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Sleep Training (From No Cry to Cry) Series – Part 6
If you are just joining us, you may want to start with Part 1 of this baby sleep training series.
In this final part of the series, I am going to share my story. I’m doing this for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to get to know me and my story, so I’m not just some name on the internet claiming to have gone through something similar to what you might be going through. I want you to know you aren’t alone. Sure, I suppose, I could be making up my story, but believe me I wish I were, but I’m not. LOL 😀 Second, I want to tell you my story because it shows that “experts” don’t have all the answers. You know your baby best! And, away we go!
Sleep Training My First Son
Donovan (in photo above), my eldest son, is a spirited child. He was high-needs basically from the beginning. He needed a LOT of soothing, whether it was me nursing, rocking, or holding him or my husband rocking him or walking him around (and he never took a pacifier – we must have tried 20 of them!). But, thankfully, he was not colicky. He didn’t cry a lot unless he was tired and we weren’t walking, rocking, nursing, etc. He was and still is very sensitive to becoming overtired. I/we had to watch him like a hawk to see if it was time to sleep again. Once he was overtired, it was much harder to get him to sleep.
Around 6 weeks old it was taking me upwards of 2-3 hours to put him to bed at night. I am NOT exaggerating. I would rock him and put him down ever so gently and he’d wake right up and I’d start alllll over! It was so exhausting. After I’d finally get him down, I’d start all over 1-2 hours later when he woke up again. Of course, now I know about sleep associations and why he was doing that. At 8 weeks old, I went back to work and simply could not keep up, so we started co-sleeping, something I never planned to do. I knew it worked for other people, but just wasn’t what I planned or wanted. But, it got us both more sleep…sorta. Since he had to nurse every 1-2 hours, he had to sleep with me and I was so fearful of rolling on him or my husband covering him with covers that I really didn’t sleep well, not to mention it wasn’t always so easy for me to go back to sleep after he nursed (and I never got good at nursing on the other side without physically switching sides! LOL). Anyway, it was better than what I was doing before, though.
Fast forward 8 weeks and he was 4 months old. I was getting depressed going to bed every night at 7 pm and never seeing my husband that I had to do something to transition him back to his crib, where he originally started.
I needed to formulate a plan, but I didn’t just want to put him in a room to cry when I had been sleeping with him every night. I didn’t think that was fair. So, first I used the method I described in Part 2 of this sleep training series. The first night, it took TWO LONG HOURS and was very frustrating for both of us. He surprisingly didn’t cry too much, either. He took to sucking on my sheet to soothe himself. The next night it took another TWO LONG HOURS. Ugh. But, by night 3 he did it in just 20 minutes and then the 4th night in the crib with NO CRYING! I was ecstatic!!
But…a week later he decided he didn’t like this arrangement. 🙁 He had a revolt. LOL I had given him a light receiving blanket that I slept on to suck on, but by the end of the week, I guess it just wasn’t enough. So, at that point, my husband and I decided to let him cry-it-out. At this point we knew he could do it and we decided he was protesting the change (like he’s done for other things for years now LOL). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. No mother plans on letting their baby cry to learn how to sleep. I made myself a mantra to get through it and reminded myself why I was doing it. As I said, he’s spirited, so he didn’t cry just 5 minutes and then sleep through the night like some books want to make it seem! But, we got through it in just 4 nights and on the 5th he went to sleep with NO CRYING.
I only focused on bedtime, at this point, and promptly responded to all other wakings. Thankfully, after he learned to fall asleep AT bedtime, he could go BACK to sleep throughout the night during sleep transitions. He still woke to eat twice until he was 7 1/2 months old and then he only woke once until I tried to night-wean at 8 1/2 months. Even though the “experts” will tell you babies don’t need to eat at night after a certain age/weight/whatever, he continued to wake in the 5 o’clock hour 3-4 times per week for a feeding. I tried to extend him but decided it was just best for both of us to continue to nurse and put him back down for 1-2 hours up until he was a little over a year old when he stopped waking on his own. But, even then it was difficult for him to go 12 hours without food and he’d want breakfast immediately upon waking. All babies are different in this regard. Heck, I know some adults would have trouble with going 12 hours without food! :p
Alas, sleep training was not a cure-all for us but it did make things 10 times better. We had many many ups and downs after that. He would slip back into bad habits and all of a sudden I’d find myself rocking him for an hour again. 🙁 I don’t know how it would happen, but I suppose it was during a teething episode, illness, etc. and things would just start to unravel again and we’d have to let him cry-it-out again. Some might say that this means cry-it-out didn’t work, but I don’t regret my decision one bit…EVER. It *was* our only option. We had tried everything else and it would land us in a big abyss of not-enough-sleep-for-any-of-us and when he didn’t get enough sleep, he was a BEAR! It wasn’t good for him. It wasn’t worth it for me to rock him for an hour to avoid 10 minutes of crying. That was robbing him of 50 more minutes of sleep and believe me, he needed it.
Nowadays, sleep is still ever important in this house for him. He is still a bear if he doesn’t get enough sleep only now he whines more, cries more, and has more tantrums. I *know* that as he goes through life and goes to school, it will be IMPERATIVE that my husband and I get him adequate sleep or he will be one of the kids with behavior problems. I think many parents probably struggle with this and not realize their child simply needs more sleep. I can imagine that if you haven’t really been able to tune into the relationship between sleep and behavior, you might miss it. I know the fact he is spirited
makes a big difference.
