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No-Cry Sleep Training For Babies and Toddlers

no cry sleep training

Does the term “sleep training” conjure up images of wailing babies and agonized parents? If so, then I hope what I’m about to say next will help paint a different picture for you: sleep training does not have to involve hours of crying. Sleep training does not have to mean you listening to your baby wail because you’re not “allowed” to offer any comfort. Simply put, sleep training does not mean letting your baby cry it out.

So what does sleep training mean? Sleep training is merely the practice of helping your baby or toddler learn healthier sleep habits. And here’s the good news about that very simply definition – it does not specify HOW you teach your baby or toddler healthy sleep habits. The “how” of sleep training is up to you.

That means that if you want to use extremely gentle, low-cry or no-cry sleep training methods, you absolutely can sleep train your baby with minimal tears. And that’s good news for those of you who cannot stand the thought of extended crying!

No-Cry Sleep Training: An Overview

Now, I should include a caveat here: no-cry sleep training may not be possible for every family. While some babies and toddler with easygoing temperament may truly be able to get through the sleep training process without shedding a single tear, children who are intense and resistant to change will likely put up at least a little fuss when you try to change bedtime and nap time. That said, even if you can’t achieve true no-cry sleep training, you can certainly aim for very low-cry sleep training. 😉 And you can offer your child support and encouragement at every step in the process.

So what exactly does no-cry sleep training look like? Generally speaking, no-cry sleep training looks very similar to other methods of sleep training, with a few notable exceptions:

With no-cry sleep training, parents often stay in the room at the start of a sleep time (like bedtime or nap time), and for awhile after any night wakings. This allows mom or dad to provide plenty of comfort and support as baby works to fall back to sleep; it also helps to minimize or eliminate crying.
No-cry sleep training tends to progress more slowly than do other types of sleep training.
While adequate prep-work for sleep training is important for all families, regardless of the sleep training methods used, it’s especially critical for no-cry sleep training families, as adequate preparation can sometimes accomplish much of the “work” of sleep training with virtually no fussing on baby’s part!

No-Cry Sleep Training: Simple No-Cry Prep Work That Can Make a Big Difference

Speaking of adequate prep-work – let’s look at that a little more closely. When our consultants work with families, via our personalized sleep consulting program, they almost always recommend a few pre-sleep training steps. Why? Because sometimes, doing small things like adjusting bedtime or adding in one or two additional feedings can go a long way towards solving sleep challenges, which means less sleep training work for you and your child in the long-run.

Sounds pretty good, right? If you’re going to try a no-cry sleep training approach, then you will definitely want to put in plenty of prep-work before you jump in to sleep training. Specifically, try the following simple techniques and strategies before you plan to start sleep training. They’ll make your work much easier:

Strengthen the bedtime and nap time routines. Even if you already have solid routines in place, really reinforce the “routine” aspect – make sure your routines happen the same way, and roughly at the same time, each day. In addition, if you don’t already do this, try ending your routine the same way each night; this signals the end of the routine and the start of sleep for your child.
Make schedule changes as needed. Is bedtime too late? Gradually make it earlier. Does your child need 3 naps instead of just 2? Add that 3rd nap back into the mix. Use our age-based sample schedules, or our free schedule maker, as a model for what a good schedule should look like, and then spend a week or two working towards that.
Tweak the number and timing of feedings. Sounds simple, but it works – sometimes, adding in a feeding or snack, or changing the timing of a feeding, is enough to solve at least some of your child’s sleep issues.
Make your child’s room “sleepy”. Again – seems too easy, but it can really help! Get blackout blinds if your child’s room is too bright at nap time or bedtime. Start using white noise during naps and at night. Give it about two weeks for these changes to really sink in and take effect.
Schedule a visit to your child’s healthcare provider. This is crucial if you think your child may have a medical problem that’s contributing to sleep challenges, but even if that’s not the case, it can be a good idea to visit the doc before starting sleep training. This way, you can rule out factors like illness as a cause of sleep problems.

