Your Baby Won’t Sleep – It’s Your Fault
Posted by Nicole on January 19th, 2010
A common theme when I read the first e-mail in a one-on-one consultation or when I first talk on the phone with a new client is that the parent feels somehow responsible for the sleep trouble they’re in. Either they were first time parents and didn’t know what they were or weren’t “supposed” to do or they knew they weren’t supposed to do it, but didn’t know what else to do.
This is also a common theme in many of the sleep books out there, too. Many of them make you feel guilty for nursing your baby all the way to sleep or using a pacifier or co-sleeping or not co-sleeping. If you don’t do it their way, you are not a good parent or you have failed your baby.
I’m here to say that it IS your fault your baby won’t sleep. Here’s why:
When your baby was 3 days old, your baby wouldn’t fall asleep any way but breastfeeding or with the bottle. You fed him to sleep every nap and night after that until you thought he’d outgrow it.
When your baby was a few weeks old, you decided to try a pacifier and that worked quite well, too. You started to wonder whether you should be feeding baby on a schedule or feeding her on demand.
When your baby was a couple of months old, sleep was fine, so you felt like super mom (or dad). Or, sleep wasn’t great, but you made do. Some of your friends might have started claiming their babies were sleeping through the night and you wondered when yours would too.
When your baby turned 4 months old, for many, sleep started to go downhill and you didn’t have the foggiest reason why. If you were lucky, you were starting to wonder what it would be like to sleep for more than 6 or 8 hours in a row again. If you were unlucky, 3 hours straight sounded pretty good.
When your baby was 6 months old, you might have started dreaming about what it would be like to be able to plan activities in the day. You might have dreamt about a baby’s schedule that was almost the same every day or you enjoyed going with the flow, throwing a strict schedule to the wind. You might have started to wonder if your baby’s naps would start to lengthen like other babies you heard about.
When your baby was 9 months old, you wondered if your baby still needed night feedings or not.
When your baby is now a toddler and hasn’t outgrown the sleep challenges you thought she would, you start to wonder if it is your fault. You realize you’ve helped some habits to remain habits, but haven’t been able to break them, no matter how many things you’ve tried and now that it’s been so long, is it really fair to just let her cry it out?
You see, all of these things are your fault. You became a loving mom who decided to breastfeed to sleep when your baby wouldn’t sleep any other way. You were a loving dad when you rocked your baby to sleep every night when she cried bloody murder any time you stopped. You replaced that pacifier ten times per night, so your baby could get the 12 hours of sleep you heard he needed every night. You sacrificed your sleep to help your baby get hers. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, that makes you a loving parent!
My advice today is to embrace the fact that it IS your fault! You are a loving parent. You did what you had to do to transition to parenthood or to tend to your older children when your newest baby wouldn’t sleep. This is NOT a bad thing. We all do what it takes when we can barely see straight, trying to figure out how to even be a new mom or dad. We don’t want our babies to cry (or scream as some of us would have it) and we do what we can to make sure we have babies who will become well-adjusted young adults one day. We are afraid we will make a million mistakes (and we will), but there is no way to predict whether you will have a baby who will miraculously sleep all night at 8 weeks or will be rocked to sleep for 5 minutes every single night and sleep 12 hours straight. Did I know I’d end up rocking my son for 2-3 hours every night at bedtime and repeat it every 2 hours later (or nurse him to sleep)? Nope. I did what I felt was right and I don’t regret it for a second.
Nothing is a problem until it is a problem and only THEN do you need to decide to make a change. Only YOU know when that time is and when you have a problem. No one else in your life knows what you are going through every day, but you and your baby. You will know when it’s time.
So, from now on, when you start an e-mail to me or start a phone conversation, instead of saying something like you’ve failed as a mom or that you made a lot of mistakes, say something like this:
“Damn right I rocked and held my baby to sleep every night and I enjoyed the cuddle time! But, now it’s time to make a change.”