Of course, I need to mention that my sweet son is just that, too. He is much more challenging without enough sleep, but boy is he one of the brightest lights of my life! He is so smart (I’m not exaggerating LOL) and such a sweetheart giving me kisses and telling me he loves me and kissing his little brother and…I could go on and on. At one point he knew over 30 signs for communicating before he could talk, he could point to over 30 U.S. states when he was just over a year old, knew his ABC’s before he was 2, and so on. Allowing him to cry-it-out in no way damaged him or his self-esteem. He is still ever so strong-willed and negotiates EVERYTHING (I swear he will be a lawyer!). He still trusts us and loves us to pieces. 🙂
Sleep Training My Second Son
Nicholas (photo to the right) is my 2nd son and now just 4 months old. Completely different than Donovan. We haven’t had to do much with him and he has started to sleep well. You might think it’s because I know more this time. I disagree. I have not done things THAT much different with Nicholas. Because I seem to birth screamers (not fussers), when he came home from the hospital I had to hold him all night for at least 2-3 weeks. I sat upright on the couch while he laid on the boppy. He just couldn’t be set down much at all. Then, I just HAD to get off the couch, so what did I do? You guessed it. We started co-sleeping, only this time I bought a co-sleeper similar to a Dock-a-Tot. That lasted just 3 nights because he was such a loud sleeper and even when he wasn’t awake, I’d reach over and pat his back probably waking him up. So, I decided to try to put the sleeper in the crib with him and voila! He’s been in there ever since (we removed the sleeper about 2 weeks later or so). 🙂
For a while, we still rocked him to sleep (and still do for naps, for now), but then we slowly stopped that and started letting him fall asleep on the boppy on our lap in the rocker and then eventually was able to just put him in the crib and he sucks on…yep…a light receiving blanket. Naps might be a different story, but overall, he’s simply learned how to soothe himself much easier than Donovan did. I really don’t take credit. He’s just different (and not as sensitive to over-tiredness). Pure and simple. And, that’s why those with “easy” babies won’t ever understand how someone like me could allow my son to cry or how some people would find it strange to even have a whole website dedicated to sleep for babies. It’s simply not easy for all babies!
I hope sharing my story has given others either a) hope that they can also have a good sleeper, b) strength to make a change, c) comfort they are not alone, or d) all of the above. There really isn’t just one way to help your child sleep better. There really isn’t a “right” method for all of us. We all must find what works for our personalities and for our children’s temperament. I hope you can find information on this website to do just that.
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Once you make your choice and purchase, you will immediately receive an e-mail with your Helpdesk login information. You’ll be able to log in and start your Family Sleep History form right away – it’s that simple!
Sleep Resources That WORK
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, I encourage you to explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and planning worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
Or, join our Members Area packed with exclusive content and resources: e-Books, assessments, detailed case studies, expert advice, peer support, and more. It actually costs less to join than buying products separately! As a member, you’ll also enjoy a weekly chat with an expert sleep consultant. And the best part – members receive 20% off all sleep consultation services!
What’s Your Sleep Training Story?
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If you are tired of wading through stacks of baby sleep books that just aren't working, if you are beyond exhausted and just can't solve your child's sleep problems on your own...than personalized sleep consulting is for you. We have been around since 2008 and invite you to tap into 10+ years of experience. Our team of expert consultants will create a Personalized Sleep Plan® just for your family and then support you through every step of implementing your plan. We encourage you to consider our personalized, one-on-one baby and toddler sleep consultation packages if you want to see real, meaningful results now. Your consultation package also includes ample follow-up help, designed to help you troubleshoot problems and tweak your plan as needed.Learn More About Services
For those persistent nighttime struggles, check out The 3 Step System to Help Your Baby Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your baby sleep through the night.
Learn More About The 3-Step System
If you’re looking for ways to get your baby or toddler into a healthy sleeping routine during the day, explore Mastering Naps and Schedules, a comprehensive guide to napping routines, nap transitions, and all the other important “how-tos” of good baby sleep. With over 45 sample sleep schedules and worksheets, Mastering Naps and Schedules is a hands-on tool ideal for any parenting style.
Learn More About Mastering Naps
For those persistent toddler sleep struggles, check out The 5 Step System to Help Your Toddler Sleep. Using the same unique approach and practical tools for success, this e-book helps you and your toddler sleep through the night and enjoy a better daytime schedule.
Learn More About The 5-Step System
Join our Members Area packed with exclusive content and resources: e-Books, assessments, detailed case studies, expert advice, and more. As a member, you'll also enjoy a weekly chat with an expert sleep consultant. And the best part - members receive 20% off all sleep consultation services!
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I was shaking my head in disbelief at how similar your son is to our daughter: Very bright, spirited, curious, happy little 9 month old, already walking but completely opposed to SLEEPING. My husband and I were against CIO methods and have basically been working around her crazy sleeping habits since she was born. We tried co-sleeping for the first 4 months, then we split our nights in two shifts so we could both get a minimum of a few hours for 3 months, then just as a few nights got a bit better, at 8 months it suddenly went down the tubes again…
We tried the Ferber method once before but gave up right away because it was so gut-wrenching to hear our wonderful, sweet little girl crying like that. But we’re taking the plunge again, with more determination, because after 9 months of nightly shifts, losing days from trying to catch on sleep, rocking/nursing for hours on end, we feel our health is on the line. We want to be the best for our girl, but we realized we simply can’t do it much longer while being desperately sleep-deprived. She’s an amazing, adorable little girl and an easy baby on all accounts, but her sleeping patterns can only be described as a monster that’s been eating at our lives.
I’m just thankful to hear all the similar stories. It’s been so hard to have personally known no other parent with the same baffling sleep problems. Even our doctor didn’t seem to think it was a big issue (since she’s a perfectly healthy child) and couldn’t give us any advice or help. It’s also comforting to hear rational, level-headed arguments and testimonies and not just that we’re horrible, cruel people to try this last-resort technique. It’s excruciating enough to have to do this without harsh judgements and fear-mongering from people who don’t happen to have a radical non-sleeper.
No success story yet: Although the technique is working great on naps, she cried for 1 1/2 hours on Night 1 but we’re decided to see it through. We all need better sleep. But thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for providing this information and support!
