Posts Tagged ‘toddler sleep’

This topic “How long to cry it out?” has come up a few times in the last few weeks in one way or another, so I thought I’d talk about it this week. I always preface any discussion about cry it out by making sure that everyone understands that I’m not a “Cry It Out Pusher” and I’m very much NOT an extremist or a hard-core “sleep trainer”. I try to be realistic and just know that all babies are different and all family structures are different and what works for one won’t work for everyone. I even debated Pantley about this very topic, because while I think she has some good ideas, they simply will NOT work for all challenging baby types…at least in time before you go crazy from sleep exhaustion. I also don’t recommend cry it out for long-term co-sleepers, either.

If you are adamantly against cry it out, please do NOT do it! It probably won’t work and you’ll just feel bad about it. At all times in my sleep consultations, I work with parents on helping their baby sleep with as few tears as possible. Why? Because who wants their baby to cry? We all do what we can to limit our baby’s tears and as your sleep consultant, I understand that. My son’s sleep struggles are still very near and dear to my heart and I pretty much relive them every day in every consultation, so I very much remember where you probably are right now.

So, how long do you cry it out if you do choose that path?

First, make sure your baby is at an appropriate age for cry it out, he is no longer swaddled, and if you are feeding baby on a schedule that you have set a realistic schedule. One thing that I can’t emphasize enough is that my philosophy is that some parents might use cry it out to fix sleep problems, but please don’t make your baby go hungry if she still needs night feedings. One thing that really does make my skin crawl is hearing about letting a two month old cry throughout the night to avoid two feedings, which is hardly a “sleep problem.”

Another reason I recommend exhausting all other methods before trying cry it out is that you must be 100% committed to cry it out for it to really work. So, typically, I recommend that you feel like you’ve “tried everything” first. If you let your baby cry for a set length of time and then you “give in”, you have basically set a precedent and he will cry that long (or longer) next time (if there is a next time). Many babies respond well to non-crying methods (highly depends on your baby’s temperament) and only a small percentage of my clients really have to go full blown cry it out, so make sure you’ve truly given it your all on the other methods.

Once you 100% commit to cry it out, there really isn’t a length of time that you really stop, when you’re working on nights (though you want to limit nap time crying). The goal is for your baby to fall asleep without said sleep association and every parent will need to decide what is “too long.” I recommend deciding that before you start, if possible. Having a plan (do you visit or not, how long between visits, do you stay in the room, etc.) is of utmost importance so everyone is on the same page and will stick to it. Once you decide to stop said crutch, it can’t really be an option to change your mind, otherwise, you go backwards and might even make things worse.

Many people against cry it out will paint a picture that cry it out is cruel because a baby can’t communicate what she needs. This is true, to an extent, in that you can’t ignore all your baby’s cries and I would never recommend that. That’s irresponsible parenting. My argument is that if you give your baby a pacifier ten times per night and that’s all she “needs” then you know why she’s crying. Does that mean you give your baby everything just because she cries? Not to me. If it had, my son would not have sat in a car seat for his first year of life. Your baby only thinks she needs a pacifier to sleep because that’s all she’s known. It doesn’t mean she can’t learn a new way to sleep. Enter…the parent.

Down the line, after initial “sleep training” is over, does this mean you never go in to your baby at night? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! We all do pretty crazy things to get our baby to sleep, but when you’re ready to make a change, it’s important to commit to your plan of action. Whether you succeed in finding a no crying sleep method or try cry-it-out, babies are destined to change. Cry it out is NOT a cure-all and it doesn’t mean your baby won’t need you during an illness, when she’s getting new teeth, growth spurt, etc., so it doesn’t mean never go to your baby or use your instincts. It also doesn’t mean that cry it out “didn’t work.” because your baby needs you at night for something.

In my opinion, there is a right and wrong way to approach “sleep training”. If you’re doing cry-it-out, it might take you a few nights or a couple of weeks, but please expect things to pop up and change on you, because they will. Just remember, that cry it out won’t change your baby’s personality, there is no proof that cry it out is harmful, not even by Harvard, it’s not always clear when you’re done sleep training, and being a mom is an every day challenge.

