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Cultural Differences in Baby and Toddler Sleep

Posted by on October 23rd, 2012 in Sleep Training

Here at the Baby Sleep Site™, we take great pride in the fact that we’re an international business. We’ve worked with families from across the globe in an effort to get a better night’s sleep. Geography has never been a barrier for us; in fact, two of our sleep consultants are living internationally themselves! Melissa Kenzig splits her time between the U.S. and France, and Amy Bryant currently calls Germany home. And, both know a thing or two about cultural differences regarding baby and toddler sleep!

After years spent helping families from all over the world, one of the things we’ve learned is that cultural differences play a big role in sleep training. In this article, we’ll take a look at how different cultures view and handle co-sleeping, naps, bedtimes, maternity leave, and sleep training, to name a few. Why? Not to divide us parents, but to share with you that if you are not raising your baby like the “norm” in your own country, chances are that it’s the “norm” somewhere and you’re not alone!

Cultural Differences and Baby Sleep

Bedtime

Bedtime varies greatly from country to country, we’ve learned. Here in the U.S., it seems standard to put young children (especially babies) to bed early — around 7:00 or 8:00 p.m., and sometimes even 6:00 p.m. ala Weissbluth. Many of our American clients also view bedtime as “fixed” — that is, it happens around the same time every night.

Contrast this with some of our European and Asian clients, who routinely put their babies and toddlers to bed quite “late” — around 10 or 11 p.m. Many of these clients have told us that late bedtimes are quite normal in their countries; parents want to spend time with the children after work, so bedtime gets pushed back to create more family time. Many times, this also means bedtime is a more fluid, less fixed time. The idea that bedtime has to (or should) happen at the same time each night isn’t nearly as prevalent in some countries as it is in the U.S.

Nicole’s Note:
“I have often wondered how my son would have fared in a European country with a late bedtime. But, one thing we’ve seen is that we are able to help most families within the parameters of their family structure and needs. As long as your baby is getting enough sleep, that is usually all that matters. Late bedtimes generally mean later wake-up time (with the right schedule!), so there is a balance.”

Co-Sleeping

In the Western world, co-sleeping isn’t exactly the norm. Here in the West, we tend to sleep our babies in cribs, in a separate nursery. Room-sharing is still popular in the first 6 months or so, but other forms of co-sleeping (like co-sleeping long-term, or bed-sharing) are still more on the rare side among Western moms.

In countries around the world, however, this isn’t the case. For example, in many countries, parents and children share the same bed for several years. This is the case in many Asian countries — babies sleep with their parents until they’re toddlers, and at that point, they move to their own small bed near their parents’ bed.

It’s also standard practice in some countries to sleep your baby in the same bed as an extended family member (like a grandmother, or an aunt.) This is particularly true for countries in which living with extended family under the same roof is the norm.

Nicole’s Note:
“One important difference when it comes to co-sleeping across the globe is the bed that the parents sleep in. It is important to bed share SAFELY! American beds are different (read: fluffy, soft, pillow-top, etc.) than others’. “

Naps and Schedules

In the U.S. and some other Western countries, many parents work hard to get their babies on predictable, regular schedules. And there’s a lot to be said for establishing a routine — it often helps regulate a baby’s naptime sleep (and even nighttime sleep!)

However, we’ve found that parents from other countries tend to have a more relaxed, on-the-go mentality when it comes to schedules. In these countries, it’s normal for baby’s sleep schedule to look different from one day to the next. And it’s fine for naps to happen on the go, while mom and dad are out running errands or spending time with friends.

Nicole’s Note:
“No doubt our busy, American lifestyle leads to us being more rigid about scheduling. How else can we make sure the baby is up on time for daycare or we’re at that Gymboree class on time with a happy, content baby? My sons seemed anti-on-the-go and one was afraid he’d miss anything to sleep while out and about, so I definitely don’t know how that would have worked for him! :) It is particularly challenging for our international clients when they have a son like mine, who needs to be home, in bed, to sleep.”

Help With Childcare

This is a big difference we’ve noticed in our work with families from all over the world. In many Western countries, parenting tends to be a fairly isolated affair. It’s a parent’s job to do the work of childrearing, and if the parents happen to need childcare help, they generally have to outsource it (to a daycare provider, for example.)

This is far from the case around the world. In many cultures, the extended family takes an active role in helping to raise children. Sometimes, family members all live together under one roof, meaning that grandma takes the night shift with the baby as often as mom does.

What’s more, in some countries, middle-class families are able to hire house help, like nannies or maids. This provides parents with extra help as well — it isn’t always mom or dad who’s feeding and changing and cleaning up after and waking with the baby.

Maternity Leaves

This is such an interesting phenomenon, and it’s one that we’ve seen come up again and again when we work with international parents. Here in the West, maternity leaves are often woefully short (moms are lucky to get 12 weeks), and they’re often unpaid.

Contrast that with countries around the world that mandate lengthy, paid maternity leaves. In Croatia, Denmark, Serbia, and the U.K., for example, maternity leave is a full year long, and mom receives 90-100% of her normal working wage.

The implications of this are fairly obvious. It’s no wonder that many of us Western parents are quick to get our babies on a sleep schedule, and to start sleep training early — we need our babies to nap well and to sleep through the night because we have to go back to work! Many of our international clients, however, don’t face this same pressure — their maternity leaves tend to be longer, so (in general) they’re more relaxed about their babies’ sleep habits, especially when their babies’ are very young. Having said this, we do not believe At-Home Parents have it easy, either.

(Note: to see a side-by-side comparison of maternity leaves around the world, organized by country, take a look at this helpful Huffingtonpost.com article.)

Sleep Training

The different cultural perceptions of sleep training are fascinating to us here at the Baby Sleep Site™. In fact, if we were writing this for a different audience, we may even have to define the phrase “sleep training”, since it’s unheard of in some countries around the world!

In the West, we’ve become fairly accustomed to the concept of sleep training. The idea that some parents take steps to train, or to teach, their babies to sleep is understood and accepted (even if not every Western parent would agree with some of the practices associated with sleep training, like cry it out methods.)

However, in other countries around the world, the idea of “teaching” a baby to sleep is a foreign one. Many international parents report that in their home countries, allowing a baby to cry, even for a moment, is considered cruel and unnatural. Instead, it’s the expectation that babies will have night-wakings and the family’s “village” will help, whether it means getting up with the baby at night or allow Mom to nap during the day.