Hi Nicole,
I was so glad to read all of your articles. My son is quite similar to Donovan. For a long time we were trying to figure out if he was colicky. He was difficult to soothe and wouldn’t take any pacifier (and doesn’t suck his thumb). He never fit any of the descriptions and different pediatricians had varied theories. He is now almost 10 months old and we are struggling to get him to sleep and stay asleep. He never got attached to any “lovey.” We tried everything from a stuffed animal to a $80 blanket! We tried leaving our clothes in the crib. Nothing worked. He just never cared. Like many moms, I read pretty all of the top sleep training books out there. We often tried to apply the “No Cry Sleep” techniques (Pantley) but they never worked. At the same time we never felt a strong need to use the crying or CIO methods during the first 6 months of his life because most of the time he would only wake up twice each night for feeding. I didn’t expect him to sleep through the night then. So we rocked/bounced him to bed day and night. Then things worsened after he turned 6 months. We first thought it was teething (and he was actually teething for 6 weeks before he got his 2 front teeth) but we soon realized that wasn’t it after we gave him teething pills, Oragel and Motrin. He would wake up every 1.5 to 2 hours and a few days each week he would stay awake for 2 hours from 2-4a. A month of sleep deprivation went by and he turned 7 months and got very sick and was hospitalized for respiratory problems. Then for 2 weeks he would wake up every 20 minutes and take 1 hour to get back to his “20 minute” naps days and nights!!!! Poor baby he was so sick. After he was discharged and we got the green light from his ped, we started to sleep train him because all of us were so sleep deprived and our arms nearly fell off. We used Ferber, first night he took 1.5 hours and woke up 6 times. I was so sick to my stomach that I got sick as I listened to his cries. On the second night he fell asleep in 30 minutes and woke up 4 times. After the 4th time, we took him to our bed and found out he was running 104F and had a relapse which turned into pneumonia. I never felt so horrible in my life. I blamed it on sleep training for the next several days! After he finally recovered from everything, we decided to try again (2.5 weeks ago). By that point, he (we) hadn’t really slept longer than 30 mns for nearly 2 months.
Our second try, on his first night, he took 50 mns but subsequent nights he actually took no more than 15 mns. He would still wake up during his first week several times but would fall back asleep quickly (less than 10 mns) except 1 or 2 nights of 1.5-2 hours staying up spells. I should mention that we only did Ferber check in on the first night and found that every time we went in we made him cry worse than before. So we ended up using the “extinction” method by default. By the 2nd week, he was sleeping 8-10 hours. We were so happy with that and didn’t mind feeding him after 8-10 hour stretches. He was an early bird (still is) and would be up and ready to go between 5:30a-6a. We didn’t mind (7a-5:30a bedtime). This was a big improvement. He went from sleeping 9 hours a day (including naps!) to 11-12 hours. Well our “success” didn’t last long. The past few days he relapsed (our 3rd week). Now he wouldn’t go to sleep without screaming his head off for an hour, then passed out and would wake up again 2-3 hours later. He also started to stay awake for up to 2 hours again, screaming the entire time. We let him the first 2 nights but then we gave in because it felt so wrong. We fed him twice the last 2 nights and he ate everything. So now we’re wondering he that was why he woke up.
We have difficulties with fixing his bedtime too because his naps are so inconsistent (ranging from 15 minutes to 2 hours) so his bedtime fluctuates from 5:30p-7:30p depending his naps. I don’t know what to do anymore and at my wit’s end. However, reading your articles and other people’s comments made me feel like I’m not alone. We’re gonna take a few days off and decide if we should go back to extinction again or do the “chair” technique.
Thank you Nicole and everyone
Gwen,
Sounds like you all have had quite a few ups and downs especially with all the illness. Hopefully, he’s back to healthy now. I would highly recommend you consider purchasing a customized sleep consultation with Nicole. She has a two email package that could really set you on the right track. You can find out more out her customized services here: https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/
Hang in there. With his recent illnesses, you’ve have a rough go of it so far. Things will get better though!
I did read that beforehand; I just wasn’t sure if it was ok to begin sleep training at this time. I’ll talk to my husband about the consult. Thanks.
Hi Theresa,
You can also consider posting any additional sleep questions in our Free forum at http://community.babysleepsite.com/ where you can post more details about your specific situation and other moms and myself can help you with suggestions or ideas. It’s a nice place to continue our discussion.
Hello,
I just found your website and it is very helpful. Thank you! I read all the parts.
We have an almost 8 month old who is used to being rocked to sleep every night. He is also still in a woombie. He is also teething right now, and is waking almost every hour. Should we wait until the teething is over until sleep training? When we do begin sleep training, should we take him out of the woombie so he’s able to self-soothe (suck his thumb, find the paci, etc)? or let him cry in the woombie? It seems he will rarely put himself to sleep anymore. He starts fussing and then it turns to crying. The other night we tried letting him cry and after 10 minutes went in there to check on him and he smiled at us. This tells me he is ready for sleep training, I just don’t know if it’s cruel to do while he’s teething. Orajel seems to help; I’m undecided if Tylenol is helping. Please help!
We’re glad to hear you find the website helpful. I would recommend you take a look a this post about how to handle teething and sleep training/wakings- https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/teething-sleep/. Nicole’s general advice is not to stop or delay sleep training during teething. From what you’ve described here, it sounds like he might be ready and amendable to sleep training. If you’d like help with prioritizing your sleep training, I highly recommend you consider a sleep consultation with Nicole as she can help you formulate a plan of action in as little as two emails. https://www.babysleepsite.com/baby-toddler-sleep-consulting-services/. Best wishes for reaching a good night’s sleep soon!
@ Alison- I’m sorry it’s taken so long for us to get back to your comment! You sound like a terrific mom who is doing all the best for her son. As moms, it’s sometimes easy to question ourselves, but really we are the ones who know our babies the best!
How often are you feeding him at night now? It’s really not uncommon for babies this age to need up to 2 feedings at night especially if they are going through a growth spurt which he might have been as he was getting ready to crawl. I would try making the first feeding to be a full one and see if that helps to get him sleeping more through the night.