How many days did cry it out take for you and your family?

This article will outline tips for limit setting with your toddler or preschooler. Although I will use sleep in some of the examples, the tips can be used outside of sleep, too. Because my first son is very persistent, I have had to learn early ways to set limits.

In general, the most important thing you can do is focus on the positive things your toddler or preschooler does. Always give positive reinforcement about what he is doing RIGHT to encourage repeat behavior. Sticker charts are good for positive reinforcement and very visual for both parents and the child. Some kids simply test more than others and it highly depends on personality and temperament. For those testing moments, here are 16 limit setting tips for your toddler or preschooler:

1. Focus on behavior, not the child

It is important when your toddler misbehaves that you focus on what they did, not them as a person. You don’t want to cause self-esteem issues. Avoid saying things like “No one likes you when you cry,” for example. For me, it’s also important for my son to know it’s ok how he feels (like when he gets angry), but it’s not ok what he might do with that feeling (hit).

2. Be direct and specific

Don’t be too general in your instructions. If your toddler is known to stall, you might tell him “I want you to put all your toys away in the box before we play that last game of Chutes & Ladders before bed. If the timer goes off and you aren’t done, we won’t play the game tonight.”

3. Use your normal voice

Being firm does not mean you have to yell. Being firm is not being mean. Being firm means you are in control of the situation and confident in your decision, so use your normal voice and lead by example.

4. Tell him the consequences

If your child is strong-willed, like mine, it is very effective to state consequences before he has a chance to disobey. It takes practice, but works very well once you master it. You can use the same example as above. Another example might be “If you get out of bed tonight after bedtime, I am going to close the door for a few minutes. If you want the door open, you must stay in bed.”

5. Make sure he understands

Make sure he understands your instructions and consequences. We always ask our son “Do you understand?” to make sure he has digested what we said to him.

6. Don’t argue

If your toddler or preschooler pushes back and challenges you, it’s easy to get sucked into an argument about it. You explain yourself, she challenges back and it repeats over and over again. At some point, you need to just stop. You are the parent, she is the child. I do give my son an explanation such as “No, you can’t do that because it’s dangerous and it’s mommy’s job to keep you safe,” but then after that if he is still trying to argue about it, I will say something like “No, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” I don’t make a practice of ignoring my children, but I will ignore continuous pleas for something once my decision is final.

7. Limit choices

It is easy to overwhelm children with choices, so it’s best to limit them. For example, “Do you want to brush your teeth first or put on your pajamas?” They like control and it gives them a sense of control to give them a choice, either option is fine with you. Another example is when they are doing something you don’t want them to like using a crayon on the wall: “You can keep your coloring on paper or I will put the crayons away.”

8. Use a timer

If your toddler or preschooler stalls, use a timer and tell her what the consequence is if the timer goes off before she does the thing you are asking her to do. This will especially help if your child is easily distracted or perceptive. This is especially helpful if your bedtime routine has gotten to be way too long. In that case, a timer can do well, as long as your schedule is set properly. Sometimes too much resisting at bedtime is due to a too-early bedtime once your toddler or preschooler is older.

9. Hold Firm

It is tempting to “give in” to whatever your child wanted if they promise not to do it again, however, they are testing you and if you then give them the privilege they lost, you lose ground. Instead, use it as a teaching moment that you mean your consequence by saying “That is a good choice for next time, but this time sticks.”

10. Allow cool-off time

Everyone gets angry and emotions flare, including the parents, especially if one or all of you are intense Sometimes it’s best for everyone to take a cool-off time out and then address the situation at a later time.

11. Don’t be afraid to apologize

Sometimes even we lose our tempers and might yell or do something that goes against the very thing we are trying to teach our children. Don’t be afraid to be human and normal (we all make mistakes) and apologize. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay or you give in to what they wanted.

12. Don’t think it’s you

Some parents might have the tendency to take things personally and think your child is doing something TO you or getting back at you, but it’s their job to test and figure out how the world works. It’s nothing against you.