Nicole’s Note:
“We are working with more and more international clients who want something different than their surrounding culture. They feel isolated and alone and we try to be there for them. It’s not easy to have a challenging sleeper, wherever you are!”

A General, Respectful Overview

This isn’t meant to be an authoritative account on cultural differences and baby sleep. Rather, we’ve tried to give you a general glimpse at how the perceptions and practices surrounding baby sleep vary from country to country.

And we’re not presenting these differences to judge parents from other cultures — not at all! We believe that every baby and every situation is unique; we also believe that we have a lot to learn from each other. Educating yourself about sleep norms around the world is one more way you can help your own baby or toddler along the road to better sleep.

What are your thoughts on some of these differences? Be respectful, please! And to our international readers: anything to add? Chime in, and we’ll update the article with your feedback!

Expectations and practices regarding baby and toddler sleep may change from country to country, but sleep deprivation crosses all borders! If you’re an exhausted parent, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

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Should You Let Your Baby Cry It Out?

Posted by on July 17th, 2012 in Sleep Training

When parents contact the Baby Sleep Site for the first time, they often say the same thing: “Are you going to tell me I have to let my baby cry? Because I can’t handle that!”

No parent enjoys the sound of their baby wailing in distress.

That’s why the cry-it-out methods advocated by Ferber, Weissbluth, and Ezzo are so controversial. Some parents feel like cry-it-out is a form of cruel and unusual punishment, but others are quick to point out that cry-it-out methods are fast and effective ways to teach a baby to sleep.

Not too long ago, an article in Psychology Today discussed the “dangers” of cry it out and yet another article even suggested that cry-it-out methods might be the cause of our “Prozac Nation.”

It remains debatable whether or not cry-it-out methods actually damage a child. After all, people often mean very different things when they use the phrase “cry it out” and what affects one child will not affect another the same way (just like Nicole’s life experiences affected her a certain way in the above article). And let’s remember that the side-effects of sleeplessness for children (obesity , depression, behavior problems, and even drug and alcohol problems, as well as a number of others) can be pretty serious. But even if using a cry-it-out method doesn’t damage your little one, should you do it?

What Does Cry-It-Out Mean, Exactly?

In any discussion of cry-it-out, it’s important to make sure everyone’s operating with the same definition. There are a lot of things that we believe cry-it-out is NOT; there are two things we believe that it IS. At The Baby Sleep Site, we use cry-it-out to mean a sleep training method that is used to change sleep associations and to help parents set limits as to what they will and will not “do” in the name of sleep.

Does Cry-It-Out Actually Work?

It might seem counterintuitive to think that crying can lead to a baby sleeping peacefully for hours on end. The thing is, though, it can, for some babies. Remember that falling asleep is a skill that a baby has to learn, and anytime a person (young or old) has to learn a new skill, there are bound to be some mistakes made. Some falling down. Some crying. As Nicole says,

“It is difficult to convince your baby that she can sleep on her own without some crying, just like it’s difficult to learn to ride a bike without falling.”

Some Parents Reject Cry-It-Out Due To Fear or Misconceptions

Some parents understand all the ins and outs of cry-it-out methods and still reject them. And that’s fine, of course. To each her own! However, other parents have fears or misconceptions that cause them to avoid any cry-it-out methods:

  • Some parents fear cry-it-out means that they have to let their child scream for 8 straight hours and turn 12 shades of purple before offering them any comfort. Not so! Remember, there are lots of steps in between rocking your baby all night long and letting her wail for hours.
  • Other parents worry that cry-it-out might change their child’s personality, turning their sweet, smiling baby into a screaming, shrieking one. But remember that your child’s temperament is as unique as he is, and it’s highly unlikely that any sleep training method is going to change that. That said, if you have a cranky, fussy, inconsolable baby on your hands, and that fussiness is due to chronic sleep deprivation, then cry-it-out may just change your baby’s personality — for the better! Once he starts getting the sleep he needs, don’t be surprised if that constant fussiness disappears.
  • Some parents are concerned that using a cry-it-out method will destroy their child’s trust in them. This is an understandable fear; when you’re listening to your child cry, it’s easy worry that she feels neglected. But this kind of thinking puts a LOT of pressure on you! After all, you can make yourself crazy if you operate with the mindset that any one thing you do (or don’t do, for that matter) could potentially damage your child FOREVER.

There’s No Formula for Parenting

When you’re sleep training (whether you’re using a cry-it-out methods or not), it’s easy to lose perspective. It’s easy to feel like letting your baby cry for a few minutes will cause serious damage.

That’s why it’s so important to remember that the parent-child relationship is a complex one, made up of many elements. There’s no ONE thing that can destroy that entire relationship. As Nicole says,

“There is not ONE thing (except possibly the purely heinous,like sexual abuse) that will violate his trust in you. If that were the case, the ONE time you didn’t catch him when he was learning to walk and bumped his head would cause him not to trust you anymore. The ONE time you were late changing his diaper and he was cold and crying and you didn’t know would cause harm to him. It is all the love, affection, and care you give him all day, day-in and day-out, that builds the relationship between mother/father and child.”

Some Parents Still Feel Cry-It-Out Isn’t For Them — And That’s Fine

The purpose of this article isn’t to persuade you to use a cry-it-out approach to sleep training. We don’t push cry-it-out methods over other approaches to sleep training, and we certainly won’t try to persuade you to use a method you’re not comfortable with. Whatever sleep training method you choose, remember that it has to work for everyone involved — for your child, and for YOU.

The Baby Sleep Site strives to remain judgment-free and to respect every parent’s unique philosophy, so if you just aren’t comfortable with any of the cry-it-out methods, that’s okay! There are plenty of other ways to teach your little one to sleep well, including some no-cry sleep training options. They might just require a little more patience on your part.

We always start our sleep consultations with a no-cry approach (unless a parent requests that we begin with a cry-it-out method). What’s more, we’ve had great success working with parents who have an attachment parenting philosophy, parents who are co-sleepers, and parents who simply want to minimize crying as much as possible. Be sure to check our our testimonials page to learn more about the variety of families we’ve helped in their journeys to better sleep.

Nicole’s Note
“I just saw a Facebook update from this mom, Najmi, whose now 6 1/2 year old looks forward to the weekend, so she can sleep in! If only we were all so lucky. Najmi was so petrified of CIO, but it was a life-changing decision she made. Cry it out is definitely not for every situation, but the pressure parents put on themselves to not allow ANY crying can sometimes do more harm. It’s about finding the right solution for your specific situation.”

