Your Baby Won’t Sleep and It’s Your Fault!
Posted by Nicole on January 19th, 2010
A common theme when I read the first e-mail in a one-on-one consultation or when I first talk on the phone with a new client is that the parent feels somehow responsible for the fact their baby won’t sleep and the sleep trouble they’re in. Either they were first time parents and didn’t know what they were or weren’t “supposed” to do or they knew they weren’t supposed to do it, but didn’t know what else to do. The bottom line is their baby won’t sleep and they feel it’s their fault.
This is also a common theme in many of the sleep books out there, too. Many of them make you feel guilty for nursing your baby all the way to sleep or using a pacifier or co-sleeping or not co-sleeping. If you don’t do it their way, you are not a good parent or you have failed your baby.
I’m here to say that it IS your fault your baby won’t sleep. Here’s why:
When your baby was 3 days old, your baby won’t sleep any way but breastfeeding or with the bottle. You fed him to sleep every nap and night after that until you thought he’d outgrow it.
When your baby was a few weeks old, you decided to try a pacifier and that worked quite well, too, only now your baby won’t sleep without it and you might be running in every two hours to replace it. You started to wonder whether you should be feeding baby on a schedule or feeding her on demand.
When your baby was a couple of months old, sleep was fine, so you felt like super mom (or dad). Or, sleep wasn’t great, but you made do. Some of your friends might have started claiming their babies were sleeping through the night and you wondered when yours would too. You wonder why your baby won’t sleep through the night, too.
When your baby turned 4 months old, for many, sleep started to go downhill and you didn’t have the foggiest reason why. If you were lucky, you were starting to wonder what it would be like to sleep for more than 6 or 8 hours in a row again. If you were unlucky, 3 hours straight sounded pretty good. If your baby won’t sleep longer than one or two hours, you might have trouble functioning in the daytime.
When your baby was 6 months old, you might have started dreaming about what it would be like to be able to plan activities in the day. You might have dreamt about a baby’s schedule that was almost the same every day or you enjoyed going with the flow, throwing a strict schedule to the wind. You might have started to wonder if your baby’s naps would start to lengthen like other babies you heard about. Some days it feels like your baby won’t nap and won’t sleep through the night.
When your baby was 9 months old, you wondered if your baby still needed night feedings or not because your baby won’t sleep all night like your friend’s babies.
When your baby is now a toddler and hasn’t outgrown the sleep challenges you thought she would, you start to wonder if it is your fault. You realize you’ve helped some habits to remain habits, but haven’t been able to break them, no matter how many things you’ve tried and now that it’s been so long, is it really fair to just let her cry it out?
You see, all of these things are your fault. You became a loving mom who decided to breastfeed to sleep when your baby wouldn’t sleep any other way. You were a loving dad when you rocked your baby to sleep every night when she cried bloody murder any time you stopped. You replaced that pacifier ten times per night, so your baby could get the 12 hours of sleep you heard he needed every night. You sacrificed your sleep to help your baby get hers. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, that makes you a loving parent!
My advice today is to embrace the fact that it IS your fault! You are a loving parent. You did what you had to do to transition to parenthood or to tend to your older children when your baby won’t sleep no matter what you do. This is NOT a bad thing. We all do what it takes when we can barely see straight, trying to figure out how to even be a new mom or dad. We don’t want our babies to cry (or scream as some of us would have it) and we do what we can to make sure we have babies who will become well-adjusted young adults one day. We are afraid we will make a million mistakes (and we will), but there is no way to predict whether you will have a baby who will miraculously sleep all night at 8 weeks or will be rocked to sleep for 5 minutes every single night and sleep 12 hours straight. Did I know I’d end up rocking my son for 2-3 hours every night at bedtime and repeat it every 2 hours later (or nurse him to sleep)? Nope. I did what I felt was right and I don’t regret it for a second.
Nothing is a problem until it is a problem and only THEN do you need to decide to make a change. Only YOU know when that time is and when you have a problem. No one else in your life knows what you are going through every day, but you and your baby. You will know when it’s time.
So, from now on, when you start an e-mail to me or start a phone conversation, instead of saying something like you’ve failed as a mom or that you made a lot of mistakes, say something like this:
“Damn right I rocked and held my baby to sleep every night and I enjoyed the cuddle time! But, now it’s time to make a change.”