13. Immediate Consequences

For most misbehavior, it is best to have immediate consequences. As soon as that toy is thrown, it gets put away. If your toddler gets out of bed at bedtime, you might close the door (assuming he wants it open) for 2-3 minutes each time he does it, as a consequence.

14. Be Consistent

Consistency is key. You see that everywhere. But, it’s true!! When your toddler is testing you over and over again, it must be met with the same answer every time. It’s with inconsistency that more testing happens and problems linger.

15. Relate consequences

If possible, relate consequences to the action. A toy is thrown, that toy gets put away. If he makes a mess, he cleans it up. A child hits, remove them from the situation. It is not always possible to relate the consequences and for us, sometimes it’s been more effective to find out our son’s “currency” at the time. He could care less about money at this age, but he loves his matchbox cars, so if he is having trouble “being a good listener” then we might say that his cars will go on time-out. This has been more effective than he going in time-out many times. Tips for implementing time-out is a whole other article, so I won’t get into that here.

16. Don’t harp

Once your child has “paid the price”, tell him a brief summary about what happened, why the consequence happened, and then let it go. He has already paid his due. We say something like “You got a time-out for talking back.” and we ask him to apologize and then we hug and off we go.

Limit Setting Reading

For more reading, by far the most useful books I’ve read on the subject have been Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child and 1-2-3 Magic. I’ve read at least 3-4 books on the subject of discipline. For less strong-willed children, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is also a good one.

It’s not easy having a persistent son, but I try to look at the positive and know that there are many good reasons to be persistent and strong-willed. Doctors don’t become doctors without being persistent. I’m sure Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, or Angelina Jolie were told no a few times before they got their first break, too. It will be our job, as parents, to direct their persistence in a positive way.

Share your limit setting tips

Many parents with babies who are troubled sleepers figure the baby will outgrow the issue. Some do, but many simply don’t. If your 4 month old is waking up a lot at night, you might think it’s normal. But, when she is 12 months, 18 months or 2 years old and now a toddler, you’re wondering just when she might outgrow this night waking problem or if she will at all.

There are a number of reasons why toddlers wake up at night. This article will outline a few main reasons:

Night Waking by Sleep Association

The same way your 4, 6, or 8 month old can struggle with sleeping all night, so can toddlers, if they don’t know how to get back to sleep without your “help”. I say “help” because all of our good intentions to help our babies and toddlers to sleep sometimes isn’t help at all and it only continues the night waking longer than necessary. Of course, I don’t fault anyone. I fell into the same trap. I didn’t know how complicated sleep could be until I had my first son!

The place we fall asleep and how we fall asleep is important. If you fall asleep on your bed and wake up at 2am and you’re on the couch, you would be disoriented and wonder how you got there. If you fell asleep on a pillow and you wake up at midnight without your pillow, you might have trouble going back to sleep without looking for it. Very often we become our baby or toddler’s “pillow”. Therefore, it’s important to have good routines that set the stage for sleep, but when it comes down to that moment when your toddler falls asleep, it needs to be in the same environment he will wake up in periodically throughout the night. This is highly related to his personality and temperament. Some children can be rocked to sleep at bedtime and wake up 12 hours later while others will need to be rocked and re-rocked every hour or two. The key is to break the sleep associations, if they are a problem.

Night waking due to the “Too long in bed problem”

I read about the “too long in bed problem” in Ferber’s book and has been so right on in numerous situations I’ve come across.

The gist of this problem is your toddler is in bed more hours than he can physically sleep and it causes schedule problems. This problem can show itself in different ways. Your toddler might take too long to fall asleep at night, wake too early in the morning, be up for long periods at night or a combination of the three. Waking too early or going to bed too late can usually be fixed by simply shifting his schedule.

When your toddler is up for a long period at night, the trick is to know what the cause is. If she doesn’t have a sleep association problem as described above, she gets a good amount of sleep for her age (e.g. 2 year olds need 11-13 hours in 24 hours, including their nap) and especially if she used to sleep well and now she’s up for 1-2 hours in the middle of the night, you can pretty much guess this is the issue. A toddler with this problem will genuinely not be able to physically sleep, no matter how hard she tries. No amount of cry it out or taking away toys or anything will help.