What about you? Cry-It-Out? No-Cry? Share your opinions!

If you’re looking for ways to to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

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Your Real Goals In Baby Sleep Training (Hint: It’s Not Sleep!)

Posted by on July 10th, 2012 in Sleep Training

Surprise! We’ve had to sleep train our son (the one who inspired this website)…again! Can you believe it? Well…actually, I’ve stopped calling it “sleep training” and think more of it as teaching him new habits when the ones he’s established aren’t working anymore. And, this has changed over time.

Last week, we talked about how inertia can keep you from sleep training and the discussion was interesting. One commenter suggested that perhaps night-waking is normal and there really isn’t a “problem” to fix. I can see why she would say that. If all these babies have sleep problems, doesn’t that just make it normal and sleep deprivation is just a part of parenting?

I answer with a resounding “No!”

Our children do not come out knowing what to do in many areas (actually it surprised me all the little things I take for granted that I now have to teach!). Back in caveman days, I’m sure our ancestors taught our children how to hunt. Just because a baby doesn’t come out knowing how to hunt doesn’t mean we didn’t teach him. And, our children certainly do not come out with manners, either. We teach them how to say “please” and “thank you.” To me, it’s like saying since most kids like sweet foods that they should have a diet high in sugar and we have no influence over establishing healthy eating habits. Habits are just those. And, the way we parent our children can change those habits in a big way!

Does this mean your child should never wake at night? Of course not. There is a huge difference between a newborn waking 5 times a night and a 2 year old. There is a huge difference between a 10 month old eating once or twice a night and a 3 year old. And, there is a huge difference between a 4 month old waking every two hours and an 18 month old. Waking once a night for 18 months may be manageable for some, but waking EVERY two hours for 18 months would hardly be manageable for anyone, I can imagine. Even 6 months was too long for me and I am simply a worse parent when I am sleep deprived!

I know that many people believe that children will outgrow their sleep problems and perhaps some do, but these are long-term habits that can be very hard to change, if they don’t. This is similar to how hard it would be to teach a 6 year old to eat broccoli when he hasn’t eaten it for the first 5 years. I recently worked with a family of a 3 year old waking every 2 hours for a pacifier. That is not “normal,” that is “habit.” And, we influence our children’s habits just like we teach them to wash their hands after using the potty. The longer you have a habit, the harder it is to change.

So, what is your goal in sleep training? It’s not sleep!

As I mentioned above, we recently had to teach our son new sleep habits yet again. Here’s what happened:

It all started as nightmares back when he started Kindergarten last Fall. Understandably, he was nervous and the transition had him feeling a bit more anxious. Over the months, he’d have ups and downs and nothing major to worry about. Nighttime fears are very common after the age of 3 or 4, by the way, so it’s likely that your baby or toddler will go through something similar. When my son was 3, he had a fear of dinosaurs (no matter how many times you try to explain what “extinct” means :) ). I’ve had clients with toddlers afraid of a variety of things from monsters to the dark, and it’s not always rational.

During this past Spring, things started really getting out of hand with night-waking every night and more and more fear. It started out as me trying to be understanding and comforting and then I decided I was only feeding the fear and I had to do something. But, you wouldn’t “sleep train” away fear, would you? Well, that’s exactly what I did, but first, you have to stop and redefine what “sleep training” means. And, you’ll see why it worked!

First, I decided I was reinforcing this fear, rather than empowering him not to be afraid. This was a very important realization for me. After all, I rationalized that one day he would outgrow this fear, right? I didn’t want to wake up one day to a 10 year old with phobias, but I wanted to be a comforting mom and for him to know that I was always there for him. And, that’s what I did, only he no longer “needed” me, he had new habits of being afraid. This is the same way you might be reinforcing your baby’s need to be rocked, fed, bounced, or pacifier’d to sleep (yes that’s a word, I think). By continuing to do the same thing over and over, you only instill the habit even more and reinforce their “need” for it. It’s possible he wouldn’t be ready, but it didn’t hurt for me to try, much like a 4 month old may not be ready for sleep training, but maybe another 6 month old would.

So, I started talking to my son more and more during the day and at dinnertime about his fears and we started “Operation Brave” and we talked about ways he can be brave. I talked to both he and his brother about this and they both came up with their own ideas. It was also important that I not minimize his very real feelings of why he was afraid. Instead, we talked about them and faced them and thought of ways to empower all of us, so we didn’t have to be afraid (such as talking about how we make sure all the doors are locked before we go to bed).

The other thing I did was I stopped laying with him as long at bedtime as that had become a recurring sleep association and I hadn’t realized just how much that was becoming a new habit for me to stay longer and longer. To “sleep train,” I started out simply leaving 1 or 2 minutes earlier than I recently had been and I said something like “You are so brave.” and I would leave for two minutes or so and then come back to check on him, give him a hug and a kiss and positively reinforce how brave he was being. We started VERY slow (as I most often recommend to anyone sleep training) and we did all of this with no crying. No tears whatsoever (which I can’t say was the case years ago when we first sleep trained or subsequent times after that!). After 2-3 weeks, he was doing soooo much better and since then I have only heard him say “I’m scared.” one or two times. Phew! :) We are currently in our longest stretch of good sleep since I can remember, actually (knock wood!).

The bottom line? Whether you have a baby, toddler, or older child, your focus in sleep training is NOT sleep! Your primary goals of sleep training are increasing self-confidence, improving skills with practice much like learning to walk or ride a bike, avoiding reinforcement of poor habits and, going back to the comment, instilling good routines and sleep habits. Nothing is a problem until it is one, but that doesn’t mean you sit back and wait to see if a problem goes away. Be sure that you DO have the wisdom and influence on your child’s habits, sleep or otherwise, and it’s an ongoing process.

Focus on the above goals and sleep, my friends, will follow!

What are your goals in sleep training?

Please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

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How My First 5K and Baby Steps Can Help You Sleep Train Your Baby

Posted by on December 6th, 2011 in Sleep Training

When you’re a sleep coach, many other things in your life tend to remind you about babies or sleep training or sleep training babies. On November 5th, I ran my first 5K race. It was a race where a portion of the proceeds would be donated to The Honor Flight for World War II veterans to fly to Washington D.C. I can thank my son (who inspired this site) for the inspiration (I guess he inspires me a lot!). He ran his first 1K over a year ago and wanted to run in another race. Back then, I was out of shape and didn’t race in the 5K that day. I vowed I would run in the next one. For the last 8 months or so, I’ve been exercising (you may remember that) a lot more, so when he asked about another race, I signed us up.