Also, keep in mind, that with some babies, certain teeth won’t bother them as much as other teeth, especially when it comes to the molars coming in.
Hang in there! You’re doing a great job and clearly your son is very much loved.
Hi Nicole
I’m finding your website very refreshing and helpful. My son is 6months old. he sounds exactly like your first son. I was at my wits end and asked friends for advice. one friend recommended a sleep trainer for us becasue it worked well for their daughter. My son is very active and alert, he is intense and perceptive ( I read your temperament article :). It did not work for us. I found it was too rigid and didn’t take into consideration unique situations. I found her cruel and insensitive and that all of his sleep problems were my fault. I’m sure some were but I was exhausted and depressed. My husband actually brought me to the clinic because I cried uncontrollably for 4 hours straight, becaue Ifelt like a horrible mother that this wasn’t working. What really got me was nap training. My son would sleep for 45 mins during his naps( he was 4.5 months at he time). I was told by her that I had to leave him in his crib for another hour so that he would learn to fall back asleep. If I even took him out once before that time he would know I wasn’tserious and it wouldn’t work. I did this for 5 weeks. I went in a couple of times to flip him over because he was crying so hard. I emailed her distressed and she told me my time with her was up and that I would have to start the training all over again because he would not take me seriously. So I tried one nap and I lost it, broke down crying uncontrollably called my husband who told me to leave the house with our son meet him at work and forget the training. I did what I felt was right for the next week and a half and he has slept each of his naps for an hour and a half for 5 days in a row.:)
I was beside myself crying and feeling like a failure that it wasn’t working for him but it worked for my friends daughter. I can’t listen to him cry anymore. i’m actually seeing a therapist for anxiety around parenting that wasn’t there before I started this training.
All of your advice just seems so sensitive and understanding. It was nice to hear that you had blips in the road as well. I amfeeling more confident as a mother and your site has helped me a lot. Thank you soooooo much.
Here is our night blip;
Right now we have gone back to nursing to sleep, well drowsy (really drowsy) but awake (sort of). my son who used to sleep for at least a 7-8 hour stretch then he would feed once and sleep until 6:30-7am got up 6 times last night.
I don’t know what to do, do I let him cry it out again?
He already has 2 teeth and he didn’t do this when they came out. COuld it be that he wants to practice crawling? I did find him in his crib on all fours laughing the other night at 4am. too cute.
Not so cute that it happened every 1-2 hours last night though
what to do?
Would love some advice on this. Do I move his feeding to another time in the nightly routine?
Thanks nicole, I hope my rant makes sense. I’m just so excited about your website and that I have an understanding place to share my concerns and problems. It seems liek a lot of mums I talk to aren’t going through the same things as me.
Nicole,
I want to thank you for your wonderful article and advice. Tonight is the first night that my husband and I are trying the Ferber method with our 9 month old son. We had gone back and forth about using this method due to the CIO approach. As my son’s bedtime drew nearner I was feeling like an awful mother knowing that I was about to let my precious little boy cry himself to sleep. I was really struggling with hearing him cry unitl I came across your article. When I finished reading your article I found myself crying with a sense of relief! Your words helped me to realize that I am not a bad or cruel mother. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. I am going to share your article with every mother I know! Merry Christmas!
P.S. Have you published a book that can be purchased at a book store? I would love to buy it!
@Ashley I’m so glad this website has helped you! I have not published a book that you can buy at a bookstore, yet, but it’s a future plan of mine. 🙂 I hope it’s going well with your son’s sleep! Good luck!
your experience with your first son is almost identical to my experience with my own right now! thanks for sharing and giving me a little hope.
week 3 of finally resorting to CIO and while it’s been better than him waking every single hour to nurse, it’s still not working and i’m at the end of my rope. he cries to sleep every single night and for every nap), and he also cries during nighttime sleep transitions to the point where i cave and go in and nurse him to sleep, where it starts the cycle all over again. i wonder if we should night wean him? right now we’re feeding him once at about midnight and then again at 5am. *sigh*
anyway, thanks again
.-= heather´s last blog ..hangin’ with charlie & august =-.
@Heather Sorry you’re having a tough time! You didn’t say how old yours is, but two feedings sounds typical for 7 months and under (or so). I wish I could give more advice, but I’d need more detail. I hope it’s better by now. Good luck!
Hi~
Thank you so much for this article. My son will turn one on December 2 and I am having some sleeping issues that I need to face. When he was younger (before he could stand up) I used to swaddle him and he was able to go to sleep on his own just fine. He always woke up once or twice at night to nurse and he has slept through the night about a dozen times. But ever since he has been able to stand up, puting him down to fall asleep on his own has not worked, but that is because I haven’t let him cry it out or anything. I swore I would never rock him to sleep or any of that, but now he is almost a year old and here I am rocking him to sleep for both night sleeping and naps. He has also been sleeping in our room but in his crib at night. During his naps I put him in his crib to sleep. We are getting over sickness’ now and while he has been sick he has been co-sleeping with us. I feel like I am in such a bad position with all of this and all I want is for him to fall asleep on his own and to sleep in his own bed and room at night, all night. Doesn’t everyone want that? 🙂 I read what you wrote and I need to start puting him down to sleep before he falls asleep but drowsy. When I do, he immediatly gets up and starts crying. I have tried to let him cry it out but I didn’t try too hard. I felt guilty. I know I need to work on this, and it is my fault for not doing it. I have been waiting for all of us to be feeling better. Now it is time to do it and I just feel like I need to the support and determination. This needs to end sometime and I can’t wait any longer. He is already coming up on the year mark. If you have any suggestions, please help me. 🙂 Thank you for your info and your story. It has helped me and will motivate me to help my son so he can sleep better and then we can sleep better too! 🙂
Thank you, Challene
@Challene You’re welcome!! There is a lot in between rocking him to sleep and cry it out, so do try to start slower as you will be more likely to commit to it. I know how hard it is and I’m glad my story has motivated you! 🙂 Good luck!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!! It’s such a relief to hear we are not alone.