If your toddler has this problem, usually the best course of action is to make bedtime later. This is very backwards from almost any other situation I talk about on this site where an earlier bedtime will help, but in this case, it’s true. Even if your toddler goes right to sleep at bedtime, making bedtime later can help this problem. Another key is not to let her “sleep in” the next day, which is sooo hard because look at all the sleep she lost last night! The goal is to keep her in bed for as long as she can sleep, including her nap(s), and no more.

I personally went through this twice before, the most recent earlier this year with my older son, who was 3 at the time. He had been sleeping so well and all of a sudden he started coming into our room at night. At first it was just once or twice a week and no, it was not nightmares. He would not be scared or anything. Then, it started happening every single night. He kept saying “I’m not tired” but being the sleep fighter he is, I did not really believe him. We’d take him back to his room and he’d want his music on and sometimes we’d need to turn it on again if the CD finished after 45 minutes. He started staying up 1-2 hours almost every night and we were becoming our old exhausted selves.

Sometimes it’s hard to see your own problems, which is why I help others so well because sometimes you need an outside party to take a look. In my case, I didn’t really have anyone but to reread my Ferber book. His explanation of first, “the afternoon dip” and the “too long in bed problem” was DEAD ON! It hadn’t dawned on me that my son’s bedtime was too early. I mean he wasn’t napping anymore and staying up 12 hours straight already! And, he’d seem so tired at dinner (but that was just his afternoon dip we all have). But, sure enough within 3 nights of moving his bedtime 1 to 1 1/2 hours later (from 7:15 to 8:30 to 9pm — yes he is a night owl!) he stopped waking up at night! Well, he does have a night waking occasionally if he does have that bad dream, but mostly he sleeps straight through, again.

Teething

Unfortunately, teething night wakings don’t go away for everyone until both the one-year and the two-year molars come in. My first son just had molars one day without too much upheaval, but my second son, wow! His one-year molars took MONTHS to come in. Fortunately, his rough sleep nights were only here and there with his worst being just over a week ago when he was also sick with Roseola. See my article about teething for more information.

Developmental Night Waking

When your baby was less than a year old, you had teething and learning to crawl and all sorts of fun things to keep him awake at night. Well, your toddler may have some night waking due to developmental milestones, too. The biggest one is learning to talk and the language explosion she will have around 18 months old (my son did not have his until closer to 22 months). Some toddlers could be sensitive to other developmental milestones, but if they don’t have sleep associations, the night waking is usually minimal during these.

Nightmares

Soon, I will be writing a whole series on nightmares and night terrors, so I won’t go into too much detail here, but nightmares obviously can wake up toddlers. After their imagination starts to really blossom, they become more aware of the world, develop reasoning skills, and start to put together that we are mortal (i.e. we can die), things start to scare them. Also, disruptions or stress at home can cause nightmares too. The main thing to do is try to talk to him during the day about what might be scaring him and also make him feel safe and secure in his room and bed. This nightlight really helped my son feel more comfortable. He didn’t have any nightlight until around 2 or 2 1/2 years old after he transitioned to a toddler bed when we were pregnant with #2. I did have to cover it up 85% with a washcloth because it was too bright. LOL!

All situations are unique and there could be other causes of night wakings, but these are the main reasons. Typically, once they are toddlers, they don’t need any feedings in most cases. If you need help on dealing with your toddler night waking, please contact me. I’d love to help!

How is your toddler sleeping?

When it comes to encouraging a toddler or preschooler to do something you want them to do (like stay in bed during the transition to a “big boy/girl bed”), some will find a sticker chart as a good positive reinforcement tool. Rather than jump to punitive methods such as timeout or taking away privileges, using positive reinforcement to encourage behavior can be much more effective.