Did I expect to win the race? No way! In fact, I came in 104th. Ouch. I was 14th in my age group, though (which was ahem, 37 but now 38 years old). It took me 32 minutes and 9 seconds. Not bad! :)

With many things in my life, I set goals that I wanted to achieve (not my friend or neighbor). They never have to be “Become the President of the United States” goals. My primary goal for the 5K was simply to do it. My secondary goal was to keep running the entire time. I achieved both that day and the feeling of accomplishment was AMAZING!

What does this have to do with sleep training?

I remember sleep training sometimes feeling like a race. All your friend’s babies were sleeping well. The babies in the playgroups were sleeping through the night. So many people making you feel like it’s your fault you can’t finish the race, too. It was because he was napping too much or my breast milk wasn’t enough or WHATever!

Unlike the 5K, I never trained for sleep training. Who knew that babies just don’t sleep when they’re tired?!?

One way my 5K race IS like sleep training is the small goals I made for myself and I started thinking this is EXACTLY what I did when I sleep trained my own son and EXACTLY what I do when I make a Personalized Sleep Plan™. I recently read Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover and he goes over “baby steps” to become “financially fit.” I related a lot to his “baby steps” because it is at the heart of how I view goals.

Will it work to do your bedtime routine, put your baby to bed, and not come back until morning, crying or not? For many, sure. Is that the way most people want to sleep train? Of course not! Do I recommend to parents they do that? Who needs to pay someone to tell them that, so no. That is usually the way a hare does it or someone who has done an extensive amount of sleep training, already. I am not a hard-core “sleep trainer” and never have been.

Instead, I think the reason I’ve been successful in many things I do is a) I’m not afraid to fail (that’s how we learn) and b) I make smaller goals that build to one big goal.

When I sleep trained my son, my primary goal was to stop taking THREE HOURS (yes, literally) to put him to bed each night. Sure, he fell asleep rocking in my arms, but then he’d wake up every time he felt me move to lower him into bed! My first goal was NOT for him to sleep through the night or even to stop waking up every two hours…yet (though he did anyway once we mastered bedtime, yay!)

When I created The Baby Sleep Site™, my goal was to help people. I had NO goals about how many. I had no idea what would happen, but all I knew is that I wanted to make a website to support other parents (even if it was only 10 people) who were going through what I had to go through essentially alone. Even my husband didn’t obsess about sleep as much as I did, of course, and frankly, I think he got tired of hearing about it. Now, he doesn’t have to, because you listen. :)

Breaking your goals into “baby steps” can help you sleep train your baby, too! I did finally help my son sleep through the night (though it wasn’t perfect every night by any means!), The Baby Sleep Site™ now enjoys over 150,000 visitors per month and has over 100,000 people who receive the weekly newsletter, and now, I’ve finished my first 5K and my next goal is to do it in under 30 minutes. And, who knows? Maybe one day I’ll even win one.

What’s Your Goal and How Will You Achieve It?

If you’re looking for your “baby” steps that help you achieve your long-term goal and ways to to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

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Why Support Is Important In Sleep Training

Posted by on November 22nd, 2011 in Sleep Training

Baby Sleep HelpFamilies surprise me every day. About two months ago, I received a sleep plan request with a tough situation. Here’s a mom with very little support at home to sleep train AND her in-laws live with them! Talk about being under a microscope.

She was all alone in wanting to help her son sleep better. Neither her husband or in-laws thought it was a good idea to disrupt status quo. As many families, they wait for the child to “outgrow” their issues or perhaps what’s an issue for one person is normal to another.

She wanted help with her son’s sleep not only for her sake, even though she felt exhausted, frustrated, and short-tempered, but because her son was suffering, too. He was much more clumsy, getting hurt more often, and not as happy being so tired all the time.

Honestly, with such little support at home, I did the best sleep plan I could, but wasn’t sure that would be enough. And, it wasn’t. A plan is only as good as you can implement it.

This mom must have felt the same thing I did and decided to buy an 30-day unlimited e-mail package. If anyone was a good candidate for needing mega-support and accountability, it was her. Still, with their sleeping arrangements and the parameters of what she’d be able to do without being criticized and bullied into not making any changes, this was not going to be an easy case. Of course, we would use as gentle a method as possible. Change routines, be supportive and encouraging to her son, and very consistent, but no cry it out or anything like that.

The difference between an unlimited package and a standard e-mail package is really huge in a case like this. For others, it’s not, and it’s all what you do with it. This mom was determined. She sent me at least 3-4 emails a day with questions. A lot of them. I answered each one as detailed as possible. I loved her updates and cheering her on. There were some tough times for her under the scrutiny of the naysayers. :(

After almost 30 days, we had made a lot of progress, but not quite enough, and she bought two more weeks. I tell you this to reinforce that often “no cry” methods take longer to implement and achieve results. And, because, not all children will be “done” in 3 days like the books want you to believe. I tell you this so you can have realistic expectations for your child, too. It’s a work in progress and takes time to change a child’s expectations. Besides that, her son is two years old, which is a long time to have habits that need changing, never mind the “Terrible Two” independence-seeking that goes on. This was one of her last e-mails to me at the end of our 45 days or so:

“Nicole, If this is my very last email, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You were truly an answered prayer. I really thank you and thank God for you. He is so faithful and I know this because he answered my prayers through you :) . Thank you again. I hope you and your family have a happy and healthy life. I will be willing to write a comment about you for your page anytime as long as I remain anonymous. And will recommend my friends to you anytime.

I talk to a lot of parents every week and I am SO impressed with this mom. She has really stuck to her guns and triumphed when others would have given up. She has made huge strides and, at times, had a little boy who went to sleep, on his own, with her OUT of the room, sleeping 11 hours at night, staying in bed until his toddler clock turned to “wake up,” and take a 1 to 1 1/2 hour nap, on his own. When we first started, I wasn’t even sure we’d get there and it is a testament to how much it’s a team effort to help your child sleep better, sometimes. I can give you the plan and I can give you advice, and I can cheer you on, but YOU are the one who does all the work and, for that, I applaud everyone who has dedicated themselves to helping their child sleep, whether or not you have been successful. Sometimes I’m still so surprised how much support I am able to give with just words on a page, online, via e-mail, but somehow it works…at least for many, maybe not all and they need presence (I don’t do house calls, sorry! :) ). Oh! And, a bonus to all of this? This mom’s mother-in-law has sung praises to others about how well the boy was sleeping and she and Dad were helping put him to bed in the “new” way. This mom has made HUGE changes in that house. She has, unfortunately, recently had some back-sliding, which is very common (especially when you lack the support at home), but once we get those solved I hope she and her son have many sleep-filled nights ahead of her!