No-cry sleep training depends heavily on simple, gentle interventions like the ones listed above. You could spend several weeks just following the steps above, and you may very well see noticeable progress in your child’s sleep!

No-Cry Sleep Training: Methods

If the prep-work steps listed above don’t solve your sleep challenges, then it’s time to start using a no-cry or low-cry sleep training method. There are two that are pretty popular and tend to work well for families who want to minimize crying as much as possible.

The Hands-On Approach

Here’s how our hands-on approach works: when your baby begins to fuss at bedtime or nap time, or in the middle of the night, you pick your baby up to offer plenty of comfort and soothing. Then, when your baby is calm (and this is key), you put your baby back in bed drowsy but awake, so that she can practice falling asleep without your help. You continue doing this until your baby falls asleep.

Fading

With fading, you gradually fade out the “work” you do to put your child to sleep. For example, if you typically rock your child to sleep, you would fade out the rocking gradually, rocking a bit less each night until you are simply holding your child in your arms, with no movement. Fading is a very gentle and no-cry approach to weaning your child off his sleep associations.

Substitution

With substitution, you substitute in a different sleep association for your child’s preferred sleep association. Sounds counterintuitive, right? But trust us, it works! Let’s say, for example, that your child prefers to be nursed to sleep. Using substitution, you would substitute in a different method to put your child to sleep – like, say, rocking to sleep. That might seem odd – after all, isn’t this just teaching your child another sleep association? Well, yes – but that can work to your advantage! Once your child is falling asleep with a less-preferred sleep association (in our example, rocking), it will likely be faster and easier to gradually wean your child away from this new sleep association than it would have been to wean him away from the more preferred sleep association (in our example, nursing).

No-Cry Sleep Training Help That Works – Guaranteed!

No matter how you choose to approach your no-cry sleep training, rest assured that you CAN do it – you CAN teach your child a healthier way to sleep with minimal tears and fussing. But if you find you need help with this process, don’t worry – you’ve come to the right place! Connect with one of our expert consultants today; she’ll craft a Personalized Sleep Plan™ just for your baby, walk you through every step of no-cry sleep coaching and schedule-making, and provide detailed answers to your most pressing sleep training questions.

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Have any experience with no-cry sleep training? Share your tips below! Questions about no-cry sleep training? Ask – we’ll answer!

Why Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution
Doesn’t Always Work

By Nicole Johnson

Sometimes I hear from parents who have tried Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution and have not been able to get it to work. This article will discuss possible reasons why sometimes it doesn’t work for a variety of families.

First, let me say that Pantley’s book The No Cry Sleep Solution has a lot of good information in it in terms of how babies sleep and the most common sleep problems. As with most books about sleep, it is over 200 pages and has a lot of common sense information in it that you likely have already tried. As I strive to save you as much time as possible (new parents rarely have time to read multiple 200+ page books), I tend to try to extract the most useful information from a variety of sources in order for you to create your own personal sleep plan without reading 10 full-length books, millions of pages on the internet, etc. Today, I talk about one important piece that is missing from Pantley’s book and that is about your baby’s temperament and personality and why that leads to her methods not necessarily working for your baby.

Pantley does talk about one of the most common sleep associations which is “sucking to sleep” by either breastfeeding, pacifier, or bottle. I would say the majority of parents I work with on a daily basis have one of these issues. The remaining parents need to rock, pat, sway, bounce, or walk their baby to sleep. Some people have to do a combination: bounce on a ball while feeding with one leg up, for example. 🙂 Pantley mostly focuses on the sucking to sleep association and, specifically, breastfeeding for the most part, as she is a big proponent of Attachment Parenting and co-sleeping.

In a nutshell, Pantley’s “Gentle Removal Plan” is to give your baby the pacifier, bottle or breast, but continually remove it until your baby finally falls asleep without it in his mouth. On the surface, this is good advice and for some babies, it will work…eventually. Let’s consider why it won’t work for some babies or take so long that you wonder whether your baby simply outgrew it.