Your child’s temperament and personality will be a factor in how effective a sticker chart is. The use of a sticker chart takes a certain level of understanding and self-control on your child’s part, though, and that age will vary. There is a difference between knowing what he shouldn’t do and being able to control the impulse that “makes” him do something he can’t do. This is the primary reason that in the 2 to 4 year age range, most methods won’t ever work the first time for persistent children. While you might think your 4 month old (or 6 or 10 month old) is strong-willed now, by the time he reaches the age where he begins to try to become more independent, it can be very difficult to encourage the right behavior. A sticker chart is a good way to teach kids about cause and effect and rewards for hard work (After all, it’s hard work to control your impulses! Adults have trouble with that!).

Sticker Chart Tips

1. A sticker chart does not need to be fancy. You can start with a simple piece of colored construction paper and write “Jane’s Sleep Chart” or “Michael’s Good Job Chart” or that sort of thing. You can have your child help make it by coloring with crayons and other decorations.

2. Think about what is important to your child. Every child will have a “currency”. I don’t mean money. Your child might be into dinosaurs or dolls or M&M’s or TV or a special game with just mommy or daddy. All parents will have a different philosophy. Some won’t want to use food as a reward and others don’t allow TV. This “currency” will be unique to you and your child. When we were potty training my first son, we used Matchbox cars as an incentive when he had trouble pooping on the potty and it worked well. Those cars were VERY important to him and he rarely wanted to share them because he did work very hard for them, but we potty trained in 2 months (pee within a week, but poop took some time) and he was potty trained before the age of 3.

3. Try to keep the rules simple enough for your child to understand. Children will vary when they can understand the concept of the sticker chart rules. Some will be able to understand at 2 and others not until 3 or even 4. They all develop differently so this isn’t a reflection on intelligence. Also, your child may be able to understand the chart, but can care less about it until you either find the right “currency” or he gets a little older.

4. Decide how many stickers she needs to win a special “prize”. For particularly difficult problems, you might have to start with an instant gratification and work your way up to using stickers, but if you are using stickers you’d choose a number of stickers they must earn before they get a prize. For example, if you are trying to keep a child in bed all night, you might start with bedtime and tell them that every time he stays in bed at bedtime, he gets a sticker and after 2 (or 3 or 4 or 5) stickers, he will get the prize (his “currency” from #2).

5. Be consistent! You can’t make rules and then change them. I also don’t believe that you should ever take stickers away. She earned them fair and square. If you earn a paycheck at work and make an error at your job, they don’t take away your pay (usually), so once she earns something, she should be able to keep it. It is tempting when she is misbehaving that you take some away, but this will sabotage your efforts. If she feels like they can be taken away, she will stop wanting to earn them. Imagine if you felt your paycheck could be taken away on a whim, you’d likely stop wanting to do any work for fear you’d do it for nothing.

6. Put the sticker chart where he can see it. You want to reinforce the idea of the chart and if he can’t see it, he won’t think about it. When we were working on a sleep problem (because, for us, they never go away 100% for son #1), we put his sleep chart taped on his bedroom door.

7. Involve your child in putting the stickers on the chart. You must involve your child as much as possible in the entire process. If you just announce there is a chart, explain the rules, put the chart in a drawer and you’re the one to put the stickers on, she won’t find the chart fun whatsoever. You have to be energetic and excited in creating the chart, involve her in the decorations and make it exciting. Let her have some control (toddlers looooove control) by putting the sticker on the chart herself. It doesn’t matter if the sticker is on crooked or in the “wrong” place.

8. Make sure it’s clear when she has earned a prize. You can put circles where the stickers will go and a star at the end of a row, so she knows when she gets to the end of each row. This is important, especially if he can’t count yet. Another alternative is you can make a small chart (think a piece of paper the size of a book) and once he gets his 5 stickers and his prize, you make a new chart.

9. Praise, praise, praise! Keep your excitement up when your child does well and praise often. They generally want to please you. Praise behavior you like, ignore behavior you don’t (unless it warrants time-out such as hitting or another “serious” offense — I highly recommend Hands Are Not for Hitting for hitting).

10. Slowly transition away from the chart. Once your child’s behavior has been consistently the way you want, you’ll want to slowly transition away from the chart (well, if she conveniently forgets about it, I’d just go for it!). You can play up the fact she is getting to be such a big girl and now she needs 7 stickers (or however many) to get the prize or change the prize or change the rules in some way that make sense and keeps her excited.