How is it your fault your baby won’t sleep (or wouldn’t sleep)?
Tags: baby sleep, baby wont sleep, my baby wont sleep, why wont baby sleep
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January 20th, 2010
I love this article, especially the end. I absolutely agree that we second guess ourselves way too much. Even though my 18 month old daughter does very well sleeping and napping right now, I still question whether she would do even better if I just did this or that differently, or didn’t do this or that at all. Thanks for the pep talk!
January 20th, 2010
I could just cry reading this! It is exactly what I needed to hear tonight, as I’m locked in the office, making my husband listen to our daughter’s cries over the monitor. I have been blessed with a very spirited little girl, who slips in and out of good sleep patterns. Just when everything is going right, she cuts a tooth, we have a visitor stay with us; etc, and it feels like we start right over. Though the crying is usually only 10 minutes or less, I long for the day when it is 0! It is heart-breaking as a mom to hear your baby cry, even if you know you are doing the right thing. Thanks for the encouraging words
January 21st, 2010
Thank you for this article. It brought tears to my eyes, it is so true! My 8 month old started sleeping through the night from 2 months. Just in the last month she has started waking for night feedings. I think she really is hungry but I wonder sometimes if she just wants to company? I sometimes nurse her to sleep. If she falls asleep while nursing I don’t wake her up but often she just finishes and then we just lay her down, she used to be asleep within 20 min, she would just talk to herself. Lately she has started crying when we lay her down and will take 45 min to fall asleep. It seems worse during the day for her naptimes. Thanks for the encouraging article.
January 22nd, 2010
I DID cry reading this (well I teared up anyway). This is what I needed to hear. I nursed my baby to sleep until she was 4 mo old when our pediatrician told us that not doing that and putting her in her crib awake would be the solution to her waking up. Well it worked… for ONE night. It’s now two weeks later and I’m lucky if I get 4 hrs before she’s up. I think my big mistake is I bring her back to bed with my husband and I at her early morning feeding (and she is hungry, she’s not just comforting) and let her sleep with us after. Well from there she’s up every hour or two wanting comforting. I should just put her back to bed after I feed her but with being back at work full time I miss her so much I enjoy the cuddle time… that is until the end of a work week when I’m barely conscious. Oh the dilemma… This weekend I’m going to try putting her back to bed after that first feeding… and see what happens. To get back to the point of my comment… thank you so much for the encouragement your website and articles bring… I appreciate it so much.
January 22nd, 2010
@Lisa Glad you loved the article. Thank you for commenting!
@Stephanie Awww! You’re welcome! I hope it’s going well with your daughter.
@Patti Being up for long periods of time at night could be a schedule problem. I’m glad you liked the article!
@Rachel You’re very welcome! I’m glad you loved the article so much. Good luck this weekend!
January 25th, 2010
Thank you so much for writing this! It’s exactly the encouragement I needed to hear tonight.
February 3rd, 2010
My beautiful angel naps like clockwork while she is at home with her Daddy, but wakes up at night every 3 hours or so and wants to be nursed, even if only for a moment. I love her so much and cherish these sweet quiet moments we have in the middle of night when everyone else is asleep. Whn she nestles in and looks at me for a second with those amazingly cute sleeply little eyes, those are moments I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life. Do I wish I got more than 3 or 4 hours sleep at a time…well, if means I would never have had these moments…no, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know one day my sweet baby and I will figure it out
March 5th, 2010
Thanks for this. My 10 month old son is a “busy businessman with a go go lifestyle” and will only sleep with me, preferably with a boob in his face. Last night was night one of “let’s make this work for everyone.” Worst night of my life. I’d take labour over that any day.
Thanks for the article – now if only I could get my mother to read it and agree!
March 15th, 2010
Thank you for this pep talk. It is very encouraging. I still wish it made some things easier. But in my house, it’s time to get some sleep for all of us. I would really settle for 6 hours of undisturbed sleep. Thanks again for all you do.
March 18th, 2010
Wow, this is a really awesome article, and I only wish I could’ve read it when my baby-girl was younger and I didn’t get enough sleep. But even now, it still touches me and I really believe many moms will be helped by it. Thanks for reminding me I was a good mom!
March 22nd, 2010
@Erin- So glad to hear this was such an encouraging post for you.