Today, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Even if your home life is not supportive, we are here for you day and night. Support in what you’re doing, whether it’s your spouse, family, or friends can make a big difference in keeping you going and not give up prematurely. If you need the support and haven’t asked for it at home, do it! Sometimes admitting you need help and asking for it is the first step in sleep training, and nothing to do with your baby or your baby’s sleep. Your spouse or other loved ones can help. I know we moms are programmed to think we can do it all on our own and it can be difficult to ask for help, but remember the old saying “It takes a village.” so don’t feel like you have to do it all alone.

If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

What type of support system did you need during sleep training?

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How the Holidays May Impact Your Baby’s Sleep

Posted by on November 15th, 2011 in Holidays

With Thanksgiving in the U.S. and other holidays quickly approaching, I’m sure many of you are wondering what you should do, if anything, with your baby’s schedule and sleep. It can be tricky when you travel or need to be at a family event during a nap time (our extended family Thanksgiving “dinner” is at 2 p.m., for example). Depending on your baby’s personality and temperament, some babies will be fine with an “off” schedule for one day. They may be a bit overtired, maybe have a little rougher night’s sleep, but get back on track the next day. Other babies will take days to get back on track. We always went a little late to dinner, so our eldest son could take his much-needed nap (because routine disruptions took us a minimum of one week to get back on track). This year will be our second year in six years we’ll be on time, since our youngest is (still) transitioning to no napping (which we are looking forward to with bedtime getting so late!).

I know many of you will be going out of town for the holidays, either in the coming week or near Christmas/Chanukah, and I wish you safe travels. Thanksgiving is one of the most traveled holidays in the U.S. Of course, traveling always presents challenges for those of us with kids. After all, a 6-hour drive can mean one 3-hour nap (that we only can dream about at home) at 9 a.m. (not so good), leaving a very overtired baby in the evening or, for those of us whose babies are “allergic” to sleeping in the car, it might mean no nap at all. Here are a few nap and schedule tips for this holiday season:

  • If your baby is just getting on a schedule, try to stick to routine or schedule as much as possible. The first couple of weeks you are “setting” a schedule are typically the most important.
  • If you have to choose between a missed morning nap or missed afternoon nap, opt for a missed afternoon nap PLUS an early bedtime (if possible). The morning nap usually sets the mood for the rest of the day. An overtired baby in the morning typically plagues you the rest of the day and night.
  • If your baby readily sleeps in the car, you can try to time bedtime in the car and then transfer her to bed when you get home. Even if she wakes up, do not treat this like a nap. Her body will still expect to sleep, so do a mini bedtime routine and put her to bed. Try to keep it dark while you are doing this, so she doesn’t wake all the way up.
  • If your baby won’t nap at all in the car, try to drive after the first nap of the day in hopes of starting the day on the right foot and then try a nap when you arrive at your destination.
  • If you are trying to decide whether you should start sleep training now or after the holidays, I do recommend going ahead and getting started. In a week’s time, you will have a good handle of how things are going. You can always opt for a break, but if things go well, all the better to enjoy the holidays! I know a lot of families have time off, so it’s best to use them to the fullest and give your baby the gift of sleep.

The holidays can impact your baby’s sleep in a variety of ways including too much daytime napping (during travels in the car), over-tiredness at bedtime (leading to more night-waking and waking up too early in the morning), or not enough napping due to schedule disruptions. Some babies will get back on track the next day while others will take days or weeks to get back on track. All in all, try to enjoy the holidays as much as possible and we can work on your baby’s sleep when you get back home. For more holiday travel sleep tips, please check out this article: 11 Holiday Baby Sleep Tips.

If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, I encourage you to explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 40 sample sleep schedules and planning worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

What concerns you most about the holidays and your baby’s sleep?

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The 10-point Checklist You and Your Baby Are Ready For Sleep Training

Posted by on September 20th, 2011 in Sleep Training

Baby Sleep Training ChecklistMy team and I do quite a few Personalized Sleep Plans™ every week, but we can give you the best of plans and it doesn’t mean anything if you and your baby are not ready for it. Here is a 10-point checklist to determine if you and your baby or toddler are ready for sleep training.

1. Your baby has preferences. Babies will learn early that some things feel good (e.g. being in mommy or daddy’s arms) and what doesn’t (e.g. dirty diaper). They instinctively learn to cry to get a clean diaper or be held, if they need the comfort. At some point, though, a need can become a want. Your newborn will likely have limited self-soothing abilities or she will be great at sleeping, but then has her 4 month old sleep regression and suddenly has sleep problems. At some point you will be convinced your every-two-hour-eater is genuinely hungry or needs the comfort. Eventually, you will start to wonder if she really needs it as much as wants it. After all, maybe the only reason she “needs” it is because that’s all she’s ever known, not that she can’t sleep without it.

2. Your baby has the ability to learn a new way to sleep. There is a difference between babies who can and can’t learn to self-soothe. Experts will disagree far and wide at the “right” age, but all situations are different. The key here is whether you believe that your baby has the ability to learn a new way to sleep.

3. The timing is right for your baby. Many will agree that a 6 month old can learn to self-soothe, but does that mean it wouldn’t be better for YOUR family to wait until she’s more like 12 months? Maybe. It depends on the baby, their temperament, what they’re going through and a whole host of other factors. You know your baby best and need to figure out the right time for your baby. And, keep in mind that you can always try, take a break, and try again, if you doubt your timing after you start.

4. The timing is right for you. There is a big difference between hearing your 16-week old or 6-month old fussing or crying versus hearing your 11-month old. Even still, it is different hearing a baby cry or your toddler saying “Mama!” or “Dada!” Whether you use a no-cry method or a crying one, there is bound to be some uncomfortable moments. Are YOU ready for some rough days and/or nights? Are you able to deal with it getting harder for a few days before it gets easier?

