How Long to Cry It Out (CIO)
Posted by Nicole on November 3rd, 2009
This topic “How long to cry it out?” has come up a few times in the last few weeks in one way or another, so I thought I’d talk about it this week. I always preface any discussion about cry it out by making sure that everyone understands that I’m not a “Cry It Out Pusher” and I’m very much NOT an extremist or a hard-core “sleep trainer”. I try to be realistic and just know that all babies are different and all family structures are different and what works for one won’t work for everyone. I even debated Pantley about this very topic, because while I think she has some good ideas, they simply will NOT work for all challenging baby types…at least in time before you go crazy from sleep exhaustion. I also don’t recommend cry it out for long-term co-sleepers, either.
If you are adamantly against cry it out, please do NOT do it! It probably won’t work and you’ll just feel bad about it. At all times in my sleep consultations, I work with parents on helping their baby sleep with as few tears as possible. Why? Because who wants their baby to cry? We all do what we can to limit our baby’s tears and as your sleep consultant, I understand that. My son’s sleep struggles are still very near and dear to my heart and I pretty much relive them every day in every consultation, so I very much remember where you probably are right now.
So, how long do you cry it out if you do choose that path?
First, make sure your baby is at an appropriate age for cry it out, he is no longer swaddled, and if you are feeding baby on a schedule that you have set a realistic schedule. One thing that I can’t emphasize enough is that my philosophy is that some parents might use cry it out to fix sleep problems, but please don’t make your baby go hungry if she still needs night feedings. One thing that really does make my skin crawl is hearing about letting a two month old cry throughout the night to avoid two feedings, which is hardly a “sleep problem.”
Another reason I recommend exhausting all other methods before trying cry it out is that you must be 100% committed to cry it out for it to really work. So, typically, I recommend that you feel like you’ve “tried everything” first. If you let your baby cry for a set length of time and then you “give in”, you have basically set a precedent and he will cry that long (or longer) next time (if there is a next time). Many babies respond well to non-crying methods (highly depends on your baby’s temperament) and only a small percentage of my clients really have to go full blown cry it out, so make sure you’ve truly given it your all on the other methods.
Once you 100% commit to cry it out, there really isn’t a length of time that you really stop, when you’re working on nights (though you want to limit nap time crying). The goal is for your baby to fall asleep without said sleep association and every parent will need to decide what is “too long.” I recommend deciding that before you start, if possible. Having a plan (do you visit or not, how long between visits, do you stay in the room, etc.) is of utmost importance so everyone is on the same page and will stick to it. Once you decide to stop said crutch, it can’t really be an option to change your mind, otherwise, you go backwards and might even make things worse.
Many people against cry it out will paint a picture that cry it out is cruel because a baby can’t communicate what she needs. This is true, to an extent, in that you can’t ignore all your baby’s cries and I would never recommend that. That’s irresponsible parenting. My argument is that if you give your baby a pacifier ten times per night and that’s all she “needs” then you know why she’s crying. Does that mean you give your baby everything just because she cries? Not to me. If it had, my son would not have sat in a car seat for his first year of life. Your baby only thinks she needs a pacifier to sleep because that’s all she’s known. It doesn’t mean she can’t learn a new way to sleep. Enter…the parent.
Down the line, after initial “sleep training” is over, does this mean you never go in to your baby at night? ABSOLUTELY NOT!! We all do pretty crazy things to get our baby to sleep, but when you’re ready to make a change, it’s important to commit to your plan of action. Whether you succeed in finding a no crying sleep method or try cry-it-out, babies are destined to change. Cry it out is NOT a cure-all and it doesn’t mean your baby won’t need you during an illness, when she’s getting new teeth, growth spurt, etc., so it doesn’t mean never go to your baby or use your instincts. It also doesn’t mean that cry it out “didn’t work.” because your baby needs you at night for something.
In my opinion, there is a right and wrong way to approach “sleep training”. If you’re doing cry-it-out, it might take you a few nights or a couple of weeks, but please expect things to pop up and change on you, because they will. Just remember, that cry it out won’t change your baby’s personality, there is no proof that cry it out is harmful, not even by Harvard, it’s not always clear when you’re done sleep training, and being a mom is an every day challenge.
How many days did cry it out take for you and your family?
Tags: babies cry it out, babies sleep, babies sleeping, baby and sleep, baby cry it out, baby sleep, baby sleeping, children sleep problems, cry it out method, cry it out sleep, cry-it-out, crying it out, ferber method, ferberizing, healthy sleep habits, infant sleep, letting baby cry it out, newborn sleep, sleep ferber, sleep toddler, Sleep Training, sleeping through night, toddler sleep, weissbluth
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November 3rd, 2009
I successfully used a “cry it out” technique with three of my kids, and it worked like a charm.
Of course, it was critical to be able to distinguish crying from real need versus crying from perceived need – such as in the case of needing external soothing. A child’s real needs must be met, no question about that.
Also, it was important to let the child know that just because mommy and daddy didn’t respond immediately every time, we were still here. So for ours, we expanded the time between initial cry and response by five minutes for each episode, per night – until eventually the child went to sleep. In as few as three nights, our children had learned to sooth themselves to sleep without developing any new signs of insecurity.