What are your tips for implementing a sticker chart?

With the holidays upon us, many parents wonder and worry about their baby or toddler’s sleep, particularly during visits from family or holiday traveling. Here are several things to keep in mind for this holiday season.

Visitors | Travel

Baby Sleep and Traveling

First and foremost, the holidays and traveling, in general, is a time to have fun and enjoy yourselves! So, try not to worry too much about baby sleep and schedules when you are supposed to be relaxing and having fun. I do have some tips to make things easier, though, especially if you have a baby or toddler who gets very cranky without adequate sleep.

• Before you travel, make sure you have a well-established nap and bedtime routine. This will make it easier, when you are traveling, to have your baby or toddler know what to expect, even though they are not at home.

• You might consider adding a specific baby sleep CD to your routines now, before you travel, so that you can play it at your location, and your baby will associate it with sleep, even when you aren’t at home.

• Consider introducing a baby lovey before your trip for added comfort in a “foreign” place. A simple baby blanket or baby pillow are nice choices. You may be interested in learning when your baby can use a pillow. If you have a newborn, you can try to swaddle your baby for added comfort and check out my other newborn sleep tips.

• Depending on the age of your baby, you may want to sleep on a receiving blanket so it smells like you and give it to your baby when she sleeps. Your scent will help her feel you near, even if you are in another room.

• If you are traveling time zones, try to get onto the normal clock schedule as soon as you can, within reason. If you are traveling too late at night, allow one day of sleeping in and off-schedule naps, but then try to get back on schedule the following day. If you travel early enough, stick to the regular schedule right away for an easier transition across time zones and battling jet lag.

• Stick to schedule as much as you can without sacrificing fun on your trip, but once you get back home, try to get back to your normal rules as quickly as you can for a smoother and faster transition back home. Otherwise, parents often complain that several weeks later they are still feeling the effects of their traveling. If your baby has trouble getting back on schedule after a week or two, you might consider shifting schedules.

• Make sure you have a good place for your baby or toddler to sleep. Here are several good options for travel cribs and co-sleepers: Graco Travel Lite Crib with Bassinet or Infantino Travel Bed. If you have a toddler, you may want to get a portable child bed or if you have a bed at your travel location, you may want to purchase a portable bed rail.

• If you are sleep training, you will likely need to abandon your efforts until you get back home. Consistency is key and with schedules being out of whack and being in a different place, you won’t likely have a lot of success. If you’ve already sleep trained (or will by the time you travel), things might not be perfect during your travels, but once you get back it usually only takes a few days to get back to normal (provided you go back to your “sleep rules”).

Baby Sleep and Holiday Visitors

The most difficult part of holiday visitors is that everyone wants the babies or young children to stay up when they should be sleeping, so they can visit with them. This is especially true of those traveling far distances. I do not have profound advice for tackling this, except that it is YOU that will need to deal with the aftermath.

For those who have children who do not get cranky, this will probably be a non-issue and you can be as flexible as you want to be. But, for those of us who have kids that get very cranky, we might not be able to be that flexible. For me, when my eldest son (the one this website was inspired by) got off schedule even once or just a little bit, it took us a week or more to get back on track. I am not exaggerating! So, we had to really decide which events were worthy of getting him off track. Here are a few simple tips:

• Explain to your visitors that you understand how limited their time is with your child, but that his sleep needs have to be a priority because of his behavior, happiness, and well-being.

• Try to involve visitors like grandma and grandpa in the nap or bedtime routines. If your kids are like my son, this might not be as easy as it sounds. My older son just loooves mommy to read his books or tell him stories and often does not appreciate the concept that I’m always here, but grandma isn’t. My other son, who is just 9 months old, has stranger anxiety. But, I do the best I can, even if I have to be in the room while grandma reads to one of them.

• Try to plan ahead by having visitors come over after at least the first nap because typically that’s the most important. That way, if the rest of the day doesn’t go exactly as planned, she might not be as overtired, at least.

Whether you are traveling for the holidays or staying home and expecting visitors, I hope this article can help you get through them with as little tears as possible (yours and your kids).