5. Does your baby actually have a sleep problem? Sometimes, expectations are actually to blame for a baby’s “sleep problem.” Is your 8-month old breastfed baby still waking up once a night to eat? For many, that is A-OK and age-appropriate. My boys nursed once a night for their first year. All babies are different and sometimes you just have to adjust your expectations. Once you lower your expectations and stop comparing to your baby to your neighbor’s, it does wonders for your outlook.

6. Decide you need to sleep train. Maybe you can’t go on waking up every hour to put a pacifier in the baby’s mouth or even if you have appropriate expectations and you don’t have a true “baby sleep problem,” you need to decide that you need to sleep train. I’ve had clients who are surgeons and getting up once a night is just brutal months and months later, so maybe you need to sleep train to get a full night’s sleep. Similarly, some clients experience more health problems, difficulty functioning, or post-postpartum depression. I recently had a client tell me she didn’t understand how sleep deprivation could be used as a form of torture until she had a baby. I totally relate!

7. Do you have the time and commitment? One thing that’s difficult about my job is setting appropriate expectations about how long sleep training will take. Some are frustrated three days later that changes aren’t happening fast enough. I thank the books for that who make you think that it’s a “3 days and you’re done…FOREVER” type of process. For some babies and toddlers, sleep training means you are changing habits as long as two or three years old! Results are simply not always over night (though some are!). Granted, most will have at least some success within 1-2 weeks that helps give you the boost you need for the long haul.

8. Are you ready to be consistent? Along the same lines, you need to be ready to be 100% consistent. Waffling or changing strategies hourly or daily can lead to more crying and frustration on both you and your baby’s parts. Similar to how diets don’t work, because you need a “lifestyle change,” sleep training should not be seen as a crash diet. You need to be consistent both short-term and long-term. Are you ready?

9. Can you be patient? Particularly if you are using a no-cry sleep training method, you need to be prepared to be patient. Just like your baby won’t learn to walk or talk in a day, you can’t expect him to learn any new skill in one day.

10. Make a plan. Whether it’s one of our personalized sleep plans or you make on your own, have a plan. Decide what your goals are and how you will achieve them. Monitor progress and tweak the plan. You don’t just decide to be a doctor one day, it takes planning. Sometimes a curve ball is thrown that you didn’t anticipate, so you’ll tweak the plan. If your first plan doesn’t succeed, try try again.

Bonus: Do you have support? Sleep training can be very emotional and draining and, if you lack confidence, the best of plans will fail. It really does help to have support whether it’s a spouse, friend, message board, or us, having someone you feel accountable to “check in” with can help keep you going. I have one client now who simply lacks the support at home, so we are her support, and happy to do it.

I hope this article has helped you decide whether you are ready to tackle the sometimes very emotional task of sleep training or has given you the “ok” to wait. Only you know what you live day in and day out. Trust your instincts and they will take you far.

If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

How did you know you were ready for sleep training?

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Do Stay-At-Home Parents Have It Easier With Their Baby’s Sleep?

Posted by on May 3rd, 2011 in Sleep Training

stay at home mom baby sleepA couple of weeks ago, I talked about Drs. Sears and Weissbluth in their online chat. There was an interesting comment about an elephant in the room when it comes to parents who stay home versus working parents and their sleep training or attachment parenting philosophies. I thought this deserved a proper discussion. After all, I don’t mind talking about elephants.

Truth be told, I never envisioned myself staying home with the kids. I have always loved kids and always imagined having kids. At parties where there were kids, I’d gravitate towards them, play games, and become their favorite adult at the party. I loved them and they loved me. Yet, I never imagined staying home full time with my own. Why, you ask?

Since a young age of 15 or 16 I got my first job at Baskin Robbins (an ice cream shop), became a manager quickly, then moved on to my first office job, then went to college, started my career, went to graduate school, and so on. As much as I always imagined myself as a mother, I also envisioned myself being one of the women who would shatter the glass ceiling. As my wisdom grew about both children and the corporate world, I changed my mind about that glass ceiling in that I found it hard to envision being a CEO of a Fortune 500 company and go to all the kids’ “soccer games” (or whatever event they would be interested in). I didn’t want to be that mom who was always absent or late and I didn’t want to miss out seeing the kids as much. Nowadays, I do see amazing women doing both. There are now family-friendly companies (and family-friendly companies in Canada), that must help, too. I guess I found my own way to be a CEO in this website. :)

Now that I am a mom, I can definitely understand why parents stay home. My husband calls me a “work-a-holic” yet says I’m more of a mom than a career woman. How can that be? I guess I do a good job of balancing work and home… at least I try to. Being a working mom I find it very difficult to get dinner on the table at a decent time, never mind make that dinner healthy. I find “What’s for dinner?” a simple, but extremely stressful question every day, every week. We can make big plans to make multiple meals on the weekend, but it rarely happens. The weekend is when we have soccer games, football games, fun at the zoo, etc. It’s much too busy to cook! We have to squeeze a lot into a little amount of time. So, then, it makes sense that maybe it’s harder for working parents. Or, is it?

It’s easy to say it’s harder for me being a working mom, but I’m not so sure. Come Monday, sometimes it feels like a break from having the kids 24×7 over the weekend! I start to wonder how stay-at-home moms (and dads) do it every day, day in and day out, without a weekend “off” like I have off from work. Sorta. Okay, not really, but it’s less work on the weekend and definitely a change of pace.

Do Stay-At-Home Parents Have It Easier With Their Baby’s Sleep?

Since I am able to talk to a lot of different people on a daily basis, I tend to see similarities in how a family approaches their baby’s sleep. If you are a stay-at-home mom, most of the time you are on your own at night, since your spouse/partner has to work. If you are a working mom, you do most of the work, but sometimes both parents seem to work together. There are exceptions, of course, but the majority of families seem to fall into one of these camps (I have not been contacted by enough stay-at-home dads to say one way or another in that family structure). If you stay home and have a working partner who gets up, count your blessings. If you are the working parent, kudos for you “getting it.” :)

As a working mom, it sort of rubs me the wrong way. If I am a working mom and can get up with the kids at night, why can’t the working partner, so the stay-at-home parent can get some sleep, too?

Here comes the elephant.

There seems to be this implication that if you stay home with the baby (or babies) that you don’t need to be as well-rested. Is it because you can take a nap (or two) every day with the baby? I am sure I have at-home parents who would laugh at that. I should say that I have never studied my client make-up, but I would estimate that I have just as many stay-at-home clients as I do working parents. And, I know why.