November 3rd, 2009
Nicole, CIO is a very intimate and important learning lesson for me as a mom. It was what turned me to your website in the first place when I was searching for answers. One thing that I finally learned after 2 to 3 days of crying is that it gets better. The 1st time it took 4 days but now just 2.
BUT (a big one)… like you said CIO or any sleep training is a constant effort. After every sickness, flu, cold, teething, time change, travel, etc. you start all over again. My doctor said each time gets easier (I am pretty sure she meant easier for the parent). But the point is that there will always be a next time, another night when you wonder … why is he crying so much? shall I CIO?
I agree with Tom in that you have to know the needs.
There’s another factor which I really depended on too. Temperament — I agree CIO is very highly determined by temperament. I am lucky that I have a relatively easy baby so your series on temperament is inextricably linked to CIO training. I would strongly urge reading the temperament series and then talking to Nicole who knows how to customize sleep training for each child with each age group (they are all so different)!
November 14th, 2009
@Tom Thank you for sharing your story!
November 14th, 2009
@Lily Thank you for commenting. Although your doctor said it gets easier, I had a really hard time letting my younger son cry much at all, even though I went through it with my first. His sleep was just never “that bad”, I guess.
Thank you for letting people know about The Temperament series. I think it really helps to understand your child’s personality.
November 14th, 2009
I am trying the CIO method with my 7 month old who is strickly breastfed with only 3 tablespoons of rice cereal at diner. Am I in the wrong to let him cry it out to go to sleep and in the middle of the night but feed him after 4 hours of first going to bed? I am so tired during the day it is effecting my partenting skills with my 3 yr old and my 7 month old but i am a single mom so i cant nap.
November 14th, 2009
I am going to have to try to let my daughter CIO in the middle of the night. She is 9 months and for the last 4 nights, wakes at 12:00 and wants to nurse, but once on only holds it, won’t take her soother, just want to hold my nipple in her mouth till she falls asleep. Same at 4:00. I let her CIO last night for the first time. It was really hard for me, but I just couldn’t console her anymore. Finally I went in and calmed her by singing to her and she fell asleep on her own. This seems to be starting at nap time today too. I am so lost. This didn’t happen with my first child. This child is so different. Very stubborn.
I hope CIO will help, although I don’t know if I am doing it right. Wish me luck
November 22nd, 2009
I have tried the Sleep Lady Shuffle method of Sleep Training. It is supposed to be more gentle. But I have to say that it did not work for my 7 month old. After a month of being fully committed to it, bed time became much better (only 20 minutes of intense crying) but night time wakings were and remain to be horrible. The training was intense and there were two weeks of hours and hours of crying per night. Three hours of crying was standard. I tried starting the method over, wondering if I missed something or I was too distracting when I was checking in on him. BUt it never got better.
I started to pick my son up again during night wakings a week ago because he had a cold and all the crying was leaving him with snot all over himself and the sheets. I felt terrible letting him cry when he was all stuffed up. To my great relief he fell asleep within minutes of walking and singing to him. However, now that he is feeling better, I tried to go back to the sleep training and he cried for 3 HOURS last night. (I checked in with him every 15 minutes with soothing words, a bum pat and gave him his softy froggy.) I finally went in and picked him up to calm him. I can’t believe I have to go in and retrain him after the cold. I can’t believe he cried for three hours again after having “learned to put himself to sleep.” I just think with some kids sleep training does not work. I hear moms sing the praises of CIO, and I tried to be tough and consistant hoping it would be successful if I did the methods to the letter, but still my son cries for hours. I guess I have to find some middle ground. Something that helps him learn to put himself back to sleep if he wakes but that does not involve so much crying.
BTW the Sleep Lady says that the only times CIO does not work is if parents aren’t consistant or if marriages are rocky. Ha! No mention that some kids just can;t be trained.
November 27th, 2009
My husband and I thought we could co-sleep the first three months (easy breastfeeding – she is exclusively breastfed), and then happily transition our daughter into her crib and all would be well. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I followed the Eat, Activity, Sleep routine, which balanced itself out to three daytime naps, an evening nap, and then bedtime with us at about ten. For all naps, I would rock her or walk her to sleep, and then put her down in her bassinet in the livingroom (naps) or just lie her down with us (night sleep). She would feed before sleeping at night, and then by two months was waking up to feed at about 3.30am, then back to sleep until 5 or 6 to feed again, then sleep again until 8 or 9. By three months, she would wake up to feed at 3.30 and then sleep until 7.
At three months I started having her daytime naps in her crib, in her own room. Again, I would rock/walk her to sleep then put her down, and she would sleep for 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 hours. Even before making the transition to having her sleep in her crib as well, she began to take longer and longer to rock/walk down. I would end up with her going to sleep on my chest on the lounge, then waking up around 2 to take her to bed.
