple of weeks, but please expect things to pop up and change on you, because they will. Just remember, that cry it out won’t change your baby’s personality, there is no proof that cry it out is harmful, not even by Harvard, it’s not always clear when you’re done sleep training, and being a mom is an every day challenge.

How many days did cry it out take for you and your family?