Thanks,
Caroline
@Caroline You’re very welcome!! 🙂
Hi Nicole. I can’t tell you how refreshing this website is to have come across. I have a son that is almost 5 months old and unfortunately I have been back at work for the last 2 months, my milk supply has dropped, and we have introduced formula/bottle. I already went through the guilt of this, but have come to terms with the fact that he will thrive physically and mentally just as well. About a month ago we introduced a bedtime routine and he goes to bed each night at 8pm. I felt good about accomplishing this. About 2 weeks ago we moved him from the bassinet by our bed to his own crib in a separate room, although this room is just a few feet from ours (feels like the same room). This was and still is an adjustment for him but I am convinced he enjoys it because he can roll around and be comfortable (he was growing out of the bassinet). Our doctor told us at 4 months that he is old enough, healthy enough, and weighs enough to let him get through the night without a feed. Since I have stopped breast feeding, we decided to only feed him once with a bottle when he woke up. I am not trying to get rid of this feeding. Since both my husband and I work full time and he continues to fuss and wake us up every 3 hours for COMFORTa nd won’t go easily back down (probably because i nixed the feeding), we feel that our household is falling apart. We have many arguments in the wee hours of the night and our patients in non-existence. I feel this is unfair for our son and the vibes in the house are not good. I got extremely overwhelmed when I began my research on sleep training. There is one extreme of putting the baby down in the crib at 7pm and not going back until 7am and this i do not agree with, nor can handle. The other extreme is to feed and comfort on demand, let the baby in the bed with you forever and ever, but this too I find does not work for us. I was happy to come across your approach because it seems to be working somewhat for us. Up until a week ago he always got rocked to sleep in our arms until he was in a deep sleep. I am now rocking him until he gets sleepy and putting him down. He looks at me like “what are you doing?” but I have noticed at day 4 he is slowly getting to sleep with a little bit of fussing and be reassuring him from his bed side. Then we did the cry out when he woke next, but in intervals, waiting 5 mins, 10 mins, 15 mins- and for two nights in a row, I did not have to go beyond 20 minutes- we all fell asleep and woke happy.
UNTIL last night- augh. we did everything as usual but he woke at 2am and fussed, i did the 5 mintues, 10 minutes, 15 minutes and each time the cry got louder and more upsetting. I finally waiting 30 minutes and he was a mess. Let me also add that for the past 4 days i have NOT been picking him up from the crib, but soothing him with my hand and shhing and the pacifier. It got so bad last night that from 2-5am he was on and off crying. It was horrible. I was just about to pick him out of the crib at 5am when i just held his hand for 15 minutes and he went back to sleep for good. I can imagine why- it had been 3 hours of off and on crying.
I feel HORRIBLE today. What went wrong? we were on a good flow and now this? He is just about 5 months, is this too long? i have some questions for you-
is this too soon or should i keep it up even though this last night was so discouraging?
is picking him up out of the crib going to naturally push us back?
you say to do 5 min intervals each night, but lets say i made it to 30 mins last night, do i start with 30 mins tonight?
we are unfortunately going away the next 2 weekends- is this going to throw things off?
i just feel so defeated, yet i know this sleep is important for my son. i am already feeling guilty that i work full time and he loves day care more then me- but i am told this is a complex. i just don’t know if my timing is right on this sleep training.
and lastly- if i am doing the cry-out method that is the one where i am still going in and comforting him without picking up vs. the one when i am not going in at all- will this take longer?
thanks in advance for your reply. again, thank you for this article.
@Becca (((HUGS))) It’s all so overwhelming. I fully disagree with your doctor and I know I am not a doctor, but I just don’t agree that all 5 month olds can necessarily go 12 hours without a feeding and many need 2, maybe even 3, feedings at this age. There are adults that don’t go 12 hours without eating, so I don’t know why we expect our babies to. So, I can imagine that when he was crying 2a-5a he was probably hungry. 🙁 Typically, when they are beside themselves, they are hungry. I also say that if baby wakes, cries/fusses, goes back to sleep and wakes again shortly (~20-30 minutes) he is hungry. In general, with cry it out, it takes a good 3-4 nights to see a lot of progress, but even then it’s not a cure-all for everyone. There will be good days and bad days, unfortunately. In general, doing check-and-console can take longer, but not usually, unless you’re my son. 😀 Lastly, don’t EVER EVER worry about your son loving daycare than you. We have a nanny and she sees the boys 40+ hours a week and they still prefer mommy and daddy. There is just something about mommy’s kisses and mommy’s hugs that can NEVER be replaced by another caretaker. Being a working mom I know all too well about the guilt, but I do also think we have very good quality time together because it’s that much more precious because we don’t have a lot of it. Hang in there! It will get easier. I promise!
Thanks for this website Nicole. It’s nice to know other moms have experienced similar things… it’s true, parents of easy sleepers have NO idea what we go through, having a kid that just won’t sleep. My kid is exactly the same… no matter how much you soothe her, or how deeply she is asleep, she will often wake up the second you place her down in the crib. And then you have to start all over. It is incredibly frustrating. None of the “no-cry” methods ever worked for my daughter. She is now 7 months old.
She was colicky in the beginning. We co-slept for a while, to try to get everyone more sleep, but then she started to wake up MORE often while cosleeping (like every hour… talk about sleep deprivation). We moved her to her crib and let her CIO at 4 and a half months of age, and after about a week of hell, it seemed she had finally figured out how to go to sleep on her own. But this past week we seem to have seen a relapse. She will go to sleep like usual, then wake up exactly 30 minutes later, crying for no apparent reason. If I then go in and nurse, she goes right back to sleep and sleeps for 8-10 hours straight. But some nights she, once again, wakes when placed in the crib and we have to no choice but to let her CIO again. I thought I was done with CIO after that week at 4 months old, which was just about the worst experience of my entire life. What could be causing a relapse now? I am putting her to bed between about 7:30-9:30 PM, is that too late at night? Also, how would naps affect nighttime sleep at this age? She takes only short naps — 30 minutes to an hour. I have been letting her take a short third nap around 4-5 PM, but she doesn’t always want it. Would love any suggestions you may have. Thanks!