Have you ever tried to break a long-term habit? Let’s face it, your baby may only be 6 months old, but if she’s been breastfeeding to sleep her whole life, this is a long-term habit. My mom has repeatedly tried to quit smoking. She just hasn’t been able to quit, unfortunately. Similarly, I’ve had friends who try to lose weight and they might lose some and then gain it back. I’m sure many of us can relate to breaking habits in one way or another.

One big thing about habits is that you can try to moderate yourself. You can try to smoke just one cigarette a day, for example, or allow yourself to eat one piece of cake a week, but what tends to spin us back into bad habits is that one leads to many. It isn’t that you are weak. It isn’t that you don’t want to change. Habits are hard to break and if you allow yourself one, you are giving yourself permission to say that it’s okay to “do” it. Therefore, it’s hard not to continue to do it. If something is not good for you and moderating yourself hasn’t worked, you have to tell yourself it’s never good for you and not allow yourself to have it even once. It’s in our nature to want more. That’s why some diet plans tell you to throw away all of your sweets, for example.

Wait, does this mean you should never give your baby a pacifier or breastfeed him?

No! I am not saying that at all. In fact, it makes me sad when moms wean from breastfeeding only to find their baby still won’t sleep well. 🙁 But, I am saying, that when it comes to your baby’s sleep, you can’t “tease” your baby and give him the very thing you want him to stop waking ten times a night for. You can’t give it to him ten times at bedtime and expect him to “get” it that he doesn’t need it to sleep anymore. Granted, adaptable babies will often make quick changes that way, but this is where your baby’s temperament or personality come into play.

Some babies simply do not respond to Pantley’s method, because the only thing you are truly teaching him is that he does need to suck to relax and fall asleep. You are only delaying your baby’s sleep. Instead, you want to teach him how to relax AND sleep without the pacifier, breastfeeding, bottle, rocking, etc. You want to replace his sleep association with something else, not reinforce he still needs it. Going back to quitting smoking. My father, on the other hand, did quit smoking many years ago, but he replaced one habit for another. He now chews sugar free gum almost EVERY time he gets in the car, when he used to smoke. This has been over 10 years or more! (Side note: I am honored that what finally sparked my father to quit smoking is a paper I wrote when I was in High School. Who knew? :)). When someone is trying to change their chips-before-bed habit, they might try replacing carrot sticks (since they are crunchy, too). The idea is not to deprive yourself or your baby from a habit, the idea is to replace it with something more in line with your long-term goal.

Does this mean not to try Pantley’s No-Cry method?

No, it means it’s just the first step and you still need to keep moving forward. While Pantley believes in “No Cry”, I tend to lean towards “Limited Crying” and believe that when you attempt to stick to no tears whatsoever, you will generally have little success unless your baby is so adaptable that she only needed you to stop helping her so much in the first place. Sometimes, crying during sleep training is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean you have to do cry it out, either. I really hope people stop making it so one or the other. If you view sleep coaching as a continuum with no-cry on one end and full blown cry-it-out at the other end, your goal is to find the method that fits with your baby’s temperament on that continuum, not force your baby to be something he’s not. Embrace his uniqueness and you will have more success than you’ve dreamed of.

For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a personalized sleep plan you can feel good about!

What is Your Pantley No Cry Sleep Solution Story?

Will Your Baby Be Spoiled If You Don’t Sleep Train?

By Nicole Johnson

A client e-mailed me not too long ago concerned about what a co-worker told her about her baby. Her co-worker told her that if she didn’t sleep train and let her baby cry it out, her baby would grow up to be spoiled. She alluded to the fact that by the time he was 7 or 8 years old, he’d be “running the show.”

