Posts Tagged ‘baby nightmare’

Welcome to the final part of the Night Terrors and Nightmares Series. If you are just joining us, you might want to start with part 1 where I go over night terrors in babies and toddlers.

In theory, nightmares can start when your child is just a baby. We dream (and have nightmares) in what’s called REM state, which we all have and newborns spend most of their sleep in REM state. This is the state of sleep where we always dream. Non-REM sleep is when we are in a very calm sleep state. We don’t really move and we look at peace. In REM sleep is when are minds are busy. We don’t generally move, but babies do twitch and might smile in their sleep.

Since nightmares are believed to be our way to work through daytime events or work through emotional conflicts, it is this reason that complex nightmares are probably unlikely in very young babies. Most definitely nightmares can occur by 12 months or slightly younger, but keep in mind that most scary dreams are never remembered. The only time a nightmare is scary is when we wake up at the end or the dream is scary enough to wake us up.

Nightmare Solutions

If your child has infrequent nightmares, there is nothing special you have to do except comfort him and listen to him tell you about his dream, if he is old enough and capable of doing that. Before two or three years old, your child will most likely not understand it was just a dream, so there isn’t much use saying “It was just a dream.” and even when you can say that, you still need to be comforting to your child, of course. Keep in mind that your child may start to feel more comfortable with a nightlight or sleeping with the door open. When my sons were babies we did not put nightlights in their room largely because they were so perceptive and the light would keep them up. By 15 months, we added the nightlight and by three years old my older son was asking to keep the door open.

When your child has a nightmare, the #1 thing to keep in mind is that she needs your reassurance. Nightmares can be scary and you don’t want her to be even more afraid. It is NOT the time to be extra strict about rules or close the door when she’s already afraid. The second thing to remember is that you want to stay calm yourself and reassure her that it is just a dream, so checking under the bed for those snakes (or ants like my son thought was in his room) will only reinforce that it’s possible there is something under there. Be confident and in control to help her stay calm, too, and reinforce that you are there to protect her and comfort her.

If your child is having more frequent nightmares such as more than one a week, look at what might be going on in the daytime that may be causing more uneasiness. Maybe it’s a big change in your lives such as a new sibling, potty training, or something he saw on TV. And, if your child is having very frequent nightmares and more fear in the daytime that is more than you would think is normal, this can be something more serious and you should seek professional help.

When your child does have what seems to be a nightmare, first make sure it’s not a night terror or confusional event because as we saw in part 3, your response would be different. Your child will still be afraid even when he’s awake if he had a nightmare. If he has numerous nightmares every night, they are most likely actually night terrors.

No-mares

It is rare for nightmares to happen every single night and many children learn to say “I had a bad dream” to get a certain reaction out of their parents. So, how should you handle that?

First, you should be able to tell when your child is actually afraid or not. If your child has time to grab her teddy bear and walk into your room, she is likely not scared. If she’s running at full speed yelling mommy, she is scared. The goal is to comfort her when she’s scared, but not overdo it when she’s not really scared.

Very recently my almost four year old was having frequent “bad dreams”, but I knew he was not scared every night and it started to become a habit. Some nights he was truly scared, though he couldn’t really remember his dream, but other nights he was just calm and came into my room. Because it’s important to me that he feels comfortable to come to me when he is scared and know that mommy is there for him, I’d let him crawl into bed with me for 5 minutes or so and then take him back to bed. Those 5 minutes were just as much for me to actually wake up to take him back because as I’ve mentioned before, I just can’t co-sleep. Once this became a nightly visit, it started wearing on me, so I had to do something.

The way I filtered the nightmares from the non-nightmares (or no-mares) was created a sticker chart to encourage him to stay in bed as much as possible. On nights that he stayed in bed without waking us up, he’d get a sticker the next morning and other nights he didn’t. I put five squares across and five down to make 25 days total. After 5 days he would get a $5 matchbox car package and at the end of the 25 days, he wanted his very own camera (which we were considering buying anyway for his 4th birthday). The “prize” you offer is not that important except that it has to be important and exciting for your child. The camera was a last minute addition, but a little on the pricey side. $20 in one month was very much worth it to me to get my consolidated sleep (most nights) back.