@Jen Cry it out wasn’t a cure-all for us either and it can be incredibly frustrating. They go through a lot the first year and developmental milestones can affect sleep as well as teething, etc. You didn’t mention how old your daughter is now, but yes, anything after 8pm can be late if she’s still really young. With my son, he always cried more when he was overtired. The better babies nap during the day, the better they sleep, usually. Hope this helps!
Hi there, i feel like a waited abit late to CIO with my first daughter, we did it the first time around 7 months and it worked quickly by day 4 she was a amazing sleeper sleeping all night from 7:30 then up at 7am but we quickly slipped back into old habbits as i was 5 months pregnant with my second daughter and it was easier to go into her room 5-6 times a night to give her a bottle and often just take her to our bed so we could get some sleep. now she is 11 nearly 1 year old and ive just had my second daughter and im tired and at my wits end really now we started the sleep training tonight and i put her down when she was really tired its taken nearly 3 hours for her to go to sleep, she gets upset easily but is very strong willed. just hoping its gets better because we all could use a great nights sleep haven’t had one in months, any suggestions on how to make this any better, need abit of support, and thank you for all the information, the best advice ive read on these websites, xx
@Rachael I am familiar with strong-willed babies! I hope it has gotten better by now. 3 hours is LONG! But, I find once they become toddlers, it does get a bit tougher as their will only gets stronger. I’ve often had parents tell me they feel they waited too long even by 10 months old. With a newborn and a toddler, you definitely need to break the sleep associations. Make sure you give your daughter a lot more reassurance during the day as the transition with the baby might add some uneasiness. I’d probably have more suggestions if I knew more details, so I’ll just say hang in there and good luck!!!
Hi Nicole,
Thanks for all the great info. I started CIO with my 6 months old daughter last week. She was waking up 3 times a night and will fall asleep after breastfeeding. I did not night weaning (feeding her while asleep and slowly cut down the amount) Now i just put her down at 7:30am and feed her before I go to bed. It’s been 8 days now and she is doing well going to sleep on her own but she wakes up at 4am and cries an hour before going back to sleep (until 6or 7am). I am not sure at this juncture, if it’s better to switch method or to just stick it out. Why is it that she seems to know how to go to sleep on her own but can’t do it in the middle of the night? Would love any suggestions you have.
@Ally 4-6 a.m. is the lightest sleep of the night, so this is a common complaint. It takes some practice for them to know how to fall back to sleep during their lighter sleep. 8 days of crying for an hour is a lot, though. Is that time for a feeding?
I am wondering if you can help me with my 11 month old. I am still rocking him to sleep for naps and it is torture for both of us. He would rather not sleep it seems. At night time he nurses himself to sleep which is going to be ending soon since I plan on weaning him in the next month. I am willing to buy consultations but just want to make sure you think it will help. My child is very persisntent and strong willed and I am really nervous about changing things up. I need to do something though. To make matters more complicated I just found out I ma pregnant (Yikes – wasn’t planning on this) and realize that he won’t get all of me for long. Can you help????
@Cindy I sent you e-mail. I can definitely help! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
Hi Nicole,
Thank you so much for your article. My daughters docs recommended the ferber method. We started 3 nights ago and I finally felt like I made the right choice for my daughter but last night she woke at 2 am falling back to sleep an hour later. While waiting for her to go back to sleep I read an article about some Harvard study that claims your children might grow up to have anxiety and stress as they get older. I was wondering what you felt about this study. My husband suggested this was for parents who were probably not their for them during the day as well. I woke up feeling so horrible that I let her cry an hour… I think now that she might have just been cold. Should I have taken her out and added some more clothes on her??? I thought if I take her out it would only upset her more when i put her back in. My docs said to not even go back in intervals cuz it just angers them more… Would love your thoughts.
thanks
@sherly I have read about that Harvard study. In my article, “Will Cry It Out Change Your Baby’s Personality?”, there is a good link about it: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/cry-it-out-personality/ I agree with your husband that the study is more about responding to the baby day and night, day in and day out. Breaking sleep associations often does not come with some protest and upset, but I stand by that when done right, it will not damage your baby forever and ever. I don’t know all of your details, but when I’m doing a sleep consultation, we typically will start with no-cry-it-out methods and work our way up, if necessary. I realize you are probably done with sleep training at this point, so I hope it went well! I hope right now you are all enjoying a good night’s sleep.
I don’t know about others, but when I tried the Ferber or cry-it-out, I noticed my son cried everytime I put him in the crib. He almost developed a fear of the crib, and would start screaming as soon as I put him in, and he never used to do that before! So I stopped that method…I can’t let him cry for an hour…didn’t work for us…
Question on naps!
We started the Ferber method yesterday after reading your site. At night, it worked pretty well! She cried for about 30 mins (5-10-15) and then slept untill the morning.
But today, during the day for naps, it was a huge non. She is 5months and a half old and we aim for 1x 2hours nap in the morning and 1x2hours nap in the afternoon. Her awake time is about 2 hours so I put her in bed after the nap routine after 1h55 mins approx.
The first nap, she slept 45 mins and cried for another 1 hour 🙁
Second nap, she slept 1 hour and 15 mins and have been crying for now 1h00. She looks tired so I think she still needs sleep…Does Ferber work for nap time?
@MarkN Ferber does work for naps, but they are generally harder than nights. The chance of a baby going back to sleep after sleeping 45 minutes or longer is not as likely, so you should not let her cry another hour. It will not be realistic to always expect 2 hour naps. I hope you worked it out as it’s taken me a few days to get to these comments.