This particular client has experience with two very different cultures, one being in the West and one in the East. In the West (where she lives now) she feels tremendous pressure to let her baby cry it out. In the East, in her experience, this is unheard of and co-sleeping until the age of three is the norm. Of course, not everyone in each culture follows the norm and, given the number of clients I work with on a daily basis on no-cry methods, I would argue that there really is no “norm” in the West. I would say most parents try to limit crying. I’m not sure what parent likes to hear their baby cry, though.

Will your baby be spoiled if you don’t sleep train her?

I obviously feel passionately that sleep is very important that it needs a whole website focused around it, complete with a support system to help you through it, but honestly, this might be one of the more absurd things I’ve heard in a long time. I don’t mean to offend anyone who feels strongly about sleep training, but to put pressure on a parent to say that if you don’t sleep train a 6-month old he will be “running things” in a year, three years, or ten years is simply ridiculous! Does that mean I believe you should give up and NOT sleep train? Nope. Work on it, yes, but don’t make it your life’s mission or sacrifice your beliefs because you believe your baby will turn out to be a terror if you don’t.

Your 6-month old is not manipulating you. Your 8-month old twins are not conspiring to keep you awake at night (as much as it might feel that way). Your toddler is not planning his night-wakings to correspond with that work deadline the next day. (Note: If you are convinced your baby is conspiring, when you are ready for a good laugh, read Awake Training for Parents).

Our babies are simply not NOT sleeping on purpose. As much as my five year old says he doesn’t like to sleep, he still sleeps through the night every night (unless he has a nightmare). We successfully established healthy sleep habits when he was a baby and worked hard to do so, but by no means did I think if we hadn’t he’d be a spoiled brat. He just needed the sleep!

It makes more sense that there will be some non-sleep-trained babies that are spoiled and others who are not, just like there will be spoiled sleep trained babies and those who are not. Why? Because spoiled comes from what we do with our children day in and day out. It might be related to sleep, but it might not.

If, as a baby grows into a toddler, she is allowed to come into your bed every night, she can learn one of two things:

1. She can get whatever she wants OR
2. She can go to mommy and daddy whenever she needs them and feel secure

Which is it?

One of the keys to navigating this crazy thing called parenting is to learn your baby’s temperament. Children need limits in order to feel secure, but they also need confidence and to know they can go to their parents when they need them just the same. By far, I am not saying I am a perfect parent (oh how I wish I were!), but somehow I have made sure I have given my son the “ok” to come to me for a nightmare or when he loses his “blankie” when it falls down between the crack of the bed and wall, yet set enough limits to make sure he stays in his bed all night, if he doesn’t truly need me. It has not been a perfect road, nor a short road, and sometimes I feel like we never quite ever get off the road, but when I think back to the baby I once had, I know just how far he’s come. And, I would say he does have his “spoiled” moments, even though he is “sleep trained” and we are trying our best to teach him humility and appreciation, yet another parenting challenge that does not happen overnight.

If you need help establishing healthy sleep habits in your baby or toddler, please be sure to pick up your FREE copy of 5 (tear-free) Ways to Help Your Child Sleep Through the Night, our e-Book with tear-free tips to help your baby sleep better. For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3-Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep (babies) or The 5-Step System to Better Toddler Sleep (toddlers). Using a unique approach and practical tools for success, our e-books help you and your baby sleep through the night and nap better. For those looking for a more customized solution for your unique situation with support along the way, please consider one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultations, where you will receive a Personalized Sleep Plan™ you can feel good about! Sometimes it’s not that you can’t make a plan. Sometimes you’re just too tired to.

What do you think? Will babies be spoiled if you don’t sleep train?

How Sleep Training Progress Looks

By Nicole Johnson

When parents update me on their sleep training progress, sometimes it is a little frustrating for them if their baby has a good night one night, then a bad night and some back and forth. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about that in today’s post and why it happens. If nothing else, I know it helps to have realistic expectations while sleep training.