  • Just because you stay home with the kids does not mean you need less sleep.
  • Just because you stay home does not mean you don’t need to use your brain the next day.
  • Just because you stay home does not mean it is safe to drive your precious baby around in the car when you got less than two hours of sleep last night.
  • Just because you stay home doesn’t make you a better mom when you are exhausted.
  • Just because you stay home doesn’t mean you don’t get sick more often due to sleep deprivation.
  • Just because you stay home doesn’t give you more patience to deal with a not-sleeping baby.

I’m sure I can go on and on, but the point is that when you have a baby with sleep problems, it isn’t any easier to deal with if you are a working parent or a stay-at-home parent, in my opinion. I will say when I went back to work, it did feel a lot harder, but after months of sleep-deprivation, I’m sure a lot of people would feel just as exhausted as I did.

Cumulative sleep deprivation is hard on anyone physically, mentally, and emotionally. While I think it’s probably a common misconception that stay-at-home parents can take more time and have more patience with their baby’s sleep problems, I think this is more to do with a parent’s personality and the extent of the sleep problems than the parent’s working status. I have clients who are working parents and practice attachment parenting and I have at-home parents that do cry it out and everything in between. Your parenting philosophy is not dictated by whether you work or not and, certainly, your baby, whose temperament may or may not respond favorably to your philosophies, surely is not dictated by your working status.

But, enough about what I think. What do you think?

Do you think it’s easier for at-home parents to handle sleep problems?

Note: I know this topic can get very heated, so please be respectful.

For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about!

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Dr. Sears vs. Dr. Weissbluth in an Online Chat About Your Baby’s Sleep

Posted by on April 18th, 2011 in Sleep Training

About a month ago Drs. Sears and Weissbluth both participated in an online chat with Chicago Tribune’s health reporter, Julie Deardorff. I think back to a few key points raised in the chat that still surprise me how disconnected doctors can be to parents. Perhaps it’s because it’s been a long time since they’ve been parents to young babies. Or, perhaps being doctors tends to give you a more scientific approach rather than a practical one. Either way, there are a few key points this article is raising to educate new parents on the topic of baby sleep.

How much is sleep really a problem for young babies?

“Dr. Bob Sears: I don’t think most parents even need to be taught. Like most aspect of parenting, the choices we make regarding sleep can be just as instinctual. Most parents and babies DON’T have sleep problems at all. The thing is, we don’t hear from those parents. We only hear from those who do have problems. In my opinion, that’s actually the minority. I think most parents just naturally learn how to help their baby sleep well and how to get a good night sleep despite having a baby.”

One of the first things Dr. Bob Sears (son of the renowned Dr. William Sears) is that he claims that those with sleep issues are really the minority and that those without sleep problems are those who don’t say anything. Quite the contrary! It’s those without sleep problems I feel have the louder voice making those of us who have sleep problems feel like we are doing something wrong. I also believe that some parents claim their baby sleeps fine to feel better about their sleep situation or they are simply tired of talking about it. I was so tired of telling people my son wouldn’t sleep, because no one had advice that helped! “Keep him up later.”, “Don’t let him nap.” That was the worst advice EVER!

Dr. Sears, I have over 100,000 visitors to this site a month that say otherwise that their baby’s sleep IS a problem. Perhaps it is technically the minority, but it’s a large number of people! And, we are only starting to scratch the surface.

Dr Sears did go on to say later that some parents don’t necessarily have perfect sleep, but they see it as what they signed up for in being a parent. To a certain extent, I believe this to be true. Our expectations make a HUGE difference in how we approach solutions to our baby’s sleep problems. One nursing mom who expects to feed her baby twice a night past a year is very different than one who believes all babies can sleep through the night without feedings by 4 months old because some of the books or doctors told her how that’s how it should be. The point here is that if you have a certain set of expectations regarding your baby’s sleep, then those will most likely influence how you approach your baby’s sleep habits.

Will teething wake your baby every 2 hours to nurse?

Later on in the chat a mom of a 5-month old said her baby was waking 10 times a night to comfort nurse back to sleep and Dr. Sears said that it sounded like teething pain. Sigh. If you’ve gotten my free baby sleep guide, you know this is due to sleep associations, not teething. I must get this question five times a day! I don’t understand how a doctor can not know this! You can read Dr. Weissbluth’s son voicing frustration on the same topic here: Weissbluth’s problem with Dr. Bob Sears.

Can transitioning a baby from co-sleeping to crib be that easy?

A worried mom asks about transitioning her baby from co-sleeping to crib and Dr. Weissbluth tells her just to do it and “not to worry.” As new parents, we do nothing but worry! If only it was that easy, Doctor. Although Dr. Weissbluth’s advice I felt was informative and practical, some of his answers were brief. Of course, answers about sleep can quickly get lengthy, which is why this is a whole website about the topic and I summarize the information in my books to keep it manageable. I don’t agree with Weissbluth on all fronts as I find a 5:30 p.m. bedtime is neither practical nor always necessary (especially since even if your baby sleeps 12 hours, this means he is waking up before dawn). The truth is that the transition from co-sleeping to a crib is often a major event for both the parent and the child, and a topic I help parents with quite often.

Why do 8-month olds wake every hour all night long?

Even later in the chat, Dr. Sears advised a parent of an exhausted 8 month old with bags under his eyes that her baby may have Sensory Processing Disorder. I yelled at the screen at that one. Again, I get new clients EVERY DAY with babies who wake every 1-2 hours (roughly every sleep cycle) because they think they need “help” back to sleep. This is nothing out of the ordinary for those of us who have had sleep issues! It is quite extreme for a doctor to suggest that a child who isn’t sleeping may have a disorder without knowing the baby’s history, personality and other information, when waking every 1-2 hours is actually quite a normal claim, in my experience.

Will cry it out cause brain damage?

I was actually pretty shocked that Dr. Sears said mild cry it out was fine, but he was more concerned about “INTENSE WEEKS” of cry it out leading to increased levels of cortisol. I wonder what his definition of cry it out would be or whether 3-4 nights of 20 minutes is okay versus crying for an hour, for example. So many gray areas and I did agree with him on the slower transition from co-sleeping to crib. Good advice. I always wonder what he would tell a family where co-sleeping did not work for them and Pantley’s method didn’t work, either. Remember, you can still practice attachment parenting and sleep train.

Is 9 months too old to sleep train?