Nicole, I was looking for a website to read about my baby’s development at 7 months and read something interesting. They said that at 7 months your baby is going to start experiencing anxiety when you’re not around, including at night, and that this is not a good time to start trying the cry-it-out method since your baby will be too sensitive. Any comments?
@Ash It depends on how you define cry-it-out and what the problem is, in my opinion. I do think it’s important to already have a routine in place, which gives them a sense of security knowing what comes next. If you already have that in place, then I do think you can develop a plan to be sensitive to your baby’s needs, but also not have a baby who wakes every 1-2 hours. I think every situation is unique and as I always say, I think it’s important to have a plan so you are successful. Thanks for asking!
PS to those co-sleeping and wondering how to get their babies to sleep better – putting them in their own quiet room might help. I slept with my babies and then after 3 months (when their feeding needs weren’t so demanding) I put them in their own room because I knew my “sleep noises” and my husband’s were disturbing their sleep. The premise of co-sleeping is wonderful but if being too close is taking away something else (ie. their sleep/good sleep habits) then it may be worth a second thought.
Hi Nicole, I think our mommy lives are parallel! I have 2 boys both born screamers too. Went through the same thing with my first son (I thought my arms would fall off). Sleep is the most vital thing I instill in my household as well. I think good sleep is the precursor to learning, discipline, and, basically, good temperament. I cringe when people brag that their babies can sleep through anything and would vacuum in their room while they’re sleeping. I am so against interrupted sleep. Even if they don’t physically wake up their sleep cycle is probably interrupted and they’re not getting QUALITY sleep. That’s one of the reasons I’m having trouble sleep training my second son (5 months). I can’t let him cry too long because I feel so guilty interrupting my older son’s sleep. He’s such a good sleeper (I trained him well LOL) that even if hears him crying (who can ignore such screaming anyway) he just rolls over and goes back to sleep. But poor guy wakes up in the morning with bags under his eyes! Do you have this problem?
@Agnes Sorry you have my parallel life. LOL! I set up white noise machines in both boys bedrooms and that seems to really help them both sleep soundly if one wakes up. I only needed one night when they woke each other up before I ran out and bought 2 of these: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00008439C?ie=UTF8&tag=pinisbr-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00008439C I agree that quality sleep is very important!! Good luck with your 5 month old!
My 7-month old wakes up several times at night, about every 1.5 to 3 hours. The only way he’ll fall back asleep is while I breastfeed him. I feed him and put him back in the crib, and I have to be careful that he doesn’t wake up during the process or he’ll start crying again…MAJOR SLEEP ASSOCIATION WITH BREASTFEEDING…My mom suggests that he may be waking up cuz I don’t produce enough milk and he falls asleep hungry again. Sometimes when I can’t take it anymore and wanna shoot myself, my hubby takes him and cuddles with him, and then he falls asleep, but it doesn’t work when i cuddle with him, he keeps leaning over for milk. How am I supposed to take away these sleep associations without having him cry???
@Ash ((HUGS)) It is common for women to wonder if it’s a milk supply issue, but this is very rarely the reason a baby wakes every 1-3 hours at this age, and like you said, it’s most often due to a sleep association problem. If my sleep training series did not help you find a method that works for you, please consider checking out my sleep consultation services (https://www.babysleepsite.com/services). Good luck!
Hi Nicole, Donne has been falling asleep without her pacifier and even in the night does not always need it but, she does drink her bottle twice a night, and she wakes up 4 time, I see that Fairuz mentioned a protein shake which I will try that as she does not eat alot and perhaps that is why she drinks so much in the evening. I also think she may be teething at the moment, I do give her teething gel and vidal powder but that does not seem to see her through the night, perhaps there is something else I could try.
Please would you advise me, my 11month old baby girl falls asleep on my bed alone I just lay next to her, but she wakes up 3 – 4 times in the evening I sometimes just put her pacifier in her mouth and will feed her 2 twice in the eveing, could it be that she is not getting enough iron in how do I know if it is habit or if something is wrong.
@Theresa Have you read the article about sleep associations? Here is the link: https://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/sleep-associations
It sounds like the pacifier might be a sleep association that you might want to break. Otherwise, I’d need to know more information about your daughter’s schedule and other routines to help you further. ((HUGS))
I previously posted a comment and I just want to add that I am back at sleep training.. After 10 days of crying seeing no improvement… I put my son back in my bed for 10 days, last night we started again.. My nighttime routine is feeding oatmeal.. 15 min later a bath, then nursing till asleep or drowsy, put baby in crib.. he cried for about 10 min then my husband went in picked him up, comforted him for 5 min, put him back in crib, he cried for about 5 minutes ( I was crying the entire time), then went to sleep for 9 hours straight. If anyone would like to discuss this my email is twilight19_77[at]yahoo[dot]com, espcailly Fairuz, your story sound like mine!
@isabel (((HUGS))) I hope you have seen a lot of improvement and things continue to go well. Good luck! (Note: I reformatted your email address because there are “bots” that comb web pages just looking for e-mail addresses for spam, so don’t put your email address in comments without reformatting)
Hi
Great information. Thanks for telling your story. My baby has not been an easy sleeper. I am still grappling with how to get her off my breast for naps and she is 11 mos old! I wish I had this website at the time of sleep training her nighttime sleep.
My baby was an all night nurser and had to be weaned from that before I could actually have her fall asleep on her own in my bed.
I finally got her to sleep in her own crib, after I happened to do your #2 method, I had to figure it out on my own. And then when she fell asleep in my bed I transfer her over to her crib. The first 2 nights she cried 8-11 times. I picked her up each time and soothed her back to sleep. She finally decided, I guess that it was too much trouble, me picking her up and decided to go back to sleep on her own! It took a couple months and now she is sleeping thru the night.
I need help on her naps, though. I have tried putting her down for naps after nursing but she wakes up after 45 mins and WILL NOT go back to sleep unless I put her back on my breast!
@Jeanine That’s great your daughter is now STTN! Keep working on those naps and I hope she gets it, soon!