One of the biggest lessons I learned when I was struggling with my own son’s sleep problems is that when the books implied all of our problems would be gone by the third or fourth night, they lied. I don’t think it was intentional, but they must lump a small minority of babies into a group who may be taught to sleep and then sleep well for the rest of their childhood (gross exaggeration there). In my experience (personally and professionally), this is rarely true. I will say that a large majority will have great success (maybe not perfection) in 1-2 weeks.

For some babies, sleep training is a linear progression where each day is better than the last much like the baby going up the stairs in the picture here. Most of the time that might look like two really rough nights followed by an okay night, then the next night and most nights after those first three are decent. The baby may have an off night due to teething, illness, or sleep regression, but jump right back into the swing of things afterward. These babies are usually highly adaptable (some might use the term “easy”).

Many babies, in my experience, don’t generally improve in this way during or after sleep training. For these babies, the sleep training process is more like a roller coaster. You might start to go up, then come down, and then go through some twists and turns (especially during teething or after illness). Part of the thrill of a roller coaster is not knowing what’s coming next, but when you are sleep training, this leads to frustration and the feeling that you might be doing something wrong. You are likely sleep training a tortoise, rather than a hare.

So, why are some babies taking you for a ride on a roller coaster?

My mom has been a smoker for most of her adult life. She has tried to quit many times. My older brother even quit for a whole year and then one cigarette led to another and another. My father-in-law had triple by-pass surgery, but still can’t seem to give up yummy-too-rich-for-heart-problem foods. Have you ever tried to break a habit such as smoking, eating a whole bag of chips at a time, or biting your fingernails? Have you ever tried to develop a new habit such as exercise 3-4 times per week or floss every day?

Breaking habits take time, commitment, and consistency. Remember my brother who quit smoking? That one cigarette after a year led to many. Inconsistency can spin you way off track and lead you right back to the beginning.

Why can your friend break her habit before you break yours? You are different people, right? What drives us to break a habit is different for everyone and our ability to stick with it varies, too. Perhaps you aren’t as persistent as your friend or your daily stresses are too insurmountable. Whatever the case may be, you are different than your friend. Not better. Not worse. Just different. What one person must work at, others work double to achieve the same results (remember that friend who could eat a whole bag of chips and NOT gain weight? Grrr!). Ever try to lose the same ten pounds with a weight loss buddy and you take longer? It sucks, but you can feel doubly good when you achieve your goals.

Making new habits take the same time, commitment, and consistency. I used to be an avid worker-outer (yes that’s a word). Now, I am lucky to get on a treadmill once a week! My daily responsibilities have completely overwhelmed my daily schedule that I can’t seem to fit in the time consistently. I think to myself “I can find 30 minutes.” but then 30 minutes doesn’t include getting dressed, then showered afterward, telling the boys they can’t exercise with me, etc. All of a sudden, I don’t have an hour and I can’t work out anymore. I took steps to help me with this by getting some help at work! Yeah!

So, when you are sleep training your baby, please remember that they aren’t too different than you. No two babies are the same. None are better or worse, just different (believe me, they all have their own challenging aspects!).

Babies aren’t always happy about changing habits much like the person with a heart problem who has to stop eating red meat. Not all babies can learn a new habit in just two or three nights.

Babies might fall off the wagon a few weeks later and have a rough night.

All your baby asks is for you to be realistic. Don’t expect too much more from them as you expect from yourself in terms of breaking or making habits.

As I mentioned in another post 7 Tips When Hiring a Sleep Consultant, part of my job is to help you stick with your sleep plan just like a personal trainer helps you stick with your exercise regimen. If I can help you stick with it long enough, I believe many (not all) babies will make large strides in a relatively short amount of time. Just remember, your baby has had their habits for 4, 6, 12, 18, or 24+ months. They won’t just go away overnight for all babies. I wish we were all among those lucky few. If that were the case, I might not have this job, but I’d sure have super happy families! 🙂

Is/Was your sleep training progress like stairs or a roller coaster?

Knowing When You’re Done Sleep Training

By Nicole Johnson

Is it always clear when you are done sleep training? Not for everyone, unfortunately. Success in sleep training, like so many things in our lives, is on a continuum and what is success for you might not be for someone else. It also depends on your expectations and what your goal is from sleep training.