The beginning went GREAT. He sped through the first week pretty easily, reinforcing most of it was habit, and we kept the excitement going, but slowly but surely things seemed to stall a little here and there in the middle. The weather changed and he needed help with covers, he had nightmares here and there, off nights, and so on. I felt especially bad when he says to me “I can’t control my dreams.” How old is he anyway? But, rules were rules and I stuck to them to avoid backsliding. I would just say something like “Oh I know sweetie. Bad dreams happen sometimes. We’ll try for another sticker tomorrow!” Now, I’m happy to report that tomorrow we are going shopping for that brand new camera! As I’ve always said, sleep may never be perfect for my eldest son, but at least he keeps giving me things to write about.

How did you solve your no-mares?

Welcome to part 2 of the Night Terrors and Nightmares Series. If you are just joining us, you might want to start with part 1 where I go over night terrors in babies and toddlers.

What are Nightmares?

Nightmares are very scary dreams. They usually start as a normal dream and then they take a turn for the worst. We don’t remember every dream or nightmare. It’s only when we wake up at the end do we remember them, even if we just wake up briefly.

What age do nightmares start?

This, they don’t know for sure, but they do know by one year old, a child can definitely have a nightmare. It makes sense that it can and does happen sooner, but it’s hard to say how complex a dream can be at one day, one month, or 6 months old, but since nightmares occur during our “active sleep” (during rapid-eye-movement (REM) for those who want to know a bit more about the technical terms), it is possible even your newborn can have a dream and therefore, a nightmare. Newborns spend a good amount of time in this stage of sleep.

Since a one-year old can’t talk or express himself that well, it’s hard to know just how complex his dreams are, but by two years old, when the imagination has really started to come alive, nightmares can get very specific. However, at this age, although they might understand a nightmare is just a dream and have idea about what a dream is, when he wakes up, he might not fully understand the dream is over and still remain scared for a bit later.

As your child gets older, the understanding between dream and reality will get better and by 5 years old, she will have a much bigger grasp of the difference between dream and reality. Even when your child is older, it doesn’t mean the dreams won’t be scary, but they may not always need you to come for help (which I’m sure is a bittersweet feeling).

All children are different in their development, so the age that your child may or may not need you after a nightmare will vary.

Why do we have nightmares?

Everyone has nightmares at one time or another, but those with more emotional tension or upset during the day will probably have more nightmares, because nightmares usually come about from the daily struggles in your day. This will also depend on how sensitive the dreamer is. Nightmares are a very normal part of your child’s development and working through daily’s life struggles.

Night terrors vs. Nightmares

We learned last week when I described night terrors, that it’s important to distinguish night terrors from nightmares because how we resolve them will be very different. Night terrors or other confusional events will not result in your child being fully awake afterward, but with a nightmare, he will be and he will be clearly frightened.

With Night terrors you usually figure out your child is having one in the middle of it happening, but in a nightmare, you will only know it happened after it’s over and your child is awake and scared. It is also important to note that nightmares usually occur in the second half of the night while night terrors typically happen within the first few hours of the night. It is often hard to settle or calm a child having a night terror and he isn’t fully awake barely responding to you, but once it’s over he goes back to sleep quickly. After a nightmare your child will feel comforted by you, but may or may not go back to sleep as easily depending on the age of your child and how scary the dream was.

Nightmares can be very scary and in the final part of the series, I will discuss ways to try to limit night terrors and nightmares, how to handle each when you’re in the thick of things, and how to discourage any bad habits from forming.

Share your child’s nightmares

Welcome to part 1 of my Baby / Toddler Night Terrors and Nightmares series where I will discuss the different types of night terrors and nightmares your baby or toddler can have, the age they start, the age they stop, the difference between the two and how you should handle each, because the way you handle each is different. We’ll kick off this series by discussing night terrors (aka sleep terrors).

Night Terrors – What are they?

Many people use the term night terrors to describe a lot of different behavior at night. Whether or not you believe in cry it out or its many variations, Ferber (where the term “ferberizing” comes from) is the director of The Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders in Boston, MA and clears up that there are things called “confusional events” (or partial wakings) and something else called “sleep terrors”. I will describe each of them so you will be able to know the difference. As always, I try to limit too much sleep science talk because it’s really technical (and pretty boring if you are not obsessed with sleep as much as I am), but if you are interested in more I highly recommend reading Ferber’s book who does a thorough job in explaining everything.