Thanks so much for this series of articles. My husband and I are about to try the Ferber method tonight on our 9 month old baby girl. I am very anxious about this because we have never let her cry for any length of time. We were taught (by the baby clinic we take her to) that letting them cry for any reason for any length of time is cruel. I feel so angry and is if i have been sold a pack o lies, as we have always taken the parenting high road, as it was sold to us – nursing on demand, co-sleeping, never letting her cry – and yet there has been no improvement in our baby’s sleep since she’s been born. She wakes about 5 times a night and often needs to be rocked back to sleep. We are rocking her now because I have just recently stopped breastfeeding her – i would nurse her back to sleep before. i am just so drained and really began resenting parenting because i stumble through my days in a sleep-deprived haze, but feel so hopeful now that i have been convinced that we are not the cruelest parents in the history of parenting to try and teach our baby to fall asleep on her own. i cant tell you the new lease on life i have just at the idea that we have a plan to get out of the abyss that has been my nightmare. i realise it might now work and if ferber’s method proves too traumatising for her and us, we will try the gentler approaches. at this stage, though, i just want to get it over with and i cant bear the idea of doing this for weeks on end. sp the idea of a week seems more manageable. to other parents out there, i just want to add that we have also been advise to up our baby’s protein intake and in one week we have already seen a difference – from her waking 5 times a night to waking 3 times. I am very anxious but excited that our lives could be different too! No longer will i be a martyr and do what is the ‘kind’ and ‘right’ thing – right for who?? If i am a zombie and all we spend our weekends doing is catching up on sleep, that is no quality of life and our baby does not have the best parents we could be. I refuse to sacrifice everything to parent in a way that is completely not necessary. Thank you for helping feel more validated and easing my conscience that I am a bad mother for wanting more than 2 hours sleep at a time. Wish us luck!
@Fairuz (((HUGS))) I’m so sorry you’ve been through a lot. I hope you guys are in a better place now and if you haven’t started, good luck!
I am going through the same thing with my 8 month old. We co-slept until 2 wks ago. All night nursing was driving me crazy ( being a human pacifier), so I decided to let him CIO. When I tried Furber method, he would get more angry when I would check on him, so that wasn’t going to work. I already knew that no matter how long I rocked him or held him asleep, he would cry when I put him down, so I knew this option was coming. The first 5-6 days it seemed to be working, but on the 7th night, by husband had to put him down, and he did it 15 too early. SInce then it has went down hill. He still takes naps in my bed, arms or stroller, so I don’t know if that confuses him (he naps 1/2 hr every 2 hrs). I am going to take 4 nights off and try again. Do you have a specific guidline or routine you could offer??? I would REALLY appreciate it. thanks
@Isabel I’m sorry things have been rough. Day and night sleep are handled by different parts of the brain, so it is fine that you do things differently. I would need to know more of your specific situation to give you more specific advice, but I do offer a step-by-step approach in my e-Book, if you’re interested. Good luck!
@Julie Thank you for writing! Nap training at this young age is usually pretty difficult for many babies. The last nap of the afternoon is considered “optional” and therefore, it is OK that it is in the stroller/pushchair, so that is just fine. 🙂 Good luck!
We tried the CIO method with my then 3 month old as I was tired from having to spend 1-2 hours each night rocking him to sleep. The first week was tough listening to him cry but it did work – he has learnt to sleep by himself and can self sooth himself back to sleep when he wakes in the middle of the night. However, every so often we would have an “off” night with about 30 minutes of crying but now 4 weeks after starting it, he has gone to bed the last 3 nights without any crying. He certainly doesn’t seem to be any the worse for having gone through the experience – in fact he wakes up happy every morning. Afternoon nap time however, is still a challenge. There are days when he goes down easily and other times when there is a lot of protesting. I am not as sure about using CIO also for nap time and sometimes resort to taking him out in the afternoon in the pushchair. Is this lack of consistency in the afternoon causing the problem? What would you advise for nap time?
@Alicia Thank you for your comment. Good luck!!!
Thank you for this article, it was helpful and gives me some ideas to work on getting my daughter to sleep through the night. We tried the Freeber and CIO methods, but she gets so upset she makes herself sick (literally). We have a strong bedtime routine, but have resorted to letting her fall asleep in her swing vs. bed. I’m going to try a mix of the fade and chair method to see if that works. Getting her to sleep at bedtime isn’t the problem, it’s the 4am wake up that is the issue. It takes me 1 to 2 hours to get her back to sleep. Wish me luck!
@Paula I’m so glad that my article helped, even if it was just to let others know they are not alone. I know that always helped me, too. Those with “easy” sleepers will never understand what we go through. NEVER. My 2nd son is still sleeping well and I, too, have a harder time letting him cry too much because he really is so good compared to my first son. We have had to let him fuss a bit to go down for his naps, etc. We re-settle him if he gets too worked up and so far that is enough for him. He certainly does not fight sleep as much as our first one! Thank you for commenting!
Nicoles last blog post..ADHD and Sleep
Thank you so much for this article. My firstborn was exactly the same as your son and it is soooooo refreshing to hear another Mom with the same problems and solution I used. I got a lot of slack for letting her cry it out…and let me tell you, she cried one night for 7 hours straight!! She is extremely strong willed and is to this day. I just had my second and I’m trying the Baby Wise method. Her temperment is a lot different from my first and I have a harder time letting her cry as long…I’m hoping to gain some of my “cold heartedness” to be able to let her cry it out. Just sooo worn out from my oldest and the thought of going thru another 2 1/2 years…yes she just FINALLY started sleeping thru the night, makes me want to cry. Again it’s so nice to know other people out there have the same issues as we did and not taking the blame as just a “new mom not knowing what you were doing”…I got that a lot too. “Oh it’s just your first…you always screw up your first.” People just really have no CLUE what it’s like to have a kid that JUST WONT SLEEP!! Hope your second is still sleeping well…