A mom was asking whether 9 months is too old for sleep training. Dr. Weissbluth in the chat compares junk sleep with junk food. He goes on to say that a little junk food is okay, but a lot is not. Similarly, your baby waking frequently at night is considered “junk sleep” and not as restorative. I will finish Dr. Weissbluth’s thought and say that it’s never too late to sleep train, just like it’s never too late to eat healthy. After all, Raymond Francis healed himself from a terminal illness with transforming his diet. Although I’m not about to switch to 100% raw foods, I have been dipping my toes into green smoothies and a bonus has been that my sons have been requesting them, which has increased their green vegetable intake tremendously! :) . Whether you have a 6 month old or a 4 year old, it’s never too late to teach healthy (sleep) habits!

Who’s right and who’s wrong?

Dr. Sears said this very well:

“Dr. Bob Sears: It’s NOT about who’s right and who’s wrong – it’s all about YOUR parenting choice.”

The Baby Sleep Site is here to help educate you on all the various methods so that you can make an informed decision, but not only that, it’s about what is RIGHT for YOUR baby and YOUR family. Your baby’s temperament is a huge factor in all of this. You can’t take your baby out of the decision process. Sometimes it’s not just a parenting choice, but adapting your parenting and philosophies to fit your baby’s needs. On a daily basis we will do things we never planned on doing prior to becoming parents. To quote Will Smith in Hitch, “That went differently in my head.” is something I say often.

For your persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a personalized sleep plan for YOUR family that you can feel good about!

Are you in the Sears or Weissbluth camp or have you made your own?

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Why Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution
Doesn’t Always Work

Posted by on April 11th, 2011 in Sleep Training

Pantley-No-Cry-Sleep-SolutionSometimes I hear from parents who have tried Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution and have not been able to get it to work. This article will discuss possible reasons why sometimes it doesn’t work for a variety of families.

First, let me say that Pantley’s book The No Cry Sleep Solution has a lot of good information in it in terms of how babies sleep and the most common sleep problems. As with most books about sleep, it is over 200 pages and has a lot of common sense information in it that you likely have already tried. As I strive to save you as much time as possible (new parents rarely have time to read multiple 200+ page books), I tend to try to extract the most useful information from a variety of sources in order for you to create your own personal sleep plan without reading 10 full-length books, millions of pages on the internet, etc. Today, I talk about one important piece that is missing from Pantley’s book and that is about your baby’s temperament and personality and why that leads to her methods not necessarily working for your baby.

Pantley does talk about one of the most common sleep associations which is “sucking to sleep” by either breastfeeding, pacifier, or bottle. I would say the majority of parents I work with on a daily basis have one of these issues. The remaining parents need to rock, pat, sway, bounce, or walk their baby to sleep. Some people have to do a combination: bounce on a ball while feeding with one leg up, for example. :) Pantley mostly focuses on the sucking to sleep association and, specifically, breastfeeding for the most part, as she is a big proponent of Attachment Parenting and co-sleeping.

In a nutshell, Pantley’s “Gentle Removal Plan” is to give your baby the pacifier, bottle or breast, but continually remove it until your baby finally falls asleep without it in his mouth. On the surface, this is good advice and for some babies, it will work…eventually. Let’s consider why it won’t work for some babies or take so long that you wonder whether your baby simply outgrew it.

Have you ever tried to break a long-term habit? Let’s face it, your baby may only be 6 months old, but if she’s been breastfeeding to sleep her whole life, this is a long-term habit. My mom has repeatedly tried to quit smoking. She just hasn’t been able to quit, unfortunately. Similarly, I’ve had friends who try to lose weight and they might lose some and then gain it back. I’m sure many of us can relate to breaking habits in one way or another.

One big thing about habits is that you can try to moderate yourself. You can try to smoke just one cigarette a day, for example, or allow yourself to eat one piece of cake a week, but what tends to spin us back into bad habits is that one leads to many. It isn’t that you are weak. It isn’t that you don’t want to change. Habits are hard to break and if you allow yourself one, you are giving yourself permission to say that it’s okay to “do” it. Therefore, it’s hard not to continue to do it. If something is not good for you and moderating yourself hasn’t worked, you have to tell yourself it’s never good for you and not allow yourself to have it even once. It’s in our nature to want more. That’s why some diet plans tell you to throw away all of your sweets, for example.

Wait, does this mean you should never give your baby a pacifier or breastfeed him?

No! I am not saying that at all. In fact, it makes me sad when moms wean from breastfeeding only to find their baby still won’t sleep well. :( But, I am saying, that when it comes to your baby’s sleep, you can’t “tease” your baby and give him the very thing you want him to stop waking ten times a night for. You can’t give it to him ten times at bedtime and expect him to “get” it that he doesn’t need it to sleep anymore. Granted, adaptable babies will often make quick changes that way, but this is where your baby’s temperament or personality come into play.

Some babies simply do not respond to Pantley’s method, because the only thing you are truly teaching him is that he does need to suck to relax and fall asleep. You are only delaying your baby’s sleep. Instead, you want to teach him how to relax AND sleep without the pacifier, breastfeeding, bottle, rocking, etc. You want to replace his sleep association with something else, not reinforce he still needs it. Going back to quitting smoking. My father, on the other hand, did quit smoking many years ago, but he replaced one habit for another. He now chews sugar free gum almost EVERY time he gets in the car, when he used to smoke. This has been over 10 years or more! (Side note: I am honored that what finally sparked my father to quit smoking is a paper I wrote when I was in High School. Who knew? :) ). When someone is trying to change their chips-before-bed habit, they might try replacing carrot sticks (since they are crunchy, too). The idea is not to deprive yourself or your baby from a habit, the idea is to replace it with something more in line with your long-term goal.

Does this mean not to try Pantley’s No-Cry method?

No, it means it’s just the first step and you still need to keep moving forward. While Pantley believes in “No Cry”, I tend to lean towards “Limited Crying” and believe that when you attempt to stick to no tears whatsoever, you will generally have little success unless your baby is so adaptable that she only needed you to stop helping her so much in the first place. Sometimes, crying during sleep training is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean you have to do cry it out, either. I really hope people stop making it so one or the other. If you view sleep coaching as a continuum with no-cry on one end and full blown cry-it-out at the other end, your goal is to find the method that fits with your baby’s temperament on that continuum, not force your baby to be something he’s not. Embrace his uniqueness and you will have more success than you’ve dreamed of.

For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a personalized sleep plan you can feel good about!

What is Your Pantley No Cry Sleep Solution Story?

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