Guest post by Emily-Jane Clark
Lie down in bed and close your eyes.
Get out of bed noisily in the hope of waking up your soundly sleeping partner.
Whisper ‘FFS’ several times before grabbing your dressing gown and stomping into the nursery.
Pick up baby and sing to her softly while mentally recalling the book ‘go the F*CK to sleep.’
Return to bed. Start to drift off to sleep.
Baby wakes up.
Shout ‘NOT AGAIN’ loudly, in an attempt to wake up soundly sleeping partner.
Employ the ‘If She Screams Really Loudly I Will Just Feed Her’ weaning technique until she falls asleep.
Return to your bed.
Fall asleep for half an hour.
Baby wakes up.
Shout ‘IT’S YOUR TURN” at soundly sleeping partner to guarantee he wakes up.
Partner goes into baby. Baby screams.
Ten minutes later storm into nursery and retrieve crying baby from partner while tutting.
Consider whether ‘Not Being Able To Get The Baby Back To Sleep’ is reasonable grounds for divorce.
Use a method popular with the sleep-deprived known as Get Your Baby To Sleep By Whatever Means Necessary.
Baby asleep, return to bed.
Sleep for forty minutes.
BABY AWAKE AGAIN.
Climb out of bed and stomp back in to nursery as LOUDLY as possibly.
It is now 4am. You are not singing a sodding lullaby at 4am. Try to fob baby off with Ewan the Sheep instead. She screams. Decide to put the woolly little fraud in the bin tomorrow. ‘Soothes your infant into a deep sleep.’ Rubbish.
Make angry shushing sounds while walking baby around the room like a demented zombie until she goes to sleep.
Return to bed and close your eyes.
BABY WAKES UP AGAIN.
She must be teething? Or hungry? Maybe she is eating her teeth?
It is almost morning! You are tired and on the verge of exhausted madness.
So you resort to the last trick in the book – the “Sod It, She Can Sleep In My Bed” method.
Emily-Jane Clark is a freelance journalist and creator of popular blog HOW TO SURVIVE A SLEEP THIEF. She is currently writing a book Sleep is for the Weak- a humorous survival guide for tired parents! Join her on Facebook or @stolensleep.