How is it your fault your baby won’t sleep (or wouldn’t sleep)?
Tags: baby sleep, baby wont sleep, my baby wont sleep, why wont baby sleep
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January 20th, 2010
I love this article, especially the end. I absolutely agree that we second guess ourselves way too much. Even though my 18 month old daughter does very well sleeping and napping right now, I still question whether she would do even better if I just did this or that differently, or didn’t do this or that at all. Thanks for the pep talk!
January 20th, 2010
I could just cry reading this! It is exactly what I needed to hear tonight, as I’m locked in the office, making my husband listen to our daughter’s cries over the monitor. I have been blessed with a very spirited little girl, who slips in and out of good sleep patterns. Just when everything is going right, she cuts a tooth, we have a visitor stay with us; etc, and it feels like we start right over. Though the crying is usually only 10 minutes or less, I long for the day when it is 0! It is heart-breaking as a mom to hear your baby cry, even if you know you are doing the right thing. Thanks for the encouraging words
January 21st, 2010
Thank you for this article. It brought tears to my eyes, it is so true! My 8 month old started sleeping through the night from 2 months. Just in the last month she has started waking for night feedings. I think she really is hungry but I wonder sometimes if she just wants to company? I sometimes nurse her to sleep. If she falls asleep while nursing I don’t wake her up but often she just finishes and then we just lay her down, she used to be asleep within 20 min, she would just talk to herself. Lately she has started crying when we lay her down and will take 45 min to fall asleep. It seems worse during the day for her naptimes. Thanks for the encouraging article.
January 22nd, 2010
I DID cry reading this (well I teared up anyway). This is what I needed to hear. I nursed my baby to sleep until she was 4 mo old when our pediatrician told us that not doing that and putting her in her crib awake would be the solution to her waking up. Well it worked… for ONE night. It’s now two weeks later and I’m lucky if I get 4 hrs before she’s up. I think my big mistake is I bring her back to bed with my husband and I at her early morning feeding (and she is hungry, she’s not just comforting) and let her sleep with us after. Well from there she’s up every hour or two wanting comforting. I should just put her back to bed after I feed her but with being back at work full time I miss her so much I enjoy the cuddle time… that is until the end of a work week when I’m barely conscious. Oh the dilemma… This weekend I’m going to try putting her back to bed after that first feeding… and see what happens. To get back to the point of my comment… thank you so much for the encouragement your website and articles bring… I appreciate it so much.
January 22nd, 2010
@Lisa Glad you loved the article. Thank you for commenting!
@Stephanie Awww! You’re welcome! I hope it’s going well with your daughter.
@Patti Being up for long periods of time at night could be a schedule problem. I’m glad you liked the article!
@Rachel You’re very welcome! I’m glad you loved the article so much. Good luck this weekend!
January 25th, 2010
Thank you so much for writing this! It’s exactly the encouragement I needed to hear tonight.
February 3rd, 2010
My beautiful angel naps like clockwork while she is at home with her Daddy, but wakes up at night every 3 hours or so and wants to be nursed, even if only for a moment. I love her so much and cherish these sweet quiet moments we have in the middle of night when everyone else is asleep. Whn she nestles in and looks at me for a second with those amazingly cute sleeply little eyes, those are moments I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life. Do I wish I got more than 3 or 4 hours sleep at a time…well, if means I would never have had these moments…no, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I know one day my sweet baby and I will figure it out
March 5th, 2010
Thanks for this. My 10 month old son is a “busy businessman with a go go lifestyle” and will only sleep with me, preferably with a boob in his face. Last night was night one of “let’s make this work for everyone.” Worst night of my life. I’d take labour over that any day.
Thanks for the article – now if only I could get my mother to read it and agree!
March 15th, 2010
Thank you for this pep talk. It is very encouraging. I still wish it made some things easier. But in my house, it’s time to get some sleep for all of us. I would really settle for 6 hours of undisturbed sleep. Thanks again for all you do.