After reading LOTS of literature, I decided she was overtired, and that the evening nap had to go, and she needed to go down earlier for her night sleep. I had not really had a nap ‘routine’ before this, just rocking/walking her to sleep, so we instituted a short one for daytime (less than 10 mins) and I began putting her down drowsy, but awake. This seems to be working – she will cry a little, but then go off to sleep. I lay her tummy down – she can turn over, and seems to sleep longer on her tummy.
Night time is a big problem. The night routine is simple, not overly long, I feed her, then stand and rock with her until she is drowsy, but awake, and then put her down – at which point she fully wakes up, arches her back, and cries and cries and cries. I wouldn’t mind continuing to rock/walk her to sleep, but as soon as I put her down – even if she seems deeply asleep, she wakes up and we start all over again.
A couple of nights ago, we thought we would let her cry it out. I had been going through the ‘rock to sleep, lay her down, she wakes up and cries’ routine for two hours (9pm-11), and my husband finally said, “This is getting ridiculous, you’re just going to have to put her down and let her cry herself to sleep.” I agreed. I am not against ‘cry it out’ at all. I didn’t realise it would be as excruciating for me to go through as it was, but I could put up with it, because I know it is for her own good.
She cried straight for TWO hours before finally falling asleep exhausted. It was HORRIBLE. I tried ‘controlled crying’ where I would go in and pat her and shh etc etc, but that just made the crying worse!! I had to feed her at midnight, and then finally I just let her cry on her own for the last hour, until 1am, when she finally fell to sleep. She woke for her 3.30 feed, and when I put her down, she cried a couple of times, and then back to sleep until 7. Great! Naps the next day were fine.
Night two of cry it out, I knew she wouldn’t ‘magically’ have worked it all out, but I did expect the crying to be a little shorter. She again cried for two hours straight (9-11) which was again, HORRIBLE, before falling asleep exhausted. On the plus side, the crying wasn’t as extreme, even though it was for just as long. She woke for a feed at 12.30pm, went back down fairly easily (a couple of cries) and then slept through til 7. GREAT!
Both mornings she woke happy, without holding a grudge (which I was kind of afraid she WOULD do)
Night three of cry it out, we went through the bedtime routine, and then through feeding, she was feeding and feeding desperately, like she was trying to put off the inevitable laying down in the crib. She was really panicky, and crying before I put her down. The crying this time was almost worse than the first night. I started reading stuff online about ‘cry it out’ to try to block out the crying, but then I read that you shouldn’t use ‘extinction cio’ until at least 6 months! I can’t use controlled crying, because our presence only makes it worse! So my husband went in and got her and brought her back to bed with us. First night back with us was fine – took her ages to calm down, but then she slept until her 3.30 feed, and then through til 7. Day naps again were great, although I could’t keep her awake, and she again had an evening nap.
This brings us to last night, when she went to sleep in my arms around 9, I put her in the crib, and of course, she woke up, arched her back, and cried and cried. We all went to bed then to try and get her bedtime earlier, but of course she was awake and laughing, and didn’t sleep until 11. Not only she she wake for her 3.30 feed, she woke me again at 4, 5 and 6 trying to feed, and then cried because I wouldn’t let her. She and I got up at 6, I fed her at 7, and she went back down for a nap at 8, and slept til 11 (when she usually wakes up from her morning nap- usually beginning at 8.30 or 9).
She went down for her nap at 1, with a bit of a fight, but not so bad – I just rocked her until she was drowsy, put her down, a few cries, and then sleep. Which brings me to now.
Any ideas? Did I give up too soon on cry it out? I’m still not against it, it just seemed a little extreme for her to cry for 2 hours both night, and then see the panicking in her the third night before the routine began again. Is she too young for this? I’m at a total loss. Like I said, day naps are great. Generally at least 2 hours in the morning, 1 1/2 to 2 hours in the early afternoon, and 45 mins to an hour in the late afternoon. How do I get her to go to bed in her crib at night? I don’t mind getting up to feed at all – an 11/midnight feed and a 3.30/4 feed are fine with me. It’s the getting to sleep part that’s not working.
December 1st, 2009
Ally, this sounds similar to my experience, only I gave it a month. There was no end to the crying and my son started to get very anxious when the bed time routine started. Crying, clinging, whining. During the day he was smiling less, laughing less and was not playful. This was NOT ok with me. I realized it the CIO was not for him. At least at this time.
We dropped the CIO and tried to read his tired cues better. We walk him around and make sure he is totally asleep before putting him down. Two weeks later he wakes only once to nurse more times then not. I had to come to grips with the fact that at this time my son is not going to sleep for “12 hours straight” like my friend’s babies. He is not a robot, he cannot be made to go to sleep. He needs to be close to fall asleep.
December 4th, 2009
@Stephanie We all have to find the solution that works for our families. I do not know all the details of your situation, but in general, I believe it is ok to break sleep associations by allowing some protesting while still feeding at night. My philosophy has always been to break sleep associations, but not make a baby go hungry if he can’t comfortably get through the night. Many times there are steps before cry it out that you can take, but in the end if you’ve decided that’s what’s best for you and your family, have confidence in your parenting as you know your baby best. Good luck!
December 4th, 2009
@Jennifer Good luck! I hope it’s going well!