Do you have any tips to share? Any questions I can answer?

I am now offering a pamphlet on shifting your baby or toddler’s schedule. This is designed for those parents who have already mastered most of their child’s sleep problems, but their baby or toddler is simply waking too early in the morning or going to bed too late at night. Your child is getting all the sleep he needs, but the schedule does not seem to fit in with the family. I recommend only attempting a schedule shift once your baby or toddler is already sleeping fairly well and he is old enough to withstand some over-tiredness without too much trouble. For babies very sensitive to becoming overtired this might not be until 8 or 9 months old. For those not very sensitive to over-tiredness, this can be as soon as 6 months old. Toddlers are usually ready and should be no problem to shift.

Learn more about the Shift Your Child’s Schedule pamphlet, now!

Introducing a lovey to your baby or toddler can sometimes help him feel cozy and secure in his crib or bed. The lovey should ideally not be larger than his head nor have things that can fall off that he can choke on (such as eyes on a stuffed animal). A small baby blanket is a wonderful choice. My son took to sucking on his blanket for a few months (never took a pacifier or sucked his thumb, so I was lucky there were no habits to break in that regard).

Baby Lovey Introduction

To introduce the lovey to your baby, simply start holding it during your bedtime and nap routines, particularly if you are nursing. Hold it close to your child and he will start to associate it with comfort while you are soothing him down for sleep.

Some people are worried their child will be carrying around a ratty blanket for years to come. You can make it a rule the lovey remains in your baby’s room / crib and only use it for sleep. I did this and it worked very well and we never had a problem.

Note: To guard against the risk of SIDS, you need to be careful about how early you introduce a lovey / blanket. Please read the 10 ways to reduce the risk of SIDS.

When you feel comfortable, you can place the lovey in the crib or bed with your baby or toddler and she will be able to seek comfort in the lovey during nighttime arousals or through sleep cycles.

Baby Lovey Backup

Word to the wise. You will need to clean the lovey and there is always the potential of loss (through wear and tear or just leaving it somewhere), so you may want to buy a “double” (or triple) that you can rotate, so your child will never notice if something should happen to the lovey.

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I happened upon an article where a woman (and husband) was against cry-it-out and specifically, The Ferber Method, but ended up doing it anyway, because it was what worked. In that article, Confessions of a Ferberizer, she said that, in the end, her son stopped wanting to be rocked or cuddle. She did not seem to regret doing cry-it-out, I don’t think, but reading the article reminded me that many of us wonder whether doing cry-it-out will change our child’s personality, so I thought I’d reflect on that today.

Will Cry-It-Out Change Your Child’s Personality?

In some ways, it might, and some ways it won’t and of course, all babies are different. And, if your child’s personality changes, it could be for the better. I do stand by the fact that I do not choose one method of sleep training over another. I truly believe that everyone must find what works for their family. For help finding the right solution for your family, check out my sleep training series. What works for your family will take into account your baby’s temperament, your temperament, your philosophy and both of your personalities.

Let’s look at a baby who is sensitive to being overtired and is chronically sleep-deprived because he is waking up every 1-2 hours all night long and only napping in 20 minute stretches. He might be very whiny and clingy all day long because HE IS TIRED! Let’s assume that mom is adamantly against crying methods, but has not yet found a no-cry method that has worked for her and her baby. Now, let’s assume she reluctantly uses The Ferber Method and her son begins to get enough sleep and is well-rested. It’s possible likely that her once fussy and clingy little boy is now happy!! This would be a “personality change” for the better. It is very common for a baby who is sleep deprived and fussy, to start being a very happy baby after he starts getting more rest, regardless of the sleep training method you choose.

So, what about the other way around? You have a baby that actually takes his sleep deprivation in stride and is, overall, a fairly happy baby. He just doesn’t sleep much. I don’t have to remind you that sleep problems can lead to obesity, depression, behavior problems, or that there are a variety of other reasons to get your child enough sleep. What might cry-it-out do to this baby?