@Rhyneice- that’s so sweet. You are right. Some of those nighttime moments shouldn’t be traded for anything in the world. The day does come that we actually miss them!
@Sheena, Dawn & Ioana….It is definitely inspiring to know that as moms we are not alone in the sleep struggles we go through! Thanks for your comments.
April 6th, 2010
Oooh, this is a sensitive subject for me. My 1st child slept with us until he was almost 2, and COULD NOT fall asleep unless he was held/rocked/nursed. We tried crying it out once and it was pure torture (he screamed until he vomited). If you got him anywhere NEAR his crib, he would wake up and scream, no matter how deep of a sleep he was in.
My 2nd is 14 months and sleeps in her crib sporadically. Mostly she likes to nurse/snuggle with us.
I wasn’t quite sure where you were going with your article, but was relieved to see where you ended up. Thanks so much for the support!
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April 11th, 2010
i have a 3 yr old and a 10 month old….my 10 month old wont go to sleep until 6am…he only gets 2 naps a day that are 45 to an hour long…please help!!! how do i get him on a schedule..he gets up at about 1pm and still doesnt go to sleep until 6am!!!!! please help me!!! what should i do??
April 16th, 2010
Hi Denise,
We would need to know additional specific details of your situation to be able to you help. I would highly recommend that you consider Nicole’s sleep consultation services so that she can help craft a unique and specific plan that works for you and your family especially since you have two small ones to attend to. You can find more information here about those services: http://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
April 29th, 2010
Thank you, thank you, for this article. Nighttime sleep has been elusive for our little one for several months now and my husband and I are so tired. This article made me tear up and re-validates why we have choosen to nighttime parent the way that we do. I love your site. We are in the process of deciding what consultation service package will work best for us.
May 7th, 2010
Hi Leah,
So glad to hear you found this helpful!
July 7th, 2010
I don’t even remember how I came about your site, but this is exactly what I needed to hear. My son was born prematurely and had terrible reflux. On our first night home, our little four pound baby started choking on some spit up and it scared me to death. For the next two months, either my husband or I were awake with him 24 hours a day. We were too scared to lay him down to sleep. Connor is now 7 months and perfectly healthy. He sleeps well at night, but is a TERRIBLE napper. I feel like it is “my fault” because we got him used to sleeping in our arms. As a first time mom, I felt like a failure. Reading this article made me feel like I was just doing what I thought was best at the time. I know there are things I need to change and work on, but getting reassurance was just what the doctor ordered. Thank you!
July 8th, 2010
What a lovely article!
I have just rocked and fed my 4 month old daughter to sleep. She looks like an angel
)
Elspeth
http://www.elspeth.tumblr.com
Elspeth´s last blog ..Gardening
July 16th, 2010
Hi Julie,
Thank so much for sharing your story. Sounds like you have a lucky little guy there surrounded by much love and great parents.
July 23rd, 2010
I LOVE this article – because it describes how I feel. At 17 I took a baby psychology in class and we were taught the cry it out method – the popular way of “sleep training a baby” And our teacher (a mother of 3) made us rip out that chapter from a book. She didnt say why except – the reason people see psychologists in the first place – when you are a mother you understand.
Now as a mom of a 6 month old who constantly hears you are spoling that baby – or dont let her sleep on you – she wont sleep on her own, and blah blah blah – I let all the “SUGGESTIONS” go in one ear and out the other. I did what my instincts told me to do. Hug, kiss, love and spoil that baby. She sleeps in our room in her bassinet (we are easing her into her own room and crib) where she does well at naptime and knows its her room. She slept all night since she was about 3 months – noone believed me.
I rock her when I think she wants to cuddle, and let her fall asleep on her own when she starts dozing off.
When I was pregnant with her I always hummed a song to her, and recently I started to humm it again and she looks at me and smiles. Even when I call her when shes at grandmas and I humm it on the phone she has a loud laugh and noone knows why (its our little secret way of communicating I guess)
I know having her sleep in the crib in her own room at night – maybe a bit hard (more on me than her lol) but we are mommies, and those are our little angels – and I dont care how many books tell us otherwise – we know better – we have instincts and every child is different – dont let anyone put you down (and they will try to give suggestions) but its up to you to take it or not.
July 26th, 2010
Yes, Ania, you are exactly right. Moms should trust their instinct and every child IS different!