You might remember beginning around 4 months old, when we first fall asleep, it’s a transition into the deepest sleep of the whole night. This process takes approximately 30 minutes from bedtime for babies as they go into deep sleep faster than adults. The first sleep cycle lasts about 60 to 90 minutes and your baby (and you) will wake briefly as she transitions into the second sleep cycle, which is also deep sleep. The first few hours of sleep of the night is (supposed to be) the deepest. It is during this transition between sleep cycles that you wake briefly. You might roll over or you might pull the cover up over you. It is usually brief and you go right back to sleep. This is NORMAL to wake briefly. Sometimes, however, this process is not so smooth and not so quick and explains why your baby sometimes wakes up crying. Or, do they?

Confusional events typically happen within the first two sleep cycles or between 1 and 4 hours after bedtime. What happens is part of your mind is trying to go back to sleep and part of your mind is trying to wake up and they are both trying to win. There is a wide spectrum as to how that might play out. Your baby might moan, mumble, fuss, or move around for a few minutes and go right back to sleep. That would be a mild confusional event. This is when most people are sleep talking. People think this is when someone is dreaming, but in reality, this is during a NON-dream state. This explains why my husband doesn’t remember what I’m talking about when I tell him something he said the night before.

If the event is a bit more intense, your toddler might sleep walk. She may walk up to you and seem to see right through you. Her eyes might be open, but she is still mostly asleep. Most kids won’t ever remember this happening. It could be a bit more pronounced such as a child jumping out of bed and moving around the room. She might seem upset or confused and may even say things like “No! Stop!” but not really appear too frightened. She might not recognize you and might push you away if you try to hug or touch her. It will likely be virtually impossible to either wake her or console her.

If your baby or toddler (or you) have a true night terror (or sleep terror), it will be more sudden than a confusional event that builds up gradually. Your child will do something like sit straight up in bed and let out a bloodcurdling scream. Her heart will beat fast and she might be very hot and sweaty. She will probably look very terrified and may be screaming things like “Stop!”, “No!”, “Help!” It usually lasts from 1 to 5 minutes and if she wakes at the end will probably not remember anything. It is rare, but some kids will jump out of bed and run around and “run away” from whatever appears to be chasing her. Again, this is very rare.

Night Terrors – Age they start and stop

Partial wakings and confusional events are normal and happen from birth. The “confusion” comes in when your body’s drive to sleep is met with your body’s drive to wake. An example is when you are asleep and you hear the baby crying. You get up, walk to her room and start to feed her before you are fully awake. You might not even remember how you got into the room. Part of your mind was awake and part of it was asleep. If you are confused, you might go in the bathroom instead of the baby’s room and then wonder what you’re doing up when you hear the baby crying and finally your brain starts to wake up. From birth, there will be times during sleep transitions that your baby’s drive to sleep is being challenged by the drive to wake up and your baby might cry or fuss between sleep cycles. This is why it’s important to not interrupt the process of going back to sleep, if you can help it. We want the drive to sleep to win. But, just as an alarm clock is meant to wake you up fully, we, parents, wake our babies up by getting them up too soon, sometimes.

True night or sleep terrors most often happen to adolescents and preadolescents (so 10 to 18 years old), though younger kids might have similar events and of course, everyone is unique. The good thing is that most likely if your baby or toddler appears to be having a night terror, most likely it is a confusional event in which he is not truly frightened. And, in either case, they typically don’t remember either.

Night Terrors – How long they last

Confusional events and night terrors last from a few minutes to up to 40 minutes and typically not longer than that. These are NOT dreams and explains why your child won’t even remember them in the morning. It also explains why you may not be able to comfort him if he is crying or screaming. Night terrors are usually a shorter 1 to 5 minutes.

To recap, confusional events generally occur in the beginning of the night as your baby or toddler is coming out of deep sleep and transitioning into the next sleep cycle. He might roll over, moan, mumble, move around a bit, fuss / cry a bit and typically go right back to sleep. If he is having a more intense event, he might stand up in his crib, get out of bed and come into your room. A night terror, typically starting around 10 years old, will be much more intense beginning suddenly and ending within a few minutes. Later in the series, I’ll explain how to minimize the occurrences and how you should handle night terrors.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I will explain what nightmares are, when they occur at night, what age they start and when they stop in babies and toddlers. If you haven’t already, you might want to get free updates in your e-mail inbox or via your favorite feed reader, so you won’t miss a part!

Part 2: Baby / Toddler Night Terrors and Nightmares

Does your baby or toddler have confusional events or night terrors? Tell us about it!