Depending on his temperament, it can go one of two ways. The first way is that he is so easy-going that he cries for 5 minutes and sleeps all night like some books want you to believe will happen to your child. I do know that there ARE really babies like this! It isn’t a myth. My eldest son just wasn’t that way, that’s for sure! I don’t think anyone would say that 5 minutes of crying would do harm to any child. After all, you can be in the bathroom for 5 minutes.

The second type of baby does not have such an easy-going temperament and might cry, let’s say an hour at bedtime. Will this baby stop being as happy during the day? True, sometimes there are a few days that babies are clingier during the day after cry-it-out. This is due simply to the change in routine and adjustment to the new way to fall asleep and for the really sleep-deprived, they begin to catch up on their much needed sleep and therefore, are more tired during the day. It generally goes away after just a few days, if it was there at all. So, will an hour of crying make this particular baby damaged for the rest of his life? I guess we all need to decide for ourselves whether this is true, but I personally don’t believe it.

Now, back to the article. When I sleep-trained my eldest son, we did end up using a crying method, in the end, and I never regretted it. I actually did not notice any change in personality whatsoever. Not in a good or bad way. He was always pretty happy, when he wasn’t tired and he wasn’t clingier during the day, either. The only thing I saw was that he became more rested so I guess you can say he was happier for more of the day, since he wasn’t so tired. He never once seemed to “remember” the previous night’s bedtime. In fact, once he became a toddler and could talk and occasionally would have a tantrum right before bed (usually because he was overtired as he is still sensitive to that), crying himself to sleep once again, the next morning he was always bright and chipper and never even seemed to remember what happened. And, for his entire first 2 years of life, until we transitioned him into a room with no rocker, we rocked EVERY night. We cuddled EVERY night (and still do!). I nursed him EVERY night until we weaned at 13 months. Nothing changed but the fact he could fall asleep without me and continue to sleep all night. I, of course, am not saying that the woman in the article was making it up. I’m only telling my story to show that all babies are different and it’s possible her baby’s personality didn’t really change. Maybe he never really did like to rock to sleep but didn’t know how else to go to sleep. I don’t know.

As I’ve said many times before, when we were pregnant with our little ones, we didn’t decide one day “You know what. I’m going to let him cry so he can sleep, even if it takes an hour.” before he was even born. No parent wants to do that! But, unfortunately, for some of us, it truly is what works for our child’s temperament and personality. My second son started going to sleep on his own at bedtime without cry-it-out. All babies are indeed different, even within the same family.

Children are very resilient and our relationships with them are very complex. There have been no studies that show cry-it-out has long-lasting effects on our children. There is not ONE thing you can do (or not do) for your child and make THAT be what makes your relationship positive or negative (apart from the purely heinous crimes like child molestation, of course!). There is not ONE thing that will violate his trust in you. If that was the case, the ONE time you didn’t catch him when he was learning to walk and bumped his head would cause him not to trust you anymore. The ONE time you were late changing his diaper and he was cold and crying and you didn’t know would cause harm to him.

It is all the love, affection, and care you give him all day, day-in and day-out, that builds the relationship between mother/father and child. THAT is what is important. Just as your child might cry and scream he can’t put a fork in an outlet or eat a cookie before dinner, he does not really know what is best for himself and he trusts you to do what’s best for him. You are not making him cry, you are letting him cry and it’s an important distinction as he grows into a toddler and young child. Just remember, sleep deprivation is no better for him as it is for you!

One other thing to keep in mind is not to project your feelings onto your child. Your guilt might make you feel that she feels abandoned, when in fact the true reason she could be crying is that she is tired and simply would rather be asleep and is upset that you aren’t replacing that pacifier 10 times per night anymore or rocking him to sleep or whatever other sleep association you typically provide for her.

Just something to think about if the only thing standing in your way to a better night’s rest is your worry that your child’s personality will change. You may be interested in reading more about how I define cry-it-out and what it is and isn’t. It means something different to everyone and I am, in no way, recommending that you allow your baby to cry for hours on-end for anything and everything.

Read more about the lack of evidence that cry-it-out causes permanent damage, from a co-sleeper, in fact.

So, what do you think?

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