For some parents, sleep training is allowing their baby to fuss a few minutes and voila, they sleep 10-12 hours a night ~~ad nauseum~~ luckily for those parents. 😀 For other parents, it won’t be quite as smooth. They might take 2-3 weeks using a no-cry sleep training method and then have a baby who pleasantly sleeps 10-12 hours per night or parents might use cry it out and in 2-3 nights, they are also sleeping through the night.

Still, there are the few of us who don’t fall into either camp. We struggle on and off for the better part of ~~a year~~ ~~2 years~~ however much time it takes. We get on a path that starts to work and then baby gets sick. We start seeing some improvement and baby gets teeth. Our toddler has a language explosion, starts to walk, or begins to use his imagination and starts to have nightmares, and we fall back once again. We have a new baby and our 2 year old stops napping, but is a mess before bedtime. The setbacks can be numerous.

How do you know when you’re done?

For many, it will be obvious when you are done because you will be well-rested and, most importantly, so will your baby. You may have temporary setbacks, but your baby bounces back to normal quickly. But, what if you’ve done cry-it-out and your baby is still crying every night? What do you do? Does that mean it didn’t work?

As a general rule, if your baby fusses or cries lightly for 5-10 minutes, drifts off to sleep and you don’t hear a peep for 10-12 hours (or just for feedings and they go right back to sleep), you most likely just have a baby who unwinds a little before sleep. When my baby was in a good place, he would often unwind, not so much by crying, but almost moaning or humming himself to sleep. I think it’s possible that a stranger might think he was crying or fussing, but I knew him best and I know he wasn’t crying (we had plenty of experience to know the difference, unfortunately). He would sleep well at night (possibly with a feeding or two, depending on age) and there was a time that I’d go in too early in the morning where he’d be “talking” and would fuss at me for coming in too soon (I would have bet you a million dollars that wouldn’t happen!). Most importantly, he was very happy in the morning with a good night’s rest.

If your baby is crying hard for 10 minutes, then settles down, it’s still possible you are at a point that it’s going to be as good as it gets for the time being. We have been at this stage, too, unfortunately. We went through a time my son would cry hard for 5-10 minutes, we’d go in and re-settle him and he’d go right to sleep. It was a little frustrating, but fairly easy to deal with. Knowing him today, no doubt it was the same reason as now that he just didn’t want the day to end, even though he was exhausted.

If your baby is crying hard for over 10 minutes (I am generalizing — you know your baby best) and it’s been longer than a week of sleep training, most likely you have a lingering problem. In babies, this problem is probably over-tiredness and you need to bump bedtime EARLIER. Even after sleep training, my son would get over-tired and over-stimulated and cry and cry at bedtime some nights “for no reason”. He was fed, dry, etc. and was just T-I-R-E-D! It was very very frustrating. We couldn’t really soothe him all the way to sleep every time (though we’d go down that road, too) because that led to our 3 hour rocking marathons every. single. time. or worse, waking every so many hours for re-rocking / re-soothing. We were still basically at the best place we could be at the present time. We tried with everything we had to keep bedtime early enough. Even now, he will get cranky when he’s tired, but insists “I’m not tired!” and then promptly falls asleep 5 minutes later, literally.

For toddlers, crying at bedtime or resisting a bedtime could be over or under-tired, depending on the toddler’s schedule and temperament. Unfortunately, without knowing the specific details, it’s difficult to know which one it is. In general, if your toddler was going to bed fine and all of a sudden started fighting the routine, you might consider she needs longer wake-time before bedtime. If she recently transitioned naps, you might need to consider less.

There are many times you might have setbacks, but in general, if things haven’t improved in 2-3 weeks, regardless of the method (closer to 2 for crying methods and 3-4 for no-cry), you might want to re-evaluate your chosen method to get your baby or